Let’s just get this out there at the start: Offer Schlomi, aka Vince Offer, aka Vince from Shamwow, directed and co-wrote a film starring Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrien Brody, and that film has found a distributor. I’m passing out this article next time I hear someone complain about the economy.

The infamous omnibus film “InAPPropriate Comedy” — the brainchild of “ShamWow!” impresario Vince Offer — will get a theatrical release courtesy of Freestyle Releasing, which has picked up North American rights to the project. The company will also release the film on DVD and VOD through its Freestyle Digital Media.

I can’t find anything written about this project that gives some clue as to why it has “APP” capitalized in the middle of the title – is it a play on words? Is the movie about iPhone apps? Appetizers? – but that’s exactly the kind of out-of-the-box comedic thinking that got Rob Schneider where he is today.

Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider and Adrien Brody are the most high-profile stars that appear in the series of sketches that make up the film. Offer directed and co-wrote the script with Ari Shaffir and Ken Pringle. Robert B. Shapiro produced along with Ken Pringle for Square One Entertainment.
“‘InAPPropriate Comedy’ totally delivers to the ‘Jackass’ and ‘Borat’ audience,” said Freestyle co-president Susan Jackson. “We are also delighted to be working with director Vince Offer, whose experience and following from his remarkable direct marketing successes will prove invaluable to the promotion of the film.” [Indiewire]

I like to imagine Chris Pontius looked up from a freshly-chugged pint glass of horse semen and said, “Hey hey hey, you leave us out of this, we have a little something called integrity.”

Interestingly enough, this isn’t a departure for the Shamwow Guy, it’s actually a return to his roots.

Vince Offer wrote, directed, and starred in a 1999 movie called The Underground Comedy Movie, which was a sketch comedy film. To say that Vince’s movie was panned by critics would be quite an understatement. The New York Times claimed, “The Underground Comedy Movie stands as a monument to ineptitude and self-delusion.” Entertainment Weekly rated the movie an “F” and said of Vince Offer, “He’s got a second grader’s notion of satire.” The public doesn’t seem to like this movie any better than the critics: The average user rating on Netflix is 1.6 (out of 5) and caustic comments like “This movie was by far the worst movie I ever saw” appear with some regularity. [InfomercialHell]

Offer’s unsourced Wikipedia profile also says that the movie bankrupted him and spawned several lawsuits, which sort of makes it sound like the dangerously offensive film it tried to bill itself as in infomercials, until you read on and realize that most of the lawsuits in question were filed by Offer himself:

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Michelle Rodriguez has made a career out of being spicy and Latin (and dying in every movie), and the way she’s cast is no accident – she’s a real hot tamale! She was recently at an amFAR event at Cannes, where a reporter for Vulture asked her about The Paperboy, the movie where Nicole Kidman showers Zac Efron in a visible pee stream, which Rodriguez had just seen.

The following quote is what happens when you mix booze, reporters, Nicole Kidman’s pee, and Latin spice:

“I loved The Paperboy!” she told us. She wasn’t daunted by some of the pans for the Lee Daniels–directed movie? “I say f*ck them because they don’t get it,” Rodriguez replied. “He’s so good at keeping me entertained. When I don’t like the dialogue, I’m amused by the visuals. And when I don’t like the visuals, I’m amused by the dialogue. It’s always switching up senses. I’m intrigued by his ability to capture me in a theater. It’s not easy to capture me in a theater — I’m ADD like that.” As for those outrageous Paperboy scenes where Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron and arrives at a very loud hands-free orgasm, “I f*cking loved it,” Rodriguez enthused. “One of my friends said, ‘She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.’ I was like, ‘Nah, man. She’s not black!’ I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy.“

Aw, poor MichelleRod. She’s going to get a lot of crap for that quote because it sounds like she means that black actresses get some kind of special treatment. But that’s not what she meant. Actually it’s almost the opposite. Luckily for you, I’m well-schooled in PC clichés, so I can break this down for you: what she meant was the oft-repeated accusation that the Oscars only reward black actors for playing “demeaning” roles. (The usual dumb cliché that white washes a lot of nuance, like that Mo’Nique in Precious and Denzel in Training Day were really good at playing villains and deserved to win; and the fact that the corollary character, the “dignified black” or the “magic negro,” is just as racist and twice as pervasive). I’m pretty sure she was trying to say that if you’re a black actor, acting trashy helps you win awards, but it doesn’t have the same effect if you’re white, because the world is racist and Oscar voters don’t like watching white people act trashy and blah blah blah. More tiresome than offensive, really, if she’d said it right. Which she didn’t. Basically, that quote is what happens when you get high school dropout actors trying to parrot half-assed grad school essays. The consequences can be disastrous.

[pic via WWTDD]

This is from a project called Back to the Future, by Buenos Aires photography Irene Werner, in which she had people recreate childhood photographs.  It’s pretty awesome. |Pondly via PaulScheer|

MORNING LINKS

Are children out to kill us all? |

“Paula Deen riding things” is my new favorite thing. |WarmingGlow|

The Craziest Moments Of The 2011 Tokyo Marathon. |WithLeather|

That robot seal can ball. |GammaSquad|

What the hell is Michelle Rodriguez wearing?  You can’t just throw a slip dress on over a wrestling singlet, dude, trust me on this one.

25 ideas for Human Centipede 2. |HolyTaco|

Someone’s idea for a commercial: cats with thumbs. Give him a raise. |TheDailyWhat|

The Fonz joining Kevin James’ MMA comedy, Mixed Martial Farts. |ScreenJunkies|

Anne Hathaway hates James Franco now. Aw, sad dicknose : 3==> (  |TheSuperficial|

Reader email: My girlfriend has a snake in her butt. |BarstoolSports|

A flipbook of Shannon Marie stripping down to her hand bra. |GorillaMask|

When hip hop and movies collide. |UnrealityMag|

8 movie stars as animated characters. |NextMovie|

Brainwaves are the new focus groups. |MovieFone|

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Below is the new trailer for Battle: Los Angeles, which seems to have the collective arm flab of the internet all a-quiver with pre-emptive applause.  Yes, the trailer looks pretty good, very explosion-y.  But I remember thinking the same thing about Independence Day.  And this is still a movie from the director of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake starring Michelle Rodriguez, right?   Just checking.   (You’ll never believe this, but MichelleRod plays a hardcore Latina Marine).  So will it be the next District 9 or the next Skyline?  Either way, I guess we’ll find out on 3-11-2011.

Well, you’ll find out anyway.  That’s the day *I* celebrate 311 day, by taking giant b-loads and bumping “Come Original.”   Whoa, dude, did he just say “amber is the color of my energy?”  That’s, like, (*bong load*) …deep, brah.  (*coughs)

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After the jump, I’ve got new trailers for Battle: Los Angeles, and Beastly, the “edgy teen drama” about learning not to judge a book by its cover.  Beastly stars Alex Pettyfer as Handsome McPopular, a rich high school kid who has it all — money, abs, flowing locks, inexplicable speech-giving opportunities — until one day he pisses off goth witch Mary-Kate Olsen, who turns his eyebrows into Arabic writing. WHO’S GONNA LOVE YOU NOW, FARSI FACE?  Hard to say what my favorite part was, because this trailer has everything:

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