[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Truth, Justice, Beards: Man of Steel has a new trailer |Film Drunk|

Come see Vince, Matt Louv and others riff on horror films this Friday |Fresh Like Cadaver|

This needs to happen. [via RoboShark]

Each Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ Opening Credits Redone In The Style Of ‘The Wire’ |UPROXX|

Watch Bill Hader And Fred Armisen Lose Their Sh*t In Hilarious Unaired ‘SNL’ Sketch |Warming Glow|

Marisa Miller Wants To Remind Us That She’s Still Pregnant And Naked |With Leather|

Nic Cage Is Every Hobbit Character, And We Couldn’t Be Happier About It |Gamma Squad|

10 DMX Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

Gruden Talk: Jon Discusses the Israel-Palestine Conflict with Salman Rushdie |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

This is Zoe’s story |theChive|

45 Most Important Lessons We Learned In 2012 |Buzzfeed|

Anne Hathaway Will Premiere A Movie Until Someone Sees Her Vagina |The Superficial|

12 Horrible Gobbledygook Words We Reluctantly Accepted |Mental Floss|

Ass on the Internet |Holy Taco|

Will Ferrell: Cover Model |HuffPost|

Hayden Panettiere Is Single |IDLYITW|

Seven planets humans might move to once we’ve finished wrecking this one |Fark|

Probably Not The Worst Thing “Burrito Surprise” Could Mean, Honestly |Videogum|

8 Positions for Sex at Your Parents’ Place |College Humor|

The 2012 “As Seen on TV” Gift Guide |Clip Nation|

Island in the Sun: 11 Movies About Islands|Pajiba|

5 Less Obvious Christmas Movies |Unreality|

The 10 Rising Stars and Breakout Pop Culture Bros of 2012 |Brobible|

Burrito Bomber: Drone-Delivered Burritos |High Definite|

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A lot of people took issue with The Hangover II’s portrayal of Thailand, saying it was racist and xenophobic and blah blah blah (is anything ever NOT racist, according to the internet?). Personally, I liked it better than the first, which glorified Vegas even though it’s just a seedier Scottsdale in an Ed Hardy shirt. I feel like you’re supposed to feel fear and loathing towards a place you wake up hungover. Anyway, the Wall Street Journal finally decided to ask Thailand about it (“EXCUSE ME, MAY I SPEAK TO BOB THAILAND?”). Hilarity and tranny sex ensued.

BANGKOK—Thailand’s tourism chief hasn’t seen the Warner Bros. box-office smash “The Hangover: Part II,” which is based in Bangkok. Maybe that’s just as well.
“What’s it like?” asked Supol Sripan, general-director of the country’s tourism department, on a recent Thursday afternoon.
Well, it shows his nation’s capital as chock-full of drug-dealing mobsters, drunken bar fights and hazily remembered sex in the back rooms of brothels. In the movie there are also car chases through teeming streets, and a chain-smoking monkey.
“Hmm,” Mr. Supol sighed. “Well, I suppose it’s true. We have all those things.” [WallStreetJournal]

Aw, I think I love you, glib thoughtful tourism chief.  I suppose it makes sense that a country that tolerates women who shoot blowguns with their vaginas would have a sense of humor about themselves.

MONKEY IN A DRESS! MONKEY IN A DRESS!

A monkey in a dress stole the show at last night’s Hangover 2 premiere in Hollywood, which is a fine metaphor for all movie premieres.  If the world does end tomorrow, this is probably how I deserve to be remembered: giggling at a monkey wearing a dress, trying to think of a pearl-necklace joke.  Pictures come courtesy of the Daily Mail, where I found this, perhaps the finest line in the history of journalism:

“But it wasn’t Crystal’s outfit that stole the show at the premiere of the Hangover 2 last night, but the fact she’s a monkey.”

Game over, man, game over.

Holy. Sh*t. Quick, someone put that monkey over a vent that blows her skirt up.

This is the essence of every Hollywood movie premiere.  “DANCE MONKEY! SHOW US YOUR DRESS!”

If they started doing inter-species versions of “Who wore it best” I would read the sh*t out of US Weekly.

“Oh hey, girl.  Yeah, it’s Dolce & Banana.”

[thanks, Chino]

“Try to snap one her getting out of cab!  See if you can get a shot of her monkey fufu!”

"Uh, I'm here for the gangbang?"

Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. was there.  I think he stole Mickey Rourke’s outfit.  Nice boots, brah.  He must’ve tucked the pants into them to keep out the monkeys.  (*taps temple with index finger*)  Smart.

[DailyMail]

Yesterday, SlashFilm broke news of a request WB had sent to theaters asking them to pull the Hangover 2 trailer that had been playing before Source Code.  Many speculated as to why, but as with many things, it all seems to go back to monkey BJs.

The MPAA approves trailers before they are placed in front of particular movies. In this case, the trailer for the “Hangover” follow-up — which, among other scenes, includes a visual gag involving a water bottle and a monkey performing a simulated sex act — was approved to run only ahead of R-rated movies. It shouldn’t have run before “Source Code,” which is rated PG-13, according to a person familiar with the situation who was not authorized to speak about it publicly.

Update, 12:37 p.m.: Warner Bros. has issued a statement, saying, “In our haste to meet the placement schedule for this trailer, we failed to properly vet the final version with the MPAA. We acted immediately to correct the mistake and removed the trailer from screens.” The trailer preceding [the R-rated]  “Scream,” meanwhile, will be a version of the original trailer instead of a new piece of material. [LATimes]

It’s always funny to me trying to predict what the MPAA will say is or isn’t over the line.  Zach Galifianakis can get blown by an old lady, but only if you use a fake penis.  Your Highness can have minotaur rape, but only if you tell them it has a cow wang (because getting raped with a cow penis is apparently more acceptable than getting raped with a man penis).  Meanwhile, how is having a monkey suck on a water-bottle penis offensive? As males, how old are we when we first decide that anything vaguely cylindrical is our wiener?  Three?  Four?  I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be 17 to understand the look-it’s-my-wiener game.  It’s one of the earliest-expressed sections of the Y chromosome, along with fart sounds and sword play*.  (*Also the title of my memoir).

The Hangover 2 has a poster (full version below). Now, I don’t know if you guys were aware of this after seeing the teaser, but this film has a monkey in it.  Have you seen this?  Have you heard about this?  A monkey.  It’s true. Wild, wild stuff.  The monkey appears to be covering himself with something.  Is he pooping on Brad Cooper’s back?  That’s what this poster implies.  Frankly, it makes them seem that much more hypocritical for refusing to work with Mel Gibson.

“Bangkok has them now.”  And Bangkok, as every guy who’s ever been sack-tapped knows, is the capital of Thailand.  Where strippers shoot blow darts out of their cooters and David Carradine gets murdered by Autoerotic Asphyxiation Ninjas.  ‘Tis truly a dark land of intrigue and mystery. Movie opens Memorial Day.  [via Examiner]