The trailer for Java Heat hit the Internet yesterday, and (once again) I thought, “Hell yeah, what’s that about – Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson play rival coffee shop owners who have to band together to fend off the major chain moving in on their territory with the CEO played by Vince Vaughn? And maybe Will Ferrell and Danny McBride show up in cameos as Columbian coffee bean pickers? That sounds hilarious!”

It turns out I’m super f*cking wrong about this one.

After terrorist attack rocks Indonesia and kills the country’s much beloved Sultana and her daughter is kidnapped, Jake (Lutz), a reckless American tough guy who becomes embroiled in the turmoil ensuing the attacks.

Jake is bent on vengeance but quickly finds the world a more complicated place than he can solve with violence alone. Lost among labyrinths of religious, political and cultural havoc, Jake must ally with cerebral Muslim detective Hashim (rising Indonesian star Ario Bayu), who handles Jake more like a suspect than a partner. The uneasy friendship leads to a treacherous man-hunt for the attack’s real instigator, a new breed of klepto-terrorist (Rourke), who is even more twisted and terrifying than the Jihadist terrorists he hides behind.

He’s not a regular terrorist. He’s a KLEPTO-terrorist, so he’ll try to blow up your building while he keeps taking your stuff, but it’s not like he means to steal your things, he just has to because it’s a mental problem, like an addiction. They’ll be like, “Oh no, here comes Malik. Hide your sunglasses. Oh, and run, because he’s going to fire a rocket at us.”

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For the past several years, a combination of my secretive hipster nature and my desire to be a 40-something female writer has made 30 Rock my favorite show on TV. But lately, with the emergence of Happy Endings and 30 Rock’s eminent demise, the joy I once had for Thursday nights has taken a dip. It also didn’t help that 30 Rock has been slowly building up to a Kellen Lutz cameo for quite some time, culminating in the Twilight actor’s derptastic appearance a few weeks ago.

But while we stand dumbfounded in the wake of his success, everything continues to come up Lutz, from his ridiculous modeling with Kate Upton to his unfairly hot girlfriend to his starring role as Tarzan. And apparently the next project on Kellen’s hurrrrizon is the film Java Heat. That is an actual film title, and it amazingly has nothing to do with rival coffee shop owners.

IFC Films has acquired U.S. rights to the action thriller “Java Heat,” directed by Conor Allyn (“Red & White”), and plans a theatrical release for the film. (Via Indiewire)

Dude. Java Heat? Seriously?

“Conor Allyn has masterfully crafted a tour-de-force thrill ride that will be sure to impress both longtime fans of Mickey Rourke and Kellan Lutz,” said Sundance Selects/IFC Films president Jonathan Sehring. “We are extremely excited to be bringing ‘Java Heat’ to audiences across the country.”

Longtime fans of Kellen Lutz. Seriously?

The only redeeming quality for this film would be if Rourke plays the Muslim detective. Because that would just be amazing. You know he’d grow a beard and put a little turban on his cockatoo. Look, I even made a picture of what he would look like…

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Occasionally, a film will have a semi-secret message hidden inside it, some sort of inside joke for the filmmakers and/or people paying particularly close attention. This is called an “easter egg,” so named for the way Jesus Christ rose from the grave as a joke and gave eggs to all his followers. According to my sources who’ve seen the film, Martin McDonagh’s film, Seven Psychopaths, which opens the twelfth of this month, has one such easter egg aimed at Mickey Rourke.

First, a little backstory. Now, you might think a film whose plot centers around tough guys and their adorable, tiny dogs would be a natural fit for Mickey Rourke, if not an unspoken biopic, and you’d be right. Rourke was originally supposed to star, but was later replaced by Woody Harrelson. According to an interview Rourke gave about it later, McDonagh was a “jerkoff” who “wanted a lot for nothing,” and Mickey said “he can go play with himself.” (This is why I love Mickey Rourke, by the way, the man is incapable of censoring himself and it’s adorable).

The easter egg isn’t really a spoiler, but I’ll put it below anyway just in case you’re a little girl and you don’t want to get pee in your panties.

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Still my favorite red carpet photo of all time

I knew there were things Mickey Rourke and I had in common besides a foul mouth, a love of rugby, and a soft spot for dogs. It turns out he also hated Moneyball! At least, that’s what TMZ concludes, based on this exchange with Rourke as he was leaving his gym:

TMZ Camera Guy: How was your workout? Was today a legs day, or was today an upper-body day? Dude, because honestly, leg days are like the worst. Why are legs so boring?

Mother of God. Now, before we go any further, I just want you to bask in the complete and utter asininity of that statement. Not even in the half-remembered glaze of an ecstasy binge in the midst of a bout with mouth diarrhea has even Tila Tequila or the cast of Jersey Shore uttered a series of words so totally unnecessary. If this guy had been the first caveman to employ speech, and he’d used it for these ends, the other Australopithecus would’ve rightly beaten him to death with rocks and mankind would not have language. WHERE HAVE ALL THE AUSTRALOPITHECI GONE? WE NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER!

ROURKE: If you ask me any more questions, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna tie you to a chair and make you watch Moneyball all night.

That’s it. That’s the end of the exchange. 21 seconds of footage. Waiting to see how TMZ will spin this into a story is sort of like pausing a Michael Bay movie right after a character shoots a car and trying to guess how big it will explode (a game invented by Danger Guerrero, incidentally). Got your guesses in? Okay, go!

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Separated at birth?

Mickey Rourke has been telling anyone who will listen that he’s going to play Gareth Thomas, an openly gay Welsh rugby player who in 2009 became the only openly-gay male active in pro sports, in a biopic. This always seemed a little ridiculous considering Mickey Rourke is about to turn 60 and Gareth Thomas is 37. Last year, Rourke was telling people he was going to have his front teeth removed for the part, and now, according to reports, he’s had plastic surgery on his eyes (around his eyes, I assume).  Surgery for a part seems drastic (EAT YOUR HEART OUT, DAY-LEWIS!), but keep in mind it’s Mickey Rourke, whose face looks like it’s made of clay, for whom getting face surgery is about as drastic as Lady Gaga buying new sunglasses.

The Hollywood actor is looking lean and mean and has dropped two stone as he continues to transform his body, having already had work done on his eyes.
Producer Colin Vaines has contracted trainer and stunt co-ordinator Nick McKinless, who also happens to be a pretty good rugby player, to work with Mickey on engineering his body so that he could pass muster on the rugby pitch.

Is he a witch doctor? Because I don’t know how else that’s going to work. Just get Andy Serkis and put him in his little suit. He could play Gareth Thomas as a super-intelligent kangaroo if you wanted him to.

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