MINI SITE NEWS UPDATE: Hey, kids, Daddy’s back.  I know Burnsy and Cho-Cho have probably been letting you eat candy for dinner and draw dog poop murals on the living room wall, but now it’s time for you to straighten the f*ck up and act right or else I’ll redden that ass in front of the neighbors again. Don’t think I won’t.  Anyway, expect some news posts followed by a couple more Comic-Con posts at the end of the day, because uploading all those pictures takes forever.  Now back to your regularly scheduled postings.

After the jump, Robert Rodriguez and his cute little Ché hat introduce a new trailer for Machete, which he says is pretty “loco.” (That’s how you know he’s Mexican). I’m not a Spaniard myself, so I don’t know what that means, but I can tell you that the new trailer is crazy.  How crazy?  Well, let’s just say, come for the bare boobs, stay for the Danny Trejo repelling out of a building using a guy’s guts for a rope.  Because seriously, that happens. I thought no mames, guey, but mira, eet’s true.  I’m curious as to what being on this set must’ve been like.  Because I imagine that when you put Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez in the same room, everyone ends up bleeding, pregnant, or both.

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Oh GAWD, hide the good silverware and lock that deadbolt -it’s only been a day since we last mentioned Michelle Rodriguez and she’s already back to turn us all into her bitch. Yesterday, after wrapping up a panel discussion with some of the cast and crew from Battle: Los Angeles, handlers were able to corner Michelle and subdue her long enough to pick her brain on why practically every character she portrays always ends up getting the sh*t killed out of them. After much initial hissing and spitting, Rodriguez responded with:

Because I don’t take my clothes off, and I’m nobody’s girlfriend. The writers are new to the whole tough girl thing, and they don’t know what to do with [me]. We’ve got the dude who’s strong, so what do we do with the chick who’s strong? We kill her. Eventually they’ll get used to it, and maybe Salt will change a thing or two. [io9]

[click the link to watch a video of the interview. io9 isn't sharing their embedded code with anyone. -Ed.]

Yeah, whatever you say Michelle. I mean, I would have argued that your characters always die probably because they’re next to impossible for any actual human beings to relate to, not to mention that every time you…*Michelle Rodriguez slaps Chodin across the mouth* Okay, okay! Down girl! I get it, never mind. I love you…

First released Battle: Los Angeles stills after the jump:
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Amidst all the Hentei murals and Vince Mancini semen, a little something extra will be draped across the walls of Comic-Con this weekend: banners for Director Jonathan Liebesman’s (Darkness Falls, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning) alien epic Battle: Los Angeles. Robopanda first reported on this movie last year, when the production had decided to cheat Louisiana for Los Angeles just to f**k with everyone. The film stars everyone’s favorite chin, Aaron Eckhart, along with the world’s most terrifying female, Michelle “I Can’t Tell If I’m Sexually Attracted To You Or Not” Rodriguez. The two play members of a group of Marines whom Eckhart must lead through the streets of a Lindsey Lohan extraterrestrial ridden Los Angeles.

The viral site went online yesterday, driving traffic to the web address scrawled across the film’s banner ads, ReportThreats.org. From the main page viewers then link directly to a web page named W.A.T.C.H. or Worldwide Assessment of Threats Concerning Humankind, offering mock-documentary footage, interviews and photographs. Hey, wake up, d**khead. I’ve got a block quote below.

The W.A.T.C.H. site, as well as the banners on display at Comic-Con, are all focused on a few actual real-life historical mysterious alien events, including the pinnacle Battle of Los Angeles event in LA in 1942 (you can read all about it at that link). The site contains a huge collection of “Expert Analysis” videos, links to a bunch of “Evidence” articles and “Eyewitness Testimonials.” Beyond all that we’re not sure if this will lead to any major viral events in San Diego or if it’s just the start of the viral for Battle: Los Angeles and only the first of many websites we’ll see related to these creepy historical extraterrestrial events. [Firstshowing.net]

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Here’s the latest picture of Lindsay Lohan from Robert Rodriguez’ Machete, as nun with gun April Benz, holding an uzi with what I guess is a giant silencer.  Whatever it is, she’s come a long with from trying to lick her gun like a penis last week.  Haha, girls! Meanwhile, Machete opens September 8th, but Lindsay heads off to jail tomorrow.  Hopefully her co-star Michelle Rodriguez taught her a few things about lesbian prison gangs before she goes.  What?  Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian.  I just meant she’d probably know about prison and stuff because she’s Hispanic.

[via FilmTotaal]

This morning I woke up with tequila breath, my girlfriend knocked up, and a tattoo of a topless mariachi girl on my chest and I wondered why, and it turns out there’s a new Machete trailer out.  I guess with the Robert-Rodriguez-produced, Danny-Trejo-starring Predators out in theaters today, it was a perfect time to advertise the Rodriguez co-directed (along with his editor, Ethan Maniquis) Machete.

The new trailer has all the bike-mounted-chain-gun action of the first trailer with 100% more Mexican wrestling masks.  And of course appearances by all of the all-star cast — Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, and Michelle Rodriguez in her eye patch and bra.  At first I was a little intimidated at the sight of Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini, but ever since a Tijuana medicine man made me these rosary beads out of rattlesnake bones, I just rub them and it calms me.  He gave me the title “El Gringo Joto”, which I think must be a pretty big honor over there.

[via IGN]