My semen smells like a nail salon!

According to /Film, Mike O’Hearn, aka Titan from American Gladiators, has “passed auditions” for the role of Conan the Barbarian, and is “sitting down with producers this morning.” (I hear that’s also how he pees).  He also says he’s auditioning for Captain America next week, and I’m sure someone who looks like this would never lie.

O’Hearn’s something of a physical renaissance man. He’s a four-time Mr. Natural Universe winner, a four-time California Power Lifting champion, a two-time winner of the Iron Warrior: Decathlon of Strength Strongman competition and a California judo champion. He acts, writes and produces. He played defensive tackle in college. He’s appeared on nearly 500 magazine covers across the world, and he’s the cover model for a series of romance novels. Basically, he can kick your butt every day of the week and look damn good doing it. [The Emory Wheel]

You know, it’s pretty easy and probably redundant to call an American Gladiator gay (and I mean gay in the dude-you’re-a-fag sense, not as in actually homosexual, which is fine by me).  But if ever there was a creepy-looking homo, it’s this creepy-looking homo.  It’s weird enough that he’s so roided out his body looks like a condom full of walnuts, but when you add a completely smooth, shiny face and a fluffy, flaccid, blow-dried mane to the mix it’s pure nightmare fuel.  He looks like a lesbian, but also like he wants to rape me. But what would he rape me with?  That’s what’s so scary!