Separated at birth?

Mickey Rourke has been telling anyone who will listen that he’s going to play Gareth Thomas, an openly gay Welsh rugby player who in 2009 became the only openly-gay male active in pro sports, in a biopic. This always seemed a little ridiculous considering Mickey Rourke is about to turn 60 and Gareth Thomas is 37. Last year, Rourke was telling people he was going to have his front teeth removed for the part, and now, according to reports, he’s had plastic surgery on his eyes (around his eyes, I assume).  Surgery for a part seems drastic (EAT YOUR HEART OUT, DAY-LEWIS!), but keep in mind it’s Mickey Rourke, whose face looks like it’s made of clay, for whom getting face surgery is about as drastic as Lady Gaga buying new sunglasses.

The Hollywood actor is looking lean and mean and has dropped two stone as he continues to transform his body, having already had work done on his eyes.
Producer Colin Vaines has contracted trainer and stunt co-ordinator Nick McKinless, who also happens to be a pretty good rugby player, to work with Mickey on engineering his body so that he could pass muster on the rugby pitch.

Is he a witch doctor? Because I don’t know how else that’s going to work. Just get Andy Serkis and put him in his little suit. He could play Gareth Thomas as a super-intelligent kangaroo if you wanted him to.

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I’d been looking for an excuse to post this picture of Mickey Rourke for a while now because I think it might be the most LA picture I’ve ever seen. My clothes smell like cigarettes just from looking at it. And where do you think Captain Leather Kuffs back there got those jeans, anyway? Is there a designer who does denim specifically for jockeys? No way those fit anyone over 120 pounds. Anyway, my excuse was this recent interview with Mickey Rourke, who was his usual, adorably candid self.

You visited a Russian prison to prepare for your role in Iron Man 2. How did you prepare to play an ancient Greek Titan king for Immortals?
I showed up. The director spent three years working on the overall look of the film and that really helped. They paid me a lot of money for a few days of work so I was happy to go. It’s just a shame I didn’t get to work with the hot blonde chick, Isabel Lucas. I also loved Frieda Pinto, but she has a boyfriend. She’s a really nice person and I have great respect for her as an actress — and I think most actresses are c*nts with a capital K.

“How did you prepare?” “I just showed up, but it was awesome because they paid me a lot and there were hot chicks.” That might be the most honest answer any actor’s ever given during a press tour. Meanwhile, unfortunately the interviewer doesn’t follow up at all on the precise meaning of “c*nt with a capital K.” When I interviewed Rob Huebel, he suggested “kunt” as a softer, more TV-friendly version of c*nt that girls could call each other to be cheeky, but the way Mickey Rourke says it, I think he means it to imply artificiality, like Kraft Cheez, or Krab. C*nt with a capital K as in the fakest, most artificial imitation kunt. But I’m just spitballin’ here.

That was far from the only Mickey Rourke quotable.

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Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

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Boy, this is sad news. Every time Mickey Rourke drops out of a movie, the baby Jesus cries and my Ganesha statue stops drinking milk. The clay-faced tough guy with a heart of gold and a soft spot for whores, tiny dogs, kids with cancer, and Eric Roberts is the perfect addition to any cast, but apparently his soft spot doesn’t extend to Irish auteurs, because he won’t be joining In Bruges director Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths. Which is a shame, because Seven Psychopaths was once set to star Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Colin Farrell, and Christopher Walken, a cast so amazing it makes the Justice League look like four hobos pissing on a trash fire.

Now Mickey Rourke is out and Woody Harrelson is in, and Rourke says McDonagh is a “jerkoff.”

Back in October, it was reported that Mickey Rourke dropped out of ‘The Expendables 2′ so he could negotiate to appear in Martin McDonagh’s ‘Seven Psychopaths’ with Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell. About that: “The director was a jerkoff. He wanted a whole lot for nothing,” Rourke told Moviefone late last week during an interview for ‘Immortals.’ When asked to confirm that he won’t appear in the thriller, Rourke had this to say about McDonagh (‘In Bruges’): “He can go play with himself.” [Moviefone]

If anyone ever stops Mickey Rourke from being totally candid at all times, I vow before my colleagues and creator that I will fight that person. Hollywood needs inappropriate Uncle Mickey to keep shooting from the hip, if only to remind everyone else how completely full of sh*t they are 98 percent of the time. Anyway, it’s a bummer that Mickey’s out, but Woody Harrelson’s okay too, I guess. He’s no Mickey, but I could never be too disappointed with Pepper from The Cowboy Way.

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Any film where Colin Farrell karate chops a midget I’ll watch out of principle, but In Bruges was pretty good to boot. It was written and directed by Martin McDonagh, and now CBS Films is in talks to distribute his latest, Seven Psychopaths. Needless to say, it sounds awesome.

The film reunites McDonagh with his In Bruges star Colin Farrell, who plays a screenwriter who struggles to find the handle on his script, called Seven Psychopaths. He gets drawn into the dognapping escapades of his friends (played by Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken). Once the beloved Shih Tzu owned by a psychopathic gangster goes missing, the screenwriter finds himself fueled with all the drama he needs for his screenplay, if he can stay alive long enough to write it all down. The film’s produced by Graham Broadbent and Peter Czernin, with Tessa Ross set as executive producer. CBS Films executive vice president Scott Shooman will oversee it when it shoots in Los Angeles this fall. [Deadline]

Yep, Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, and last we heard, Mickey Rourke was also in it (MICKEY ROURKE F*CKING LOVES TINY DOGS!). Not only would I watch the ever-living hell out of that movie, I’d also like to commission a velvet painting in the style of “Dogs Playing Poker,” with those guys as the dogs, and a midget waiter walking around with a platter of cocaine and a revolver in his belt in case things go south. I would hang that on my wall, possibly my tombstone.