Michael Fassbender famously unsheathed his monstrous uncut wang in Shame, one of the many films for which he earned rave reviews in 2011, including X-Men Girth Class, Haywang, A Dongerous Method, and the upcoming Promethenis. We’ve taken to referring to he and his wang as Michael and the Fasspenis, and it seems we’re not the only ones who can’t stop talking about it. Charlize Theron even expressed her desire to work with it at a Human Rights Campaign Gala recently. In other news, it’s good to be Michael Fassbender.

Referencing Fassbender’s full-frontal work in Shame, Theron quipped, “I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I’ve worked with them.”

The Oscar-winner didn’t stop there. “Your penis was a revelation,” she said to the howling audience. “I’m available to work with it any time.” [EW]

No one’s ever called my penis a revelation, and I’ve had sex with countless altar boys. Anyway, these jokes are all fun and games now, but just wait till he gets married someday and his poor wife has to endure all manner of people walking bowlegged around her, pantomiming hot dogs down hallways, echo jokes, etc. The only consolation is that she’ll probably torn in half before she can hear any of it.

Pic source: Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

Ridley Scott and Damon Lindelof released the full-length trailer for Prometheus at Wondercon, and from the looks of it, it was BYOB. Bring Your Own (*BRAAAAAAAAHM*)

 In the distant future, two superpowers control Earth and fight each other for all the solar system’s natural resources. When one side dispatches a team to a distant planet to terraform it for human colonization, the team discovers an indigenous race of bio-mechanoid killers.
Ridley Scott, director of ‘Alien’ and ‘Blade Runner,’ returns to the genre he helped define. With PROMETHEUS, he creates a groundbreaking mythology, in which a team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a thrilling journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.
Starring Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Guy Pearce, Idris Elba, Charlize Theron, and Logan Marshall-Green, Prometheus is due in theaters June 8th. [AMC Theaters via TheDailyWhat]

Have you noticed that literally EVERY movie about the future has one of those giant holographic computer screens with icons that you move around with your hands? I’m convinced that that product actually exists, and this is just the longest viral marketing campaign in history.

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Michael Fassbender knows what you're about to do, and he does not approve

Before I saw Shame, I used to call Michael Fassbender “Michael F. Assbender.” But now that I know the kind of meat he’s packing, I think “Michael & The Fasspenis” might be more accurate – like an indie band, or a Russian opera. Anyway, Toldja.com is reporting that  M & The FP have signed on for The Counselor, the original screenplay by Cormac McCarthy. It was rumored earlier that Ridley Scott would make The Counselor his next movie after Prometheus, which opens in June, but one should always take Ridley Scott rumors with a grain of salt, because Ridley Scott has even more talk and less follow through than your average coked-up Hollywood type. Well now, according to Deadline, The Counselor has “landed” Michael Fassbender and is “eyeing” a May 1st start date. I use sarcastiquotes because who the hell knows what those words even mean in this context.

Scott has landed one of the hottest actors in Hollywood, is eyeing a May 1 start date, and talking to a number of high-profile actors to take part in a film that insiders are describing as “No Country For Old Men on steroids.”

The protagonist is a respected lawyer who thinks he can dip a toe in to the drug business without getting sucked down. It is a bad decision and he tries his best to survive it and get out of a desperate situation.

Now, Scott has to get his bad guy. Last time there was a villain like this conjured up by McCarthy, Javier Bardem played him and won an Oscar in No Country For Old Men. I’m hearing names like Jeremy Renner, Bradley Cooper and even some unexpected candidates like Brad Pitt, whose career launched in Scott’s Thelma & Louise.

The film isn’t set at a studio and it is unclear when it will be. [yes, it seems like this part is pretty important] -via Deadline/Toldja.com

I love Cormac McCarthy’s work, but I don’t know how excited to be about this until Prometheus comes out and we get to see whether it’s good enough to wash the taste of the colossal clusterf*ck that was Robin Hood out of our mouths (what does colossal clusterf*ck taste like? You don’t want to know, bros.). Was it an unfortunate misfire or a symptom of Ridley Scott’s gradual descent into madness? Hard to say, though he has seemed a bit megalomaniacal lately. All I know is that with Michael Fassbender involved, “No Country for Old Men on steroids” doesn’t sound like a great description. How about “No Country for Old Men on penis-enlargement pills.” Look at him, he looks like the “after” scene from an Enzyte commercial:

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I like this Shame ad at least three times as much as I liked the actual movie. Also, that 2 girls 4 hands massage sounds pretty good. |Copyranter|

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Nominate for Comments of the Week.

"Prepare your anus, it is time for an Assbender."

Perhaps no more factual, well-reasoned, thoroughly-researched article exists, than the one over at TheEnvelope right now that postulates, “Did Michael Fassbender’s big part cost him a nom?” HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, EINSTEIN Q. CRONKITE, I THINK YOU’RE ONTO SOMETHING!

Get it? By ‘big part’ they mean his penis! And I’m sure that was the reason! At first people probably saw the Fasspenis and were like, “OMG, NOM NOM NOM!” but then they probably got second thoughts when they realized how big it was. Happens to me all the time. Well, friends of mine. This guy I met once. Okay, we didn’t meet, but I read all about it in a magazine. His name was “Steve,” I think.

The Irish hunk’s bold portrayal of a sex addict in the NC-17-rated “Shame” has had tongues wagging since last fall, but as awards campaigning chugged along, some of the wagging moved from what was in his performance to what was in his underwear.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, a thousand times I’m sorry, but I read that part about “tongues wagging about what was in his underwear” and immediately imagined three elderly Academy voters fighting over the right to eagerly, breathlessly, hungrily lap up steaming heaps of Fasspoops. Served in a golden chalice. Just tearing each other apart for the opportunity.

His brave displays of nudity and desperate sexual encounters in Steve McQueen’s film revealed that Fassbender was gifted in both acting and anatomy, earning him Critics’ Choice and Golden Globe nominations, among many others. [Not to mention the Nobel Prize for MONSTROUS DICK-HAVING] But the conversation on Michael moved further south, so to speak, since those accolades were handed out.

Further south? Dammit, Florida. This is why we can’t have nice things.

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