After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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If you look closely, he's actually pinching Jonah Hill's thumb. Movie magic!

With choices ranging from The Artist to Bikini Spring Break, there’s plenty to discuss about this week’s new DVDs.  Besides this year’s Oscar winner for Best Picture, there’s Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street, some mythological gods, Julia Roberts, and Eddie Murphy. There’s Catholics and Sikhs and WWE wrestlers trying to act. There’s even a movie about -get this- zombies! What’ll they think of next? All that and the most befuddling box art I have ever seen.

The DVDs:
21 Jump Street
The Artist
Wrath Of The Titans
Mirror Mirror
A Thousand Words
Bullhead
Breakaway
The Perfect Family
Oranges And Sunshine
Best Laid Plans
Bending The Rules
Bikini Spring Break
Second-Story Man
C’mon Man
Father’s Day
Zombiefied

You want to find out which one has that brain-breaking box art?  For that, my friends, you’ll have to keep reading on the next page. (Hint: it’s not Bikini Spring Break -that one’s pretty much what you’d expect.)  If you couldn’t care less about such outdated trappings of physical media, click here for the Netflix instant streaming round-up. Read the rest of this entry »

Mirror, mirror on the tits... I mean, wall. WALL!

Relativity’s Mirror Mirror, directed by Tarsem and starring Julia Roberts, cost approximately $85 million to make and has grossed nearly twice that thanks to a strong international showing. But here in the States, where Mirror Mirror only made $61 million, it’s considered a dud. So the pressure of this classic tale’s success now rests on the shoulders of Snow White and The Huntsman, which hits theaters on June 1.

However, Disney doesn’t really seem to care about Universal’s pending success or demise, because the House of Mouse is calling it quits on its own Snow White update, The Order of the Seven, which re-imagines Snow and the dwarves as samurais. Damn, I was hoping for unicorn cyborgs.

This film had Soairse Ronan aboard to play the lead female in a film that took place in Asia, with a samurai theme and an international cast. The project has been gestating at the studio for a decade… the picture imploded over a budget in the $150 million range or higher… (Via Deadline)

I don’t understand why this had to be a Snow White film. Why couldn’t it just be a story about a Japanese girl who is cast from her kingdom by an evil emperor, only to join up with a band of shamed or ronin samurai who train her to fight and arm her as they impossibly take on a massive army to overcome and save the kingdom and free the enslaved people?

Hold on, someone in a limousine just threw a brick with a note tied to it through my window.

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Why couldn't this be Wicker Man?

Opening Everywhere: Mirror Mirror, Wrath of the Titans, Goon

Opening Somewhere: Bully

FilmDrunk Suggests: You’re probably going to see The Hunger Games for the first time or again, but people are going crazy over Bully if you want to go watch a documentary and feel like a dick for always picking on the fat quiet kid in your math class. What’s he doing now? Probably blogging.

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS AND PROMO STILLS: Before we start this week, a little housekeeping. Not to get too inside baseball, but I’m moving this feature to Wednesdays, since we already have Morton’s awesome feature on the latest in DVD and Streaming running Tuesdays. Last week I expanded it from just posters to include the latest in promo stills, publicity shots, set photos, concept art, etc. Mainly, I just want it to be a place for you to get a nice little overview on the latest in movie happenings through pretty pictures, silly captions, and the occasional Photoshop. As is our way. We still cool? Cool. Stay golden, pony boy.

HAPPYTIME MURDERS, EEEEE! Above we see some concept art from The Happytime Murders, a sort of dark, Roger Rabbit-type movie directed by Jim Henson’s son Brian that apparently takes place at some kind of Muppet sex shop, and was previously described as “Avenue Q meets LA Confidential.” Holy shit this sounds awesome.

In a world where puppets co-exist with humans as second class citizens, puppet private eye and disgraced ex-cop, Phil Phillips [right], is hot on the trail of the serial killer who murdered his brother and is now targeting the cast members of the famous 80s television show, The Happytime Gang.
As the killings continue, Phil’s former flame, Jenny, is next on the list. It’s up to Phil and his ex-partner, Detective Edwards, to find the culprit, but as bad blood and old resentments resurface the clues start pointing to the only viable suspect, Phil himself. Now he’s on the run with only his wits and hard headed determination, as he tries to solve, The Happytime Murders.

Considering walking around all day with some art-school brat’s hand up your ass all day is considered normal, you can bet those muppets are into some real deviance. The only thing keeping this from being the best movie ever? Katherine Heigl may play the lead. Puke.

[IM Global via BleedingCool]

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