Pixar just released this teaser for their second sequel, Cars 2.  While it’s fun to rip on Dreamworks for being the Fredo of animated movies (this cartoon pretty much says it all), Pixar didn’t get the reputation for being the smart one by making movies like Cars 2.  Michael Caine voicing the smooth British car and Larry the Cable Guy as the buck-toothed hillbilly car is an idea right out a Dreamworks brainstorming session.  The only thing missing is popular song explicitly about cars.  Larry the Cable Guy seems like the kiss armpit fart of death for any project, doesn’t he?  Imagine if Andy Kaufman had come out with his “foreign guy” character, and when he realized people liked it, put out 10 foreign guy records and changed the name on his driver’s license to say “Latka.”  “Well, looks like a I found my niche, time to invent a catch phrase.”

[via ThePlaylist]

My favorite part of Inception was watching the dumb blonde soccer moms sitting in front of me roam the lobby afterward asking every theater employee they could find if the entire movie had been Cobb’s dream.  As if the guy holding a puke mop making eight dollars an hour owed them his interpretation of a piece of art.  There’s nothing worse to me than being stuck in a conversation with someone who insists on telling you why the suitcase in Pulp Fiction actually contained Marcellus Wallace’s soul.  HE DIDN’T SHOW IT TO YOU BECAUSE IT WAS MORE FUN TO LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR IMAGINATION, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN DESTROY THIS BEAN DIP.

That said, if there’s any person whose interpretation I will listen to, it’s Michael Caine. That guy once explained blinking to me and it changed my whole perspective on sh*t.  Now, obviously this explanation will include “spoilers”, so put on your big boy pants and join me after the jump.

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If you’ve never seen Michael Caine’s appearance on the BBC’s acting series in which he demonstrates the power of blinking, it’s a must watch.  Someone took that idea to its logical conclusion, which is that if a woman had been present while he’d been doing it, she would’ve had an orgasm in a restaurant.  And then techno beats would start droppin’.  Then time itself would get all choppy and non-linear. He’s just that good an actor. (Thanks, Oski)

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Robopanda rocks my world yet again with “10 Examples of Bears Being Awesome.” |Uproxx|
• Remember Big Dog the scary robot?  Little Dog is like that except small enough to hide in your crawlspace at night. |GammaSquad|
• How to practice safe daggering: a how-to guide. |SmokingSection|
• Six things your girlfriend lies to you about. |HolyTaco|
• Kung Fu Bear is one of the most literally incredible videos I’ve ever seen, yet I can’t spot any obvious clues that it’s fake. |WarmingGlow|
• The muppets’ Beaker visits 10 historical moments. |Guyism|
• Peter King lost his BlackBerry. |KissingSuzyKolber|
• Houston Press names Nick Nolte’s Mugshot the number one satirical Twitter account. I hear the guy who writes that is really handsome.  |HoustonPress|
• Speaking of mugshots… 41 hilarious mugshots. |Urlesque|
• A gallery of female celebrities eating bananas. |Fark|
• Hot Playmates of the Year.  You know, as opposed to ugly Playmates of the Year. |Gunaxin|
• University of Nebraska study finds that almost all high school students cheat. |Asylum|
• It’s nice to see that my Columbia classmate James Franco is finally getting some work. |FListed|
• Lost cast on Jimmy Kimmel.  “Lost”? I don’t believe I’m familiar with that show. |ScreenJunkies|

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Check out these links or die tryin.

• A map of where every bad guy died in Die Hard.  It makes dying a little less… hard. Okay, that didn’t really make sense, but then again, so’s your face. |NextRound|
• 10 sport domain names that need to exist. Why?  Because 11 would’ve been too many. |Uncoached|
• The Kindle Three helps you read, even if you can’t read. Every Fox exec would own one of these. |CollegeHumor|
• Chris Brown is working on his new album.  It’s gonna be a knockout. |RealTalkNY|
• Five disturbing Sam Raimi moments.  I can’t believe the time he raped your mother at a hobo sex party isn’t on here.  Oh yeah, I went there. |ScreenJunkies|
• “Hot Sluts, Episode One.” Okay, you have my attention.  |Atom|
• “Yo, Dude, did you see my new TV?  It’s rape free.” |BoingBoing|
• Man, between this chick and Susan Boyle, the gossip rags really can’t stop rubbing really ugly people in my face.  Ugly people should just, like, stop. |DailyFill|
• Venn Diagrams of movies vs. their “urban” counterparts. So apparently a Venn Diagram is one of those overlapping circle graphs. Meanwhile, the Venn Diaphragm was discontinued early on due to unwieldyness.  |HolyTaco|
• Check it out, a tribute montage to Jay Leno. Sort of. |Videogum|

SITE NEWS: I pulled an all-nighter, folks. Turns out lugging all your worldly possessions up four flights of stairs takes a long time. Oh, and thanks to the NYPD for the parking ticket. “Are you giving me a ticket? I’m just unloading.” “You can’t park here.” “So where should I park? Where are people supposed to park when they’re moving?” “…Sir, I’ve already started writing the citation. I can’t just tear it up now.” “Yes, God forbid. That’s cool, I’ll just pay you $100. Wouldn’t want to be a bother.” Anyway, long story short, no sleep = expect weirdness. And typos.

MTV has a good scam going.  Basically, they take something popular, like say, Arrested Development, and spend six months generating traffic by starting rumors of an Arrested Development movie, and then generate even more traffic by subsequently dismissing their own rumors.  They pulled this crap all last year, where almost every day they’d ask a different cast member if he’d be interested in an Arrested Development movie, their responses trumpeted in articles with shouted headlines, all variations on “Arrested Development Movie???!?”

This year it’s The Dark Knight sequel rumors.  Yesterday MTV ran a story in which Michael Caine supposedly told them Warner wanted Phillip Seymour Hoffman for the Penguin and Johnny Depp for the Riddler in “Batman 3″.  Today, PhilHoff is calling bullshit on those rumors, according to reports by…. you guessed it, MTV!

“No one has talked to me about it ever — never,” replied Hoffman. “It happened, like, five years ago, too. It was a rumor back then and it’s still a rumor. [laughs] It’s just in the press. It’s funny.”

When further pressed for his level of interest if Warner Bros. approached him about the role, Hoffman said, “I don’t know. I think I’m more interested in seeing someone else do it. I don’t know if I’d be a good Penguin to be quite honest. [laughs]”

Why do I allow MTV to play this stupid game, you’re probably wondering.  Well, when it comes down to it, let’s face it, I’m kind of lazy.  That I have a job that doesn’t require pants is not coincidence.