Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete.  Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM!  Robert DeNiro.   Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!).  I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones.  Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression?  She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.”  She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne.  Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.

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(Michelle Rodriguez pilots future helicopters a quarter mile at a time)

Avatar just released a new “interactive” trailer, and what that means is that you can go to this site and download an Avatar desktop application that has video trailers for all the characters from Avatar, and probably a lot of other cool stuff I’m not computer savvy enough to even understand.  It’s like, they’re creating an entirely new universe, man.  Instead, I just watched the trailer for Michelle Rodriguez’ character, Trudy Chacon¹.  You’ll never believe this, but she’s both hardcore and Latina.  Oh I know, I was as surprised as you are.  *snaps gum, puts on eye makeup*

^{1 It’s impossible to say this name without breaking into a bad Rosie Perez impression.}

Since I know you guys have barely heard anything about this project, here’s a new featurette for James Cameron’s Avatar.  A couple thoughts: first, as much as I want to see it, I can’t stop thinking about this comment about it from the other week:

“Good news, we can fly you to an alien planet and graft your DNA with that of an alien, follow that up with a mind-meld thingy, thereby allowing you to infiltrate their species and take them out.”

“And what about my paralysis? How’s that coming?”

“We’re not miracle workers, dude.”

Kind of a big ol’ turd in the Avatar punch bowl when you think about it.  Also, who decided it was a good idea to put Michelle Rodriguez in this?  She’s impossible to take seriously.  She’s like a female Billy Zane.  Except hardcore and Latin (a chill just ran down my spine from imagining a hardcore, Latin Billy Zane).  And lastly, I don’t think I ever noticed this before, but the material the humans are supposed to be mining is called “unobtainium.”  Seriously. It’s said to be found only on Pandora and in Diora Baird’s panties.

UPDATE on ‘unobtainium’: Read the rest of this entry »

UPDATE: Trailer now working and in HD

James Cameron’s Avatar doesn’t open until December 18th, but already it seems to have divided people dorks on the internet into pro and anti camps.  I think the CG looks sorta cheesedick (see above) and I hate 3D, but effects are secondary anyway, and the film earned my cautious optimism based on Cameron’s track record alone.

This new trailer is pretty long and looks good overall.  It inspires hope that Sam Worthington is finally in something that doesn’t suck as bad as Terminator Salvation, though it also reminds me that Michelle Rodriguez is in this — she’s so hardcore and Latina, you putos better recognize!  Come to think of it, it seems kind of weird that Sam Worthington’s playing basically the same spy-who-abandons-his-infiltration-mission character in this as in Terminator Salvation.   I’m thinking he can resolve this conflict with a simple heart transplant.  Because the heart is literally all that matters, you guys.

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After the jump is the just-released trailer for James Cameron’s Avatar (courtesy of TrailerAddict).  The HD trailer was supposed to be available at Apple at 9 AM CST but, surprise, it didn’t work (link may be working now).  This Frenchy MSN site has an HD trailer that works if the one below doesn’t suit you, your majesty. I’m still wondering just how badly mishandled the marketing for this movie is going to be.  Remember how Fox dropped the ball on Avatar Day?  Well it gets worse:

Fox called a do-over and sent out random emails today (some as early as 3am) scuttling the Monday confirmations and asking moviegoers to pick again. So, is the site fixed? Haha, no.  The actual physical act of selecting a time went smoothly enough, and there even seemed to be additional showtimes added, but I was amused to find that a simple selection and click-thru produced a random, broken debug menu on the top part of Fox’s confirmation page. Guys, even the fake Avatar trailer had better production values than this whole endeavor. [movieline]

Oh, Fox, I love to hate you so.  I’m going to rape you with kindness.

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