Welcome To ‘Fat Hollywood’, Deviant ART’s Huge Obsession With Obese Actresses

Written by Ashley Burns / 02.15.13

If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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‘Resident Evil: Retribution’ Has New Images, Same Sexy Costumes

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.06.12

What's up, zombie killer babes?

Despite my affinity for zombie films – that Vince famously does not share – I do not really understand why we’re standing on the horizon of a fifth Resident Evil film. I’ve seen each of them, and while I love sci-fi adventures starring women in inexplicably tight, revealing outfits and I certainly don’t hate these films, I just don’t see how Sony and Screen Gems can keep milking this…

Hold on a second, the corpse of my great-great-great grandfather’s Civil War carrier pigeon, Gideon, has been reanimated and just delivered me a note:

“Dearest Dipsh*t,

Resident Evil – $102 million
Resident Evil: Apocalypse – $129 million
Resident Evil: Extinction – $147 million
Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D – $296 million

Sincerely,

Sony and Screen Gems”

The moral of the story is that these movies absolutely kill overseas, so as long as Milla Jovovich stays married to the current director giving her work – in this case, Paul W.S. Anderson – we can expect to keep asking, “Another Resident Evil movie?”

The trailer for Retribution has been out for a few weeks, but after the jump I’ve included some new Resident Evil 5 stills, which show us that all the people who died in the previous films are somehow alive again. So good for them.

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The Enlightenment just pissed her pantsuit

Written by Vince Mancini / 03.25.11

Three-Musketteers-Steampunk

The studio has released the first trailer for Resident Evil director Paul WS Anderson’s 3D take on The Three Musketeers, starring Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson, Matthew McFayden, Christoph Waltz, and… uh… Orlando Bloom.  It opens with the semi-period appropriate steampunk gimp dude you see above and progresses from there.  I think this was my favorite shot:

Milla-Jovovich-Three-Musketeers

The Matrix just got rapier!  Some other things to watch for:

  • SPARKS, MOTHERF*CKER!

Three-Musketeers-Sparks

  • Orlando Bloom twirling what appears to be a butterfly knife at the 55-second mark. Which makes whooshy sword sounds
  • A hand-cranked flamethrower
  • Flying pirate ship
  • And of course, EXPLOSIONS AND FRENCH SLUTS, OOOOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!

This summer… from the director of Death Race… YOUR MUSKET BALLS ARE GONNA DROP! HOOGH!

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Resident Evil wins box office by cheating, spawns sequel

Written by Vince Mancini / 09.13.10
AT YOUR FACE!

AT YOUR FACE!

The latest, most 3D-est installment of the Resident Evil franchise (having seen the trailer five or six times now, I believe it’s called “Resident Evil: Throwing Stuff At Your Face!”) was the only major release of the weekend, and it topped the box office with $27.7 million, according to early estimates.  That was enough reason to spawn a fifth sequel, according to star and wife of the director Milla Jovovich.  Oh joy, I can’t wait. However, considering the latest installment was actually the worst of the franchise in terms of attendance, they may need a new gimmick.

In terms of estimated attendance, Afterlife likely ranked last and slightly behind the first movie: Afterlife only seemed more popular due to general ticket price inflation and the movie’s premium for the 3D illusion. 2,062 venues showed the picture in regular 3D, while it ran in IMAX 3D at another 141 venues (Distributor Sony Pictures claims that an accurate 3D breakdown won’t be available until Monday). [BoxofficeMojo]

Maybe make the next one in Smell-o-vision?  Just throwing out ideas here.  Anyway, I didn’t see the flick, which looked like it might be fun in a really dumb way and didn’t screen for press, but the New York Times did, writing:

“When I first got the script, I thought it was a practical joke,” star Wentworth Miller says in the film’s press notes. He’s probably not the only one.

Heyo! That sounds like a zomBURN to me! (*toilet flush sound effect, fog horn*) Slow and go out there this morning, people, look out for brake lights.  Of course, this being the New York Times, they also wrote:

Cannibalizing John Carpenter’s “Thing” and much of the sci-fi-horror canon, “Afterlife” is more moribund than its thronging undead.

DOUBLE ZOMBURN!  Aw, sheeit, moribund undead be throngin’, y’all.

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Robert Deniro stars in Edward Norton Has Cornrows: The Movie

Written by Vince Mancini / 08.23.10

stone-poster-Crop-deniro-edward-norton

JoBlo today revealed the first new poster for Stone.  It opens October 8th. I don’t really know what it’s about, but I know I’ll be seeing it.  After all, who wouldn’t want to see anything starring ROBERT DE NIRO and EDWARD NORTON


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…and Milla Jovovich.

stone-poster-detail

High-res poster here, trailer below. Read the rest of this entry »

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