ACTUAL PLOT: Danny Glover plays Captain Ahab opposite Vinnie Jones in a retelling of Moby Dick in which the white whale is a dragon. (*Air guitar*)  Seriously though, that’s the plot of the $5 million-budgeted Dragon Fire, and the best part is, we learn all of this through a local TV news report from adorable Utah.  I’ve prepared a rough transcript:

VOICE OVER: “The lights and cameras are shining in Provo this week as cast and crew work on what they hope will be the next box office-smash.  Writers and producers are taking the American classic Moby Dick and putting a fantasy twist to it.”

FRENCH PRODUCER IN A HAMMOCK: “Well, eet’s Moby Dick… weess dragons.”

DANNY GLOVER: “We all know a moral dilemma Moby Dick mumble mumble I seem drunk.”

VOICE OVER: Blah blah blah, Danny Glover’s been to Utah before, “But most remember him from the Lethal Weapon movies.”

DANNY GLOVER: Mumble mumble *hiccup* mumble mumble

VOICE OVER:  “But it’s ultimately moviegoers who will decide if dragons does indeed make this timeless classic  more exciting.”

Interesting stuff, John.  Coming up at the top of the hour, the US death toll in Afghanistan passes 1,000 and Sally Roberson of Lehi teaches us how to make lawn sculptures out of old kitty litter scoopings.  Stay tuned.

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(“Commandment 1: There is one true energy drink, and it’s name is ‘Xyience.’  Commandment 2: No fat chicks.  Commandment 3…”_)

My favorite studio 20th Century Fox has announced plans to do a film about the life of Moses, in the style of 300.  Because, as it says in Leviticus 2012, “Man shalt not lie with another man; it is abomination.  Man shalt swordfight in underwear with other sweaty, shirtless man; lo, for it is awesome.  Spake the lord: OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!”

20th Century Fox has made a preemptive acquisition of a pitch to tell the story of Moses in “300″ style. The tale will start with his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharoah and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement. The Moses story will be told using the same green screen strategy as “300,” so it will feel more like that pic or “Braveheart” than “The Ten Commandments,” the 1956 Cecil B. DeMille film.

The script will be written by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, who make this their followup to a high-level deal they made to reinvent Herman Melville”s “Moby Dick,” with a graphic novel feel, for Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov.  [Variety]

Now, if you had any doubt about Hollywood’s descent into unintentional self-parody, keep in mind that when I first reported their graphic-novelized version of Moby Dick back in September 2008, I wrote:

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^{Curve the harpoon!}

According to Variety, Universal has made a “splashy buy” of classic Melville novel Moby Dick (get it, splashy?  Because it’s a whale?).  And they’ve tapped the dickhead behind Wanted to direct.  The rest of the article basically confirms all of your worst fears about people in Hollywood.

Studio paid high six figures to Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to pen the screenplay.
The writers revere Melville’s original text, but their graphic novel-style version will change the structure.

Please, go on.  This doesn’t sound enough like unintentional self-parody yet.

“Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ ” Cooper said. [ahh, much better -Ed.] “This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.”
Scott Stuber is producing with Jim Lemley and Cormac and Marianne Wibberley.
“We wanted to take a graphic novel sensibility to a classic narrative,” said Collage. They brought it to the Wibberlys, the “National Treasure” scribes who are branching into producing and will team with Stuber. The project then caught the fancy of [Timur] Bekmambetov and Lemley, who teamed with the helmer on “Wanted.”

A graphic novel is a novel that has pictures, right?  So when they say they’re adding a “graphic novel sensibility” to a novel, they’re basically saying they’re gonna add pictures, right?  Or does it mean they’re shifting the target audience to people too dumb to read books?  Either way, I can’t wait to see their update of the bible, Jesus: F-ck Yeah.  It’s not your grandpa’s bible, you faggot.