Disney just released the third trailer for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland and though Johnny Depp still looks like Madonna with too much makeup, this one actually delivers a ton of new footage.  It also has more plot.  “Since you’ve been gone,” Johnny Depp says, “the Red Queen has taken over all of Wonderland.  Help us make the world right again.”

Whoa whoa whoa, evil took over the world and only Alice can help?  What the hell is this, Lord of the Rings?  Narnia?  But then Helena Carter demanded a live pig on which to rest her aching feet and all was right again.  (trailer and gallery after the jump)

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After releasing a couple separate posters last week, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland marketing team has now combined them all into one glorious triptych — click the picture above a couple times and it’ll get bigger, like your sister’s clit (too far?).  It opens March 5th, and as far as Tim Burton joints go, I’m hoping it’ll be more Sleepy Hollow than Planet of the Apes.  My favorite part of the poster is the rabbit in the suit holding up the clock.  It’s like the Disney version of a Public Enemy record, and I like that.  All rap should be more like this.  Bunnies are less threatening.

[via /Film]

When I posted the first poster for Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton’s adaptation of Lewis Carroll’s book about how awesome it is to give drugs to young girls, I wondered aloud why the lead and Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter weren’t in it.  Guess they were just saving them for this one.  Here’s Mia Wasikowska in trademark Burton pale tiptoeing through a magical garden or magic mushrooms and old people flowers.  Cor bloimey, guv, moy rabbit ‘as got pink eye, ‘e does!  Bot dat’s wot ‘e gets for sniffin’ me knickas, Oy s’pose.

[via Wired]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Which classic children’s book has become the best film?

(“ALICE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WAY YOUNGER.”)

Off-kilter font, super pale chicks with cleavage, Johnny Depp in makeup… yep, looks like a Tim Burton movie.  This is the newest trailer for Alice in Wonderland (Mia Wasikowska as Alice, Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, plus Anne Hathaway, Crispin Glover, Helena Bonham Carter, and that fat weirdo from Little Britain), just released by Spike TV.  It’s more or less the same as the last one, but with a little more footage.  It looks to be a faithful adaptation of Lewis Carroll’s tale about how doing drugs is awesome, originally composed for a 9-year-old girl. It sold far better than Carrol’s next two books, This Will be Our Little Secret and No One Likes a Tattletale.

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If you’ve ever seen Elephant or Last Days, you know that despite also making some good movies, Gus Van Sant has been known to partake in the smell of his own farts.  His latest project is called Restless, and according to THR, Mia Wasikowska (Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland) is set to play the lead.   And according to MovieLine, who’ve read the script, it sounds, like, really deep. (*brushes bangs out of face*)

Protagonist Enoch Brae is a 17-year-old funeral crasher, drawn to attending strangers’ memorials after losing both his parents. At one of them, he meets the beautiful, tomboyish Annabel Cotton, a 16-year-old with Six Months to Live. Love then blooms among the gravestones as “the moon looks on knowingly and sympathetically.”

The only thing I can think of when I read “as the moon looks on knowingly and sympathetically” is standing next to the young lovers with my pants down doing the ass-talk thing.  “Don’t worry, Annabel, I ffffeel your pppppppppaaain.”  Here’s an ever-so-brief script excerpt:

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