Bloody-Disgusting just revealed the poster (trailer here) for I Spit on Your Butt. That’s what the movie’s called, right? To be honest, I couldn’t really concentrate. Anyway, I’m sure it will be really good, because it’s from the director of Mongolian Death Worm and Sasquatch Mountain. (No, really). Personally, I think they should’ve hired this girl I found on Tumblr for the lead, though I’m not sure whether she can act. Hahaha, I’m just kidding, of course. Her ability to act is irrelevant.

In other titteez ‘n ‘ginas news, after the jump I’ve got the new red-band (read: NSFW) trailer for Middle Men. It stars Giovanni Ribisi and Luke Wilson, and I really want to see it. As long as that puffy asswipe doesn’t start making snide comments about my Verizon coverage, I’m sold.

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Ah, it’s nice to be excited for a movie for a change.  Middle Men premiered at the Santa Barbara Film Festival where it was picked up for distribution by Paramount Vantage, and now it’s scheduled for an August theatrical run.  Written and directed by George Gallo, who wrote Midnight Run in 1988 and a bunch of random crap after that, Middle Men follows Giovanni Ribisi, James Caan, Gabriel Macht, and Luke Wilson playing a fictionalized version of Christopher Malick, the first guy to figure out how to charge credit cards for porn site access over the internet — a man who indirectly helped put food on my table for years.

Maybe I’m a little weird, but I’m fascinated by the internet porn phenomenon.  It’s barely 10 years old.  And about five years into it, I actually re-learned how to pleasure myself using my left hand (so that my right could control the mouse, commanding my virtual orgies like a Roman emperor).  I know, I know, too much information, but think about that:  How many eons of evolution were undone by the simple development of boobies on a computer screen?  So much so that a dumb primate like me could re-train itself to use its non-dominant hand for a daily activity?  That’d be like a shark one day deciding to swim backwards from now on because the water felt good on his butt hole.  Wouldn’t happen.  And that, my friends, is why we’re better than the sharks.

[HD available at Apple, hat tip: /Film]

Believe it or not, for Luke Wilson, this past year has been about more than just superior cell service and gravy bongs; he also made a movie.  It’s called Middle Men, it just got bought by Paramount for release next year, and it tells the true story of the guys who pioneered internet porn, a subject near and dear to my heart, boner, and past work experience.

Jack Harris [Wilson] has a faithful and loving wife, two beautiful children, and a successful career fixing problem companies. When an associate calls him about an opportunity to help turn around a business that has fallen into trouble, he decides to take the job. Little does he know, it is a decision that will change his life in ways he never expected. Jack meets with Wayne Beering [Giovanni Ribisi] and Buck Dolby [Gabriel Macht], two genius but troubled men who have invented a way to sell adult entertainment over the Internet. The plan was brilliant but the execution wasn’t — they were making money hand-over-fist and losing it just as fast. Seeing the potential, Jack agrees to partner with Buck and Wayne, devising a way to bill the entertainment through a third party, taking the guilt out of the ultimate guilty pleasure. Before he knows it, he finds himself caught between the Russian mob, a 23- year-old porn star, the FBI, and losing his family in the process of becoming rich. Witness a story so outrageous, you won’t believe it’s true. A story that proves business is a lot like sex…getting in is easy, pulling out is hard. [/Film]

Time out, getting in is easy?  If that were true, you wouldn’t be making a movie about internet porn, now would you. For that lazy metaphor, I’m gonna cover you with my chloroform hanky and take you on the snoozy train to rape town.