Obviously, there isn’t much to add to this story.  Huh