"Why didn't you write me? ... BRAAAAAAAAINS..."

God dammit. For the last time, people, zombies are not timely metaphors. They’re not symbols of consumer culture, or overpopulation, or the war on terror, and they sure as hell aren’t the perfect jumping off point for a teen romance. They’re big sacks of movie meat that you can explode without pondering motive or remorse, like Nazis. ZOMBIES ARE TO BE EXPLODED.

Anyway. Summit has released some new stills from Warm Bodies, their zombie romance adapted from Isaac Marion’s book by Jonathan Levine. Wait a second, the guy who directed 50/50? What the shit? It stars Nicholas Hoult (X-Men: First Class), Teresa Palmer (I Am Number Four), Rob Corddry (lots of stuff), Dave Franco (James’s brother), Analeigh Tipton (who?) and John Malkovich (awesome). Here’s the book description:

R is a young man with an existential crisis–he is a zombie. He shuffles through an America destroyed by war, social collapse, and the mindless hunger of his undead comrades, but he craves something more than blood and brains. He can speak just a few grunted syllables, but his inner life is deep, full of wonder and longing. He has no memories, no identity, and no pulse, but he has dreams.
After experiencing a teenage boy’s memories while consuming his brain, R makes an unexpected choice that begins a tense, awkward, and stragely sweet relationship with the victim’s human girlfriend. Julie is a blast of color in the otherwise dreary and gray landscape that surrounds R. His decision to protect her will transform not only R, but his fellow Dead, and perhaps their whole lifeless world.

Yeah, because that’s what I’ve always wanted in my zombie films, more wonder, and longing. I loved 50/50, but it doesn’t bode well that they released three pictures, and they’re all of a hot dude looking zombie-ish. Look, all I’m saying is that at this rate, it’s not going to be long before the goth dudes in high school start wearing blueish lipstick and crazy contacts to guy with the guyliner, and that’s how I’ll know it’s finally time to kill myself.

[ComingSoon]

One of the only concepts more narrow and derivative than the zombie movie is the videogame-adaptation movie, but now, thanks to the zombie videogame Dead Island, Lionsgate is combining the two into what promises to be a new low-water mark for f*cked out sh*tpiles. It may be too early to tell, but this could redefine “meh” as we know it.

Daniel Brown who produced The Mummy series, will produce with Stefan Sonnenfeld, a top post-production guy. “Like the hundreds of journalists and millions of fans who were so passionate and vocal about the Dead Island trailer, we too were awestruck,” said Lionsgate’s Joe Drake. “This is exactly the type of property we’re looking to adapt at Lionsgate: it’s sophisticated, edgy, and a true elevation of a genre that we know and love. It also has built in brand recognition around the world, and franchise potential.” [Deadline]

Other things that have built-in brand recognition around the world that could make great movies:

• Big Mac
• Dyson vacuums
• Dr. Pepper
• Crocs
• Hanes
• Nordic Track
• Swiffer
• Isotoner Gloves
• Slap Chop
• Tater tots
• Pickles
• Dead Peninsula
• Dead Archipelago
• Dead Car Port
• Zombie Tire Swing

If Lionsgate would like to purchase any of these well-known properties, I think I could set it up for a small fee. But to be fair, none of those have a zombie rap song.

“I got a zombie army, and you can’t harm me. Who do ya voodoo, bitch? Let’s go.” (But not to dead island).

Ugh. In case you missed it, a couple weeks ago, Drew from KSK wrote a great article on the state of the ultimate press tour cliché, when directors or producers say “Even though on the surface it seems like it’s a movie about [specific premise], it’s really about [meaningless abstract concept].”

This is a disease among filmmakers and studios at this point. No wonder movies this year have sucked so badly. No movie is ever about ANYTHING. “Moneyball” can’t just be a baseball movie: God forbid it alienate people who don’t like baseball. No, no. It has to be about “a man in crisis,” or “new ways of thinking,” or some other ludicrously broad phrase that isn’t a real idea. When I go to see “Real Steel” (and I won’t), I’m going because I want to see a movie about BOXING ROBOTS. I don’t want to see a movie about fathers and sons. There are fathers and sons all over the place. If the movie is all about fathers and sons, then I’m gonna feel shortchanged out of all the robot boxing I was shown in the trailer. [Yahoo/TheProjector]

This becomes relevant to the story at hand, because once again a director is making a film about zombies (in this case Marc Forster, adapting Max Brooks’ World War Z), and once again, the zombies aren’t actually zombies at all. In fact, you might be surprised to learn that they’re actually a vague metaphor for something or other.

