I like this Shame ad at least three times as much as I liked the actual movie. Also, that 2 girls 4 hands massage sounds pretty good. |Copyranter|

MORNING LINKS
Ever want to see me do stand-up? Check out our new Events page for information. |Events|

Matt Ufford drops by to argue over donkey jizz, Moneyball, and Ferris Bueller.|Film Drunk|

30 Funny, Catty, and Bitter Twitter Reactions To DC’s “Before Watchmen” Announcement |Gamma Squad|

The 15 Best Ads of the 2012 Super Bowl So Far |Warming Glow|

First Look: NBA All-Star 2012 Jerseys |Smoking Section|

Here’s The Best F-You Letter Written By A Slave To His Former Master You’ll Ever Read |UPROXX|

First World Problems: NFL Worried About Glee’s Influence On Roman Numerals |With Leather|

26 Meanest Quotes From Reviews Of Lana Del Rey’s New Album |Buzzfeed|

The Best Football Fan Raps |Adult Swim|

Keira Knightley likes sex on her face |FARK|

20 Movie Posters that Have Been Banned Somewhere for Being Too Profane, Gruesome, Provocative, or Offensive |Pajiba|

15 Celebrities Doing Cheesy Print Ads |Unreality|

14 Photos of Alex Ovechkin’s New $4.2 Million Mansion |Brobible|

Facebook Safe Sex Ad |High Definite|

Grading the Super Bowl ads before they happen. |ScreenJunkies|

Bruce Willis told Demi to go to rehab, she said no, no no. |TheSuperficial|

5 reasons teenagers act the way they do. |MentalFloss|

A truly wonderful dance break. |Videogum|

Check out this special-edition, pro-life Walther P22. Yes, that’s a gun. |TheDailyWhat|

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Nominate for Comments of the Week.

"Prepare your anus, it is time for an Assbender."

Perhaps no more factual, well-reasoned, thoroughly-researched article exists, than the one over at TheEnvelope right now that postulates, “Did Michael Fassbender’s big part cost him a nom?” HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, EINSTEIN Q. CRONKITE, I THINK YOU’RE ONTO SOMETHING!

Get it? By ‘big part’ they mean his penis! And I’m sure that was the reason! At first people probably saw the Fasspenis and were like, “OMG, NOM NOM NOM!” but then they probably got second thoughts when they realized how big it was. Happens to me all the time. Well, friends of mine. This guy I met once. Okay, we didn’t meet, but I read all about it in a magazine. His name was “Steve,” I think.

The Irish hunk’s bold portrayal of a sex addict in the NC-17-rated “Shame” has had tongues wagging since last fall, but as awards campaigning chugged along, some of the wagging moved from what was in his performance to what was in his underwear.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, a thousand times I’m sorry, but I read that part about “tongues wagging about what was in his underwear” and immediately imagined three elderly Academy voters fighting over the right to eagerly, breathlessly, hungrily lap up steaming heaps of Fasspoops. Served in a golden chalice. Just tearing each other apart for the opportunity.

His brave displays of nudity and desperate sexual encounters in Steve McQueen’s film revealed that Fassbender was gifted in both acting and anatomy, earning him Critics’ Choice and Golden Globe nominations, among many others. [Not to mention the Nobel Prize for MONSTROUS DICK-HAVING] But the conversation on Michael moved further south, so to speak, since those accolades were handed out.

Further south? Dammit, Florida. This is why we can’t have nice things.

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"DAWWWWWWWW!"

UPDATE: Now with higher-quality embed. Scroll down.

The trailer for Prometheus, Ridley Scott’s prequel/sequel/sorta-related story to Alien is finally online. The movie stars Idris Elba, Michael F. Assbender, Guy Pearce, Noomi Rapace, and Charlize Theron, and of itself, the trailer would be pretty cool. It doesn’t tell us much beyond the fact that the sets are really big, but who doesn’t love a big set (*points to ‘TITS OR GTFO’ shirt*)?  But after Fox released no fewer than THREE teasers for the trailer (yes, trailers for a trailer, basically), I guess I expected more than a 60-second trailer where none of the shots last more than a few seconds. If Prometheus himself had made this big a deal about the gift of fire, I think humanity would’ve been like, “Jeez, asshole, we get it already, get over yourself.”

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"You ain't no Cedric."

Opening Everywhere: No new movies, just your mom’s legs. Burn.

Opening Somewhere: There are no movies opening in wide release this weekend, but if you check your local listings, you might be able to check out Shame, Answers to Nothing, Coriolanus, and Sleeping Beauty.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince’s exact quote to me about this weekend was, “Save your money and take that special someone to see New Year’s Eve next weekend because it looks incredible.”

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"Prepare your anus, it is time for an Assbender."

Shame is overwrought and lacking in real story, but the Fasspenis deserves Best Actor

If you just want the abridged Shame review, here it is: Michael Fassbender is a sex addict. That’s it. That’s the whole movie. Just stop reading right here. Shame is about Michael Fassbender having dirty sex and thinking nasty sex thoughts and looking at filthy sex porn on the internet for 101 minutes, with all the initial awesomeness turning to repetitiveness that would entail. Oh, and he has a humongous penis (yes, this is a shameless teaser for the rest of this review).

Okay, so there’s a liiittle more, but the “more” is the worst part. I suspect there’s a great short film buried inside Shame (mmm, yeah, baby, let me bury my short one inside you). A 25-minute tone portrait of a sex addict, Michael Fassbender’s relentless, rhythmic rutting thumps and gnarled sex face — a loving vignette of a madman in its own way, artful in its specificity. It’d probably win awards. But it’s not enough story for a feature, and it shows in Shame‘s third act, deteriorating into artsy montage and pulling every overwrought trick in the art school handbook in a needy attempt to seem, like, sooo serious and deep, you guys. I mean, really? A suicide attempt set to classical music? What are we, 13? (Oh right, my headline. I guess we are.).  Still, for a movie that’s meant to depict the filthiness of sex, it isn’t quite filthy. It’s movie-dirty.

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