1. Miley Cyrus is in a movie called LOL.  2.  Her mother is played by Demi Moore.  3.  I hope it’s at least as good as that one where she saves the sea turtle eggs from the raccoon.

Miley Cyrus can’t be tamed and is ditching her Hannah Montana-persona for an edgy new role in the upcoming film, ‘LOL: Laughing Out Loud.’ Hollywood Life has seen the script and reports that Cyrus’ character loses her virginity, smokes pot, gets wasted and kisses two girlfriends on the lips. Her character even accidentally shows her mom Ana, played by actress Demi Moore, her Brazilian wax. “You’re my daughter, and I won’t let you turn into a porn star!” Ana tells Lola. [PopEater]

A Brazilian wax joke? Oh no you di’in’t!  Steve Carell shouted “KELLY CLARKSON!” when he got his chest waxed in 40-Year-Old Virgin.  Then Furry Vengeance ripped off that scene withBrendan Fraser shout “MILEY CYRUS!” Maybe now Miley Cyrus can shout STEVE CARELL! in this one, just to bring it full circle.  Oh hey look, Miley just posted a video blog from the set!

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She evolved them teeth for shotgunnin' Coors cans when you can't find a pocket knife

UPDATE: Now with video, after the jump.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to cover Miley Cyrus’ “lurid” lap dance after all the gossip sites beat me to it, but I think the scene of the crime and the people involved deserve some attention.  First, the story.

From Radar via WWTDD:
The video shows Adam Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.  In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party.

Okay, so the Disney Channel trained one of their faux-wholesome stars to act like an underage prostitute and some kids saw a lap dance.  I give that a “what’s new” and a “who cares”, respectively.  But I need to give you an idea of the kind of cretinous dildos who were present at this part.

First off, this was at a wrap party for The Last Song, the movie Miley Cyrus starred in based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the male Stephenie Meyers who compares himself to Hemingway and Sophocles and thinks Cormac McCarthy sucks.  The movie was about a girl who rescues a nest of sea turtle eggs from raccoons, and in the process, learns to love the piano again, by the way.  And that guy she was giving a lap dance to? Adam Shankman, the guy who was once moved to tears by a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance and directed the following movies:
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I just invented a new game, you guys.  Here’s how you play: Take a movie none of us are going to see (The Last Song, adapted from the Nicholas Sparks novel, starring Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, and Greg Kinnear), then, try to recreate the plot using only exposition from the horrible reviews it’s getting.  Ready?  Let’s go!

Kinnear’s character, we’re told, fell asleep at the chapel piano one night and may have caused a painful fire, so he’s living with guilt and secrets and struggling to re-engage with Ronnie. -Chicago Tribune

Ronnie never misses an opportunity to make dad feel bad for splitting up with her mom (Kelly Preston). She’s so spiteful that she hasn’t touched a piano in years and refuses to attend Juilliard, which has accepted her on the basis of her reputation. -Boston Globe

…despite the concerns of her mother that Ronnie barely graduated high school and “failed her SATs.” -USA Today

She’s still smarting from her parents’ divorce and nursing a major attitude. This means ignoring her acceptance to Juilliard, and befriending kids who spend all night partying under the boardwalk. -NYDailyNews

She does this on an idyllic island paradise off Savannah, Georgia, where her dad is a classical composer whose pastime is restoring stained-glass windows.  She blames her dad for the divorce, is sullen and withdrawn. Ten minutes after she hits the beach (dressed in Gothic black), her milk shake is spilled by a flying volleyball player named Will (Liam Hemsworth). -Roger Ebert

In addition to the terminal illness (signaled by a telltale cough around the movie’s midpoint), there is a church fire that Ronnie’s dad is believed to have started, a wayward friend with a bad boyfriend, another friend with a dead brother, a nest of sea turtle eggs menaced by a raccoon, and a romance — did I mention it was star-crossed? -NY Times

Two things soften Ronnie’s hard shell. She discovers a sea turtle nest and vows to protect it from raccoons. And she meets a boy. -Detroit Free Press

Though a blond ex-girlfriend and the hero’s snobbish mother try to split them, we know they’ve bonded over her trying to help sea turtles hatch on the beach. -NY Post

Sadly, none of the critics had the balls to reveal the ending.  After all the raccoons, sea turtles, beach volleyball, and church fires, I’m guessing the only way to tie everything together would be for Ronnie to fight a giant spider in the third act.

Based on the Nicholas Sparks novel, is the trailer for The Last Song, starring Miley Cyrus as a rebellious teenager who has to spend the summer with her estranged father, a concert pianist played by Greg Kinnear.  Or as I like to call it, A Wank to Remember.

The 12 years since Wings went off the year have been like a bad dream full of emptiness and pain.  But finally, according to Variety, the cast is reuniting to bring the story of the wacky Hackett Brothers to the big screen!  Hold on, I’m reading something…

Disney has acquired screen rights to the young adult novel “Wings” and will develop the bestselling Aprilynne Pike title as a star vehicle for Miley Cyrus.  Pic will be developed for Cyrus to play Laurel, a 15-year-old who grows up sheltered and home-schooled in a small town. Adjusting to a big high school is difficult, and her suspicion that she’s not like the other kids becomes a reality when she sprouts a pair of wings and learns that she’s a fairy. Published in May, the novel is the first of a planned four-book series. [Variety]

Aw, crap.  Another false alarm.  Maybe you’ll eat next month, Steven Weber.  Also: I always wonder if the fact that all redneck chicks dye their hair blonde now was influenced by Disney’s lazy ass plot devices.  Ten bucks says this movie will start with Miley Cyrus will be getting pushed around in the cafeteria, then they’ll throw a blonde wig on her, and Holy sh*t, she’s a fairy princess!

PS: “Aprilynne”?  F-ck off.