"TELL US WHO RAPED YOU!"

Among the leaked dispatches that came to light during the latest Wikileaks release was a cable from June 2009 detailing how access to American TV and films in Saudi Arabia is doing more to dissuade young people from becoming terrorists than anything else.  Among the TV shows mentioned were Friends, Desperate Housewives, The Late Show with David Letterman, and the CBS and ABC Evening News. After all, who cares about 72 virgins in the afterlife when you can have Matt LeBlanc NOW?

The upshot: American TV shows are much more effective than al-Hurra, a U.S.-funded news channel that often features interviews with U.S. politicians and plenty of programming with a pro-American slant.

“It’s still all about the war of ideas here, and the American programming on MBC and Rotana is winning over ordinary Saudis in a way that al-Hurra and other US propaganda never could,” the cable says. “Saudis are now very interested in the outside world and everybody wants to study in the US if they can. They are fascinated by US culture in a way they never were before.”

Wait, you mean our politicians weren’t the best representation of our people?  Hold on, let me write this down…  Right, we were here for the movies:

During the recent Eid holiday, Rotana’s ‘Fox Movies’ channel repeatedly aired two mawkish US dramas (again with Arabic subtitles) featuring respectful, supportive American husbands dealing with spouses suffering from addiction problems — in one case gambling (lost the kids’ college funds and then told her college professor husband it was because he was boring) and the other alcohol (smashing cars and china when she wasn’t assaulting the husband and child.) These films and others broadcast over the Eid offer models of supportive behavior in relationships, as well as exemplary illustrations of heroic honesty in the face of corruption (‘Michael Clayton’) and respect for the law over self-interest (‘Insomnia.’). [Yahoo]

Anyone have any idea what the college professor movie might be?  I’ve got nothing.  And are we sure these rock throwers weren’t just watching waiting for the inevitable honor killing?  Meanwhile, the CIA reports that the jihadists’ best weapon against us remains Valentine’s Day, starring Queen Latifah and Ashton Kutcher, to whom he refers as “a one-man Al Qaeda recruitment drive.”

Sydney Pollack, director of such films as The Firm, Tootsie, and Three Days of the Condor, died yesterday at age 73.  Pollack was also well known as an actor and had roles in films as recent as Made of Honor and Michael Clayton.

Pollack, diagnosed with cancer about nine months ago, died Monday afternoon, surrounded by family, at his home in Pacific Palisades in Los Angeles, said his publicist, Leslee Dart. He was 73. [AP]

Many of the stars with whom Pollack worked, such as George Clooney, Sally Field, Martin Landau and others, took time out to praise Pollack for his character and body of work, and many other really nice things which probably would’ve been nice for him to hear while he was alive.  Oops, too late.

Nice one, jerks.

Michael Clayton (which was probably somewhere between 11 and 14 on my best of ’07 list) will be re-released in about 1,000 theaters on January 25th.

It makes sense, considering Michael Clayton came out around the same time as Gone Baby Gone, Assassination of Jesse James, Into the Wild, In the Valley of Elah, Eastern Promises… Which was brilliant marketing by whoever made that decision, truly.  Way to release all the real movies at the same time and then give National Treasure no competition for three goddamned weeks and let Alvin and the freakin’ Chipmunks make $200 million freakin’ dollars. 

You should all be strapped to a chair with your eyelids taped open and forced to stare at Nic Cage’s creepy forehead for five hours, and then be there for every round of script changes on the CGI movie adaptation of Family Circus. 

HEY, I KNOW – MAYBE JEFFY COULD STUB HIS TOE WHILE HELPING BILLY BUILD HIS LEMONADE STAND AND THEN DOLLY TAKES BARFY THE DOG FOR A WALK?  BUT THEN HOW DO WE INTRODUCE THE KITTYCAT CHARACTER? WE CAN’T HAVE A FAMILY CIRCUS MOVIE WITHOUT PJ AND KITTYCAT! THAT WOULD JUST BE RIDICULOUS!!!!! 

Assholes.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age.  Shekhar Kapur. Cate Blanchett, Clive Owen, Geoffrey Rush. I’ll admit, I was excited about this at first.  Spanish Armadas? The inquisition? Clive Owen as a pirate?  Yes, please. But early buzz has not been so kind: "the most ornate episode of Saved by the Bell you’ll ever see." — "An extended game of 16th-century Barbie." — "less a chronicle of counter-Reformation hijinks than a 16th-century episode of The Hills."  Ouch. Keep in mind that was three different reviews. Oh well, Cate Blanchett has always annoyed me. Stupid people think she’s a good actress because she has that "Look at me! I’m acting!" style, even though that’s the opposite of what actors are supposed to do.  Blanchett is to acting what Spike Lee is to directing. 

Also, must they ruin every pirate movie?

We Own the Night. James Gray. Mark Wahlberg, Joaquin Phoenix, Robert Duvall, Eva Mendes.  Yup, it’s a movie alright. 

Why Did I Get Married? Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry, Janet Jackson, Sharon Leal, Jill Scott.  Maybe it’s good?  I dunno. But here’s an SAT answer – Tyler Perry Movies: White People, NASCAR: Black People

The Final Season – Sean Astin stars in the heartwarming tale of who gives a shit. 

Michael Clayton. Tony Gilroy. George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Tilda Swinton. Made $46 grand a screen in limited release last weekend and is currently tracking 90% on RottenTomatoes.  Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner. 

Heartbreak Kid failed to beat out The Game Plan this weekend as Hollywood put up its worst numbers for an October weekend since 1999. 

It’s nice to see a movie fail largely on the strength of poor reviews (especially one with Carlos Mencia in it) like Heartbreak Kid did, but when a movie with the Rock is at the top spot (and it’s on track to become the highest grossing Rock movie ever), there isn’t much to celebrate about.  

The Kingdom came in third, which is a shame because it’s a pretty kickass movie, despite the fact that director seems to enjoy shaking the camera around for no other purpose than to give the audience motion sickness for the entire movie.  Can someone please let Hollywood know that that shit is retarded?  If I wanted to feel like a shaken baby, I’d… uh… turn into a baby… and… uh… shake myself.  Or something. 

On the plus side, Michael Clayton opened on 15 screens and made $704,000 for an astounding $46,933 average.  Sadly, George Clooney still won’t admit that he’s my real father.