Monsters vs. Aliens earned $58.2 million for the biggest opening weekend of 2009 so far, earning $58 million to Watchmen‘s $55. It’s not surprising that it won, but it’s a little weird that it had to charge more to do so.

While the 2,080 3-D screens accounted for just 28 percent of the roughly 7,300 on which the movie played, they made up 56 percent of its total box-office haul, said Anne Globe, head of marketing for DreamWorks Animation. [AP]

And those 3-D tickets cost three or four dollars more than regular ones.  Overall, the box office was up 40% from the same weekend last year. Even Haunting in Connecticut made $23 million, even after basically taking a dump in the mouth of the English language by advertising it as”based on a true story.”  I can’t imagine getting dragged to that movie let alone actually wanting to see it.  They must’ve advertised a lot during Two and a Half Men or Dancing with the Stars or one of those other shows that 100 million people watch and somehow I’ve never met any of them.  And let’s keep it that way.

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_{Is Forest Whitaker in this?}

Opening this weekend:

• Monsters vs. Aliens: Features Steven Colbert playing the president and a solid cast of voices so I’m sure it won’t be too hard to sit through if the droolshitters need up shutting, but it’s still not Pixar.  And the quicker this 3-D revival trend dies the better.  Why?  I dunno, I’m just a hater, y’all.
• A Haunting in Connecticut: “Based on a true story.”  Yeah?  F yourself.  Also, why Connecticut?  Nothing interesting happens in Connecticut.  Though if I lived there, and I was trying to get a woman to shut up, I think a really good line would be, “Hey, we’re in Connecticut now: the C is silent.”
• 12 Rounds: Renny Harlin directs John Cena in a cross between Taken and Saw.  I suspect I’d need to wear some control-top underwear to keep from prolapsing.  I picture Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham headbutting in the front row.

(Limited Release)

• The Education of Charlie Banks: Hey, isn’t this the movie that guy from Limp Bizkit directed?  *fart noise*
• Mysteries of Pittsburgh: Based on the Michael Chabon book.  Serious question now: has anyone ever actually seen a Sienna Miller movie?

Bottom line: Wait for Adventureland next week.

_{Is that Forrest Whitaker?}

Because Jeffrey Katzenberg is Bank of America’s former Vice Chairman and CFO, somehow the bailout money is going towards paying people to see Monsters vs. Aliens.

It took respected media analyst Rich Greenfield of Pali Research to uncover this staggering scheme (registration required). He found out that Bank of America [who received $45 billion in bailout money] was helping families to see Monsters vs Aliens in 3-D rather than 2-D at no additional cost when it starts playing in theaters on Friday, March 27th. (The promotion is here.)

Greenfield found a .pdf for next weekend’s Bank of America offer which says it is limited to its customers (credit card, banking, etc). But he also discovered that the online system allows anybody to participate as long as they have an e-mail address. Consumers can receive up to 4 certificates per e-mail address to upgrade from 2-D to 3-D via the online registration form. However, Imax and AMC theaters are excluded from the promo. [NikkiFinke]

I’m not going to pretend I’m an economist or understand any of this.  I don’t understand why we give the banks money to cover all their defaulted mortgages and then still make people keeping paying off those mortgages.  The money ends up in the same place anyway.  Sure, people probably don’t deserve it, but at this point, deserve’s got nothing to do with it. The short version of this story is, Bank of America got bailout money.  Now Bank of America is doing a lame, wasteful promotion for a 3-D movie, when 3-D movies are a lame waste of money in the first place.  We’re basically giving big, failing business a bunch of money and then getting mad when they throw their money away in stupid ways like they’ve always done.  GRR, LET’S ALL TAKE TO THE STREETS IN AN ANGRY MOB!  You know, either that or keep sitting here on the floor eating Handi-Snaks.

A 3-D ad for Monsters vs. Aliens (latest trailer here) will air during the Super Bowl February 1st and again later in the month during a special 3-D broadcast of Chuck. In other news, recording commercials and Chuck is a great way to confuse the f-ck out of your Tivo.

The glasses [which you'll need to fully experience the commercial, of course], which use the new Intel InTru 3D [the newfangled type of 3-D] and ColorCode 3-D, will be distributed free at Pepsi/ SoBe Life Water displays at 28,000 locations including grocery, drug and electronics stores and big-box retailers [like your mom].

It seems like Pepsi completely fell off the pop culture map for a while there, but now they’re back with a new logo, which just so happens to look a lot like the Barack Obama logo.  Check out our new flavor, Yes We Cran! A little game I like to play is to go to restaurants that only serve Pepsi and order a Diet Coke, and then when they say “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” I just shriek at the top of my lungs and sprint out the door.

[Source]

The new Monsters vs. Aliens (Dreamworks, first animated movie shot entirely in 3-D, etc.) trailer opens on “Ginormica”, played by Reese Witherspoon, who seems to spontaneously quadruple in size on her wedding day. So wait, this makes her abnormal how? HEYO!

Also: anyone else chub a little when she burst the seams on her dress and her garter shot off? …Just me then?