"No, no, this ass lighting is all wrong. God is such an amatuer."

Good news day on FilmDrunk continues, as a day that’s already seen us report a Grown Ups sequel and a Three Stooges trailer now can add the prospect of a fourth Transformers movie. And probably with Michael Bay on again to direct, because it’s not just anyone that can film indistinguishable flaming balls of shit flying at each other.

Michael Bay is in final negotiations to direct a new Transformers film, insiders tell Vulture. In recent days, Bay has been assembling a cast for a long-gestating project that even predates Bay’s entry into planet-destroying, Pain and Gain, based on a three-part New Times story about the infamous “Sun Gym gang,” a group of dimwitted Miami bodybuilders who kidnapped, tortured, and robbed a Florida businessman but got their comeuppance when their left-for-dead victim hired a private eye to hunt them down [formerly described as "Point Break with bodybuilders." -Ed]. Insiders tell Vulture that Bay has been seeking to adapt the sordid revenge tale almost since its publication in 1999, and that it’s proving the major blandishment in getting Bay to commit to launching a new Transformers cycle. “Without Pain, there’s no tit for tat,” explains one person familiar with the talks, “That’s Paramount’s leverage.”

I assume Michael Bay has the tats, because I can’t imagine him trading tits for anything. Basically, the plan would be for Bay to shoot the bodybuilder movie first and Transformers 4 immediately after.

Another insider familiar with the situation cautioned that while Paramount “does not have a closed deal” with Bay, the studio “is not far from closing” on one, either, and that an announcement could come as early as next week. Meanwhile, the details of the next cyborg saga [THEY'RE NOT CYBORGS! *takes puff on inhaler*] are being kept secret, but we’re told that it is definitely not a prequel, and that it will delve deeper into the Transformers canon to mine older characters and lore.

The most important question on Shia Labeouf’s mind: WHERE’S BUMBLEBEE NOW?

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Tyrese Gibson was on Attack of the Show last night talking to Candace Bailey about his R & B album, and while pretending to give a sh*t about Tyrese Gibson’s R & B album should warrant serious Emmy consideration, more relevant to our interests was Gibson’s story about working with Michael Bay.

There was a Maybach, probably one of three in the world… there was a big stunt that we had to do. It was supposed to be a stunt driver driving this car, and it ended up being a PA [production assistant, basically the lowest grunt on the film/TV production totem pole]. Now, this car costs about $4 million dollars. And the PA ran the Maybach into a wall. So Michael Bay, he flipped out. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!” And then he had an aha moment, where he sat down and was like, [out of breath] “I need a Big Mac.” A Big Mac calmed Michael Bay down. And so here it is, this Maybach, he flips out, they fly a Big Mac to the set, and now he’s just sittin’ there, he’s got a little vein coming out his forehead, and he’s chewing on this Big Mac.

Can you imagine any place in the world far enough from a McDonald’s location that getting a Big Mac there would necessitate a plane flight? The answer is no, you can’t, but they flew it anyway because Michael Bay doesn’t consider it a favor if it doesn’t burn jet fuel. The other thing I should point out is that between Michael Bay’s Big Mac demands and Kevin James’ infamous cheeseburger trough, one might be tempted to draw a parallel between schlocky Hollywood fare and a love of McDonald’s. But I think that’s merely a coincidence. More likely is that Michael Bay has sold product placement to his entire life. Anger = have a Big Mac. Party at my house? P Diddy’s vodka. Relationship trouble? Ask Siri. You live a baller life like Michael Bay, sponsors are naturally going to demand a piece of the action, and he’d be stupid not to take it. Don’t be naive, bro, this is how Hollywood works.

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It’s a well known fact that Michael Bay signs off all email correspondence and voicemail messages with (*explosion sound*). He won the love of his first girlfriend when he buried 34 sticks of dynamite in the shape of a heart under her lawn outside her bedroom window (killing a two cats and a racoon in the process). Point being, everyone knows Michael Bay loves explosions. Michael Bay and explosions are the Bogart and Bacall of our times. And now, much like my Steven Seagal word cloud, Frankenspace.com has created some graphs tracking Michael Bay’s love of explosions chronologically through his movies.

As you can see, Michael’s love affair with the flaming orb began early, and grew steadily until 2001′s Pearl Harbor, which had the most explosions of any Bay film to date. Sadly, it turned out to be a critical and commercial disappointment. The post-Pearl Harbor period was a time of great sadness. Like all men of great passion, Michael Bay’s larger-than-life persona and hair like a unicorn’s mane masked a sensitive soul, with emotional skin as delicate as a newborn marsupial. He retreated into fast-talking black cops and voluptuous future-ladies, but everyone knew it was only a rebound. Big boobs and black sass were always destined to be a side-piece, never a special lady. By 2007, his wounds had healed and he was ready to love again. But they eventually brought him back to health, like the sparrow fallen from its mother’s nest, and he learned to fly again. And ever since, it’s been a rising tide of explosions and box office grosses the likes of which have never been seen. Where can he go from here? How long can it last? Can explosions and box office grosses continue to climb exponentially? One thing is for certain. Some day he’ll flame out, like the white-hot corona of a massive supernova. And when he does, it will be glorious.

[Check out the full graphic over at Frankenspace]

I don’t know what to make of this Variety article, because it says “nothing is set in stone,” and some of the facty statements are prefaced by awesomely unattributable phrases like “it’s said,” but it seems to suggest that Paramount might shoot Transformers 4 and 5 back-to-back. No matter who said it, the fact that anyone might want to do that seems newsworthy in itself. Try to figure this out with me.

Hasbro chief Brian Goldner said during a Monday third-quarter earnings call that the toymaker is in “active discussions” with Paramount, Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg on how to move forward. Sources close to the planning process tell Variety two films could be headed into production.

Yes, an exec at a toy company is active in pre-production discussions for a film. Sad as that is, it’s even sadder that none of us are surprised.

Paramount is considering lensing its fourth and fifth films without pause. Nothing is set in stone, but screenwriter Ehren Kruger is said to have an idea for the next installments that the studio is high on, and has only begun engaging with writers.

And he wrote the second and third ones, so I’m sure this will be just as great.

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The gossip sites have been going bonkers today over the news that our favorite slow motion, up-shot shirtless hero director Michael Bay has a new lady in his life. According to Splash News and The Daily Mail, Bay spent the day with reality TV starlet and model Lauren Stoner at the beaches of Miami. Stoner was captured by various photogs as she splashed in the water while her explosion-loving beau looked on.

In fact, I asked Bay what his heart felt like when he first met Stoner and he simply replied, “*explosion sound*.”

But as we know from Bay’s past dealings with the ladies, it’s not easy navigating the path to the heart of a man who gave us giant alien robot balls. In this case, though, we know that Bay was the one who opened up, and we have the dialogue to prove it.

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