That may seem like a cute headline, but the lede in a mainstream news article is, in fact, "Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest movie."
The actress, who already is intimidated by the animal, revealed Chim Chim grabbed her left breast while she was filming ‘Penelope’. [A movie about a girl with a pig nose that looks as stupid as it sounds. Trailer here.]
"I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is," Ricci said. "I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool.’
"It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong."
"Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never what they’ll grab onto - I don’t like unpredictable animals."
Unpredictable? Hardly. That’s just what you’d expect from a monkey who got within three feet of Christina Ricci’s tits. Let’s face it, monkeys are smarter than humans and they’ve got us wrapped around the thumbs on their feet. They get to walk around naked, pee wherever they want (even in their own mouths), grab chicks’ boobs, whack off in front of kids, and no one says a thing about it. They do pretty much everything you’ve ever wanted to do without getting arrested for it. People just laugh. "Look at them, they’re just like us!" Yeah, except they get to swing from the trees eating boogers and molesting each other all day, and you’re probably stuck plugging numbers into an excel sheet. Who’s the crazy one again?
[Thanks to the deliciously ape-like Timothy for the tip]
