13 is a remake of the 2005 Georgian movie (red menace not red necks) 13 Tzameti, which takes the novel step of bringing in the original director (Géla Babluani) to do the English language version. Long story short, it’s about competitive Russian Roulette, and seems to have been cast like a younger, hipper Expendables. There’s Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, 50 Cent, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin and Don Frye (the Magnum PI of MMA), HBO dreamboats Alexander Skååårsgaåaååaaård and Michael Shannon, and Motherf*ckin’ Ray Winstone (his full name). But enough from me, let’s hear what The Stath has to say.
Oi, conts, it’s Da Stafe heah, isn’ Oy. As you kin see, Da Stafe stahs in dis new fiwm Firteen, which is about Russian Roullette or some bollocks. Sahdly, I don’ get ta kiw conts wiv a chair loike oy did in dat ovva movie. But it did give me do oppahtoonity ta weah a ravva fetching bowlah cap, innit. Whoy, Oy I fink Oy look propah sophistica’ed, don’ Oy, Tommy? Anyway, dis fiwm weren’t much of a stretch for da Stafe, because whoilst Da Stafe don’ normly play a lot of Russian Roullette, sometoimes Oy DO loike ta play a littew gaime Oy loike ta caw ‘Chatsworff roulette,’ where Da Stafe goes ta da focken Playboy Mansion, frows a point glahss inta da crowd, an’ den oy ‘as ta knob whicheva bird it ‘its, now ‘asn’t Oy. Sometoimes da birds come up and dey’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, whoy ‘as you ‘it me in da ‘ead wiff diss wew ‘eavy focken point glahss?” An’ den Oy is loike, “Wew, dahlin, if Da Stafe’s wew ‘eavy focken point glahss ‘adn’t ‘it yew in da skull, ‘ow would Da Stafe know dat you is da bird da Stafe is supposed to knob tonoight?’ An’ since dat is obviously a wew romantic fing ta say to a bird, aftah dat we usually knob in da back of moy sazz wagon. Moral a da story is, bein’ Da Stafe ain’t too focken bad, is it, Tommy.
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