The trailer for Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (one colon, one dash, no number) just hit the web, and it has all the thrills, chills, and Eminem rapping about Tom Cruise one could possibly hope for. Directed by Brad Bird of the awesome The Incredibles and Ratatouille, this one stars Cruise (you may remember him doing his own stunts on the Burj Khalifa in Dubai) alongside Jeremy Renner, with Josh Holloway, Tom Wilkinson, and Simon Pegg in supporting roles. The actress attached to the boobs below is Paula Patton.  She looks nice, but frankly I think this could’ve used a spicy Latina or two.  I bet when Michael Bay saw Tom Cruise rappelling down the tallest building in the world on the same day his movie about Josh Duhamel wingsuiting off the Sears Tower hits theaters, he crushed the Monster Energy Drink he’d been sipping, stroked the purring snow leopard in his lap, and silently swore revenge.

(Tom Cruise 124 floors up on the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, filming stunts for Mission Impossible IV. More pics at WWTDD)

The biggest projects in Hollywood are invariably sequels, usually sequels to movies that are themselves remakes of TV shows (see: Transformers 3, Mission Impossible 4…).  Hell, they’re so desperate for anything someone’s heard of that they optioned f*cking Family Circus, which is literally a joke I made two years ago as an example of the dumbest thing I could think of.  The funny part is how steadfastly they refuse to admit it, as if calling something “Money Never Sleeps” instead of “2″ does anything but take up more space on the marquee.  Here’s Tony Scott on his plans for Top Gun 2:

“It’s not even a reinvention, it’s not even a sequel. It’s a re-thinking. What inspired me is that the world today is great, it’s so different from the world we touched originally. It’s really run by guys sitting in Nevada on computers playing war games.” [MTVMoviesBlog]

Oh yes, I remember when you touched the world.  The world was just chilling in the locker room in a towel, and Tom Cruise came up and he was all, “Hey, wanna play some beach volleyball?  I promise there won’t be any gays there.”

Speaking of Tom Cruise, (smooth as a baby’s ass, that transition) recent reports name him as the reason Mission Impossible IV is now called “Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol.”  Jeez, get that title a colostomy bag, I think the colon’s in the wrong place:

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In a desperate hope that people might starting giving a sh*t about the franchise, Paramount has cast The Hurt Locker‘s Jeremy Renner in Mission Impossible IV.  It shoots in the fall with Brad Bird (Ratatouille, The Incredibles) directing and JJ Abrams producing.  Jeez, imagine if we could get this level of talent working on something that wasn’t a fourth sequel to an adaptation of a 60s TV show, huh?

Renner will star alongside Tom Cruise in the fourth installment of a franchise that will begin production in the fall. It is the second major role for Renner coming out of his  turn as the reckless explosives specialist in the Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker. Renner also will star in Marvel Studios’ The Avengers, playing the role of Hawkeye. Renner will next be seen in the Ben Affleck-directed The Town, the GK Films-produced drama that Warner Bros opens September 17.

Paramount has struggled to find the right co-star to play an operative opposite Cruise, and one factor was to selecting an actor who could potentially carry the series down the line, should Cruise’s Ethan Hunt character not continue to be the emphasis. [Deadline]

“Down the line”?  Jesus christ, you’ve already got four of them.  How many franchises produced good movies after the fourth?  The only one I can think of is Phattys Rhymes and Dimes, and as good as Jeremy Renner is, he’s no Brian Pumper.  For his part, Cruise is said to be delighted by the casting of Renner (who was “outed” by the National Enquirer earlier this year), inviting his new co-star out to watch the latest matches of American football at the local tavern, as long as there aren’t any gays in there.

"Check your perimeter. Are there any gays in there?"

The Hollywood Reporter reports that Incredibles/Ratatouille director Brad Bird is at the top of the list of directors Paramount wants for the JJ Abrams-produced Mission Impossible IV, which is set for release in 2011, just like my balls.

Tom Cruise and Abrams have been meeting with filmmakers new and old, including “Zombieland” director Ruben Fleischer and “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright, whose adventure-comedy “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” is coming out this summer.
Bird has been itching to make his live-action debut for a while and has long been developing “1906,” which takes place around the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. That project is set up at Warner Bros. and is rumored to be stalled because of budgetary reasons.
Bird would not be the first Pixar-ite to jump into live action. Andrew Stanton, who directed “Finding Nemo” and “WALL-E,” is in London shooting “John Carter of Mars,” a feature based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs hero.

Hell yes the Pixar guys should do live action.  Storytelling is storytelling.  Though if I was Brad Bird, I don’t think I’d want my first shot at it to be with a dead franchise starring Tom Cruise.  Come to think of it, is it really fair to call working with Tom Cruise “live action”?  They should just get him one of those talking collars that the dogs wore in Up.

(Tentpoles, franchise, synergy, hedge funds: Paramount’s bold new plan for the fiscal year)

In the age of the franchise picture, many of us have forgot about Mission Impossible, the boring franchise starring boring Tom Cruise that was boring audiences back when The Bored Identity was still a boring sperm in his daddy’s boring nutsack.  Which is why it thrills me to report that JJ Abrams and Cruise will team up to produce MI IV, with the director still to be announced.  Attached to write the script are André Nemec and Josh Applebaum, the brains behind such shows as Happy Town, Life on Mars, October Road, Alias, Fastlane, and She Spies.  I’ve never seen any of those, but I’m sure they weren’t boring.  In honor of the occasion, Paramount CEO Brad Grey had this totally not-boring thing to say:

“Tom and J.J. are great talents and we are excited to be working with them to re-launch this legendary franchise.”

A fourth sequel.  Can you imagine anything more exciting?  I’m sure I’ll be there on opening day.

(As long as there aren’t any gays in there.)