The studio has released the first trailer for Resident Evil director Paul WS Anderson’s 3D take on The Three Musketeers, starring Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson, Matthew McFayden, Christoph Waltz, and… uh… Orlando Bloom.  It opens with the semi-period appropriate steampunk gimp dude you see above and progresses from there.  I think this was my favorite shot:

The Matrix just got rapier!  Some other things to watch for:

• SPARKS, MOTHERF*CKER!

• Orlando Bloom twirling what appears to be a butterfly knife at the 55-second mark. Which makes whooshy sword sounds
• A hand-cranked flamethrower
• Flying pirate ship
• And of course, EXPLOSIONS AND FRENCH SLUTS, OOOOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!

This summer… from the director of Death Race… YOUR MUSKET BALLS ARE GONNA DROP! HOOGH!

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AT YOUR FACE!

The latest, most 3D-est installment of the Resident Evil franchise (having seen the trailer five or six times now, I believe it’s called “Resident Evil: Throwing Stuff At Your Face!”) was the only major release of the weekend, and it topped the box office with $27.7 million, according to early estimates.  That was enough reason to spawn a fifth sequel, according to star and wife of the director Milla Jovovich.  Oh joy, I can’t wait. However, considering the latest installment was actually the worst of the franchise in terms of attendance, they may need a new gimmick.

In terms of estimated attendance, Afterlife likely ranked last and slightly behind the first movie: Afterlife only seemed more popular due to general ticket price inflation and the movie’s premium for the 3D illusion. 2,062 venues showed the picture in regular 3D, while it ran in IMAX 3D at another 141 venues (Distributor Sony Pictures claims that an accurate 3D breakdown won’t be available until Monday). [BoxofficeMojo]

Maybe make the next one in Smell-o-vision?  Just throwing out ideas here.  Anyway, I didn’t see the flick, which looked like it might be fun in a really dumb way and didn’t screen for press, but the New York Times did, writing:

“When I first got the script, I thought it was a practical joke,” star Wentworth Miller says in the film’s press notes. He’s probably not the only one.

Heyo! That sounds like a zomBURN to me! (*toilet flush sound effect, fog horn*) Slow and go out there this morning, people, look out for brake lights.  Of course, this being the New York Times, they also wrote:

Cannibalizing John Carpenter’s “Thing” and much of the sci-fi-horror canon, “Afterlife” is more moribund than its thronging undead.

DOUBLE ZOMBURN!  Aw, sheeit, moribund undead be throngin’, y’all.

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JoBlo today revealed the first new poster for Stone.  It opens October 8th. I don’t really know what it’s about, but I know I’ll be seeing it.  After all, who wouldn’t want to see anything starring ROBERT DE NIRO and EDWARD NORTON

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…and Milla Jovovich.

High-res poster here, trailer below. Read the rest of this entry »

InGameNow has an interesting article up in which they point out that Milla Jovovich (whom you may remember as Leilu Multi-Pass from 5th Element), who stars in Perfect Getaway opening tomorrow, claims to have been born in 1975.  Which would’ve made her 13 at the time of this guest spot on Married With Children.  Which doesn’t seem likely.  Or maybe this boner is just a dangerous outlaw.  (*two gun fingers pointed at crotch*)

They’ve got a couple other pieces of evidence over there, which mostly consist of pointing out old hot pictures of Milla Jovovich and then speculating whether or not she was underage when she took them.  Rawr, sounds like my kind of party.  I do my speculating with a speculum.

Resident Evil: Extinction is banning media from its nationwide screening this Thursday, according to Screen Gems (whose involvement is the kiss of death anyway).  

I for one think it's because they, like, want the movie to be seen by the fans first, man!  No one ever, like, erected a statue to a critic, man. It's all about the fans! 'Cause fans are the reason people make movies!  We fuckin' love you, Modesto!

Just kidding.  Never in the history of movies has a studio refused to pre-screen a movie because it was really good.  And studios pre-screen shit like Daddy Day Camp and Lady in the Water.  Bottom line, it's going to suck, zombies movies have Fred Dursted, Santa Claus isn't real, and if there is a God, he probably hates you.  Also, Milla Jovovich has a hairy beav (NWS).  But cheer up, there's always suicide.