“Zombies are a really interesting metaphor to play with. I thought they were great in the 70s, when George Romero worked with them, it’s sort of the statement of consumerism, and so on, but also in the 70s it was a time of change, when the zombies were very popular. And I think right now we are living in a time of change, and I think that’s maybe why zombies are popular again.” [video via Collider]

Did you get that? In the 70s, zombies were a statement on consumerism, but also an allegory for a time of change, which is why zombies were popular in the 70s and now, which are both times of change, as opposed to all the great periods of stasis throughout history, like, say, the 80s, or the 1360s. Hey, if zombies are such a great metaphor for so many different things, maybe they’re actually a pretty sh*tty metaphor, has anyone ever thought of that? I mean, shouldn’t a metaphor have some specific qualities? And not be some shapeless abstraction that can be applied to any hip buzzword, like “WAR,” “CHANGE,” “THE ECONOMY,” or “HAM SANDWICH?” Maybe zombies are really just unfeeling sacks of raw meat that are fun to watch explode, like the Kardashians.

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I haven’t read it yet, but everyone who has seems to be sporting major nerd wood that Max Brooks’ zombie war oral history World War Z is coming to the big screen (I just have regular wood because Brad Pitt’s in it). Directed by Marc Forster and scheduled for a 2012 release, some pictures from the set in Falmouth, Cornwall, UK (hee hee! foul mouth cornhole!) hit over the weekend, along with the news that Breaking Bad‘s Bryan Cranston would have a “small but flashy” role in the film. I hope that means his dong falls out while he runs through the background

Feeling the pinch of a cold British summer morning, Brad appeared wrapped up on board the yellow SD Salmoor where most of the filming is taking place. The admiralty salvage vessel was covered in wax and fake icicles plus a hoard of locals that were signed up as extras. The crew set sail to a nearby location and returned banging weapons and hollering for the camera. [SplashNews]

I don’t know what’s going on in these, except that they seem to be carrying weapons and wearing elbow pads. The pads are probably wise, I’ve heard it gets slippery up there on the poop deck. Oh what, now you’re going to tell me I’m immature? Just because I crammed three wiener jokes and two poop jokes into this post? Whatever, man. I don’t respond to name calling. Seems like you’ve got a lot of growing up to do.

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After languishing in development hell for more than three years now, World War Z is looking like it might not happen at all. Vulture says Paramount is ready to pull the plug on the adaptation of Max Brooks’ (director Mel Brooks’ son) zombie-war oral history, even with Brad Pitt attached to star and director Marc Forster agreeing to make it PG-13.  Meanwhile, Kate Hudson’s Something Borrowed chugs along right on schedule, because God is dead.

The film currently has a price tag of more than $125 million, and the studio is fervently searching for a partner to share the risk.
Insiders say an eleventh-hour effort is being made to court frequent Paramount co-financier David Ellison (Mission: Impossible IV, Top Gun II) as well as another, unspecified investor. Paramount Film Group president Adam Goodman insists to Vulture, “We’re really committed to making a big, kick-ass giant movie with Marc Forster and Brad Pitt.” Pressed on whether the studio would move forward without a financial partner, Goodman declined to elaborate, saying it was too early to tell. Absent such a financial partner, it’s highly unlikely that Paramount would go forward; in today’s economic climate, few studios are shouldering such budgets alone.

$125 million is certainly a huge budget, but keep in mind, Universal’s Battleship was rumored to cost $200 million, and that’s a movie about battleships fighting aliens based on a boardgame and starring Rihanna (not to mention Robert Zemeckis’ latest mo-cap abortion, Mars Needs Moms, which cost Disney $175). Now, I like zombie movies about as much as I like little kids with lisps and white guys with dreads, but I know quite a few people who’ve read this book and they all have raging dork boners for it (name of my indie band, etc.).  Moreover, it’s a book. There’s already a story.  Remember when people used to make movies based on those? Stories? The people who option movie properties like to throw around the terms “name recognition” and “built-in audience”, but usually that name recognition manifests itself in reactions like, “FAMILY F*CKING CIRCUS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

Here you have a name that’s legitimately recognized as a story (rather than, say, as a sock brand), a built-in audience that’s actually excited to see it adapted (hello, Twilight), multiple “proven” premises (zombies, post-apocalypse, explosions) — which studio execs love even though they’re meaningless, and arguably the biggest movie star in the world attached to star (Pitt’s last three movies: Inglourious Basterds: $313.6 mil worldwide; Benjamin Button: $334 mil worldwide; Burn After Reading: $164 million worldwide, for a quirky Coen Brothers movie Joe Methlab hated), and an Oscar-nominated director. If they can’t get this movie made, there’s no hope for anything that doesn’t involve Kevin James saving the rec center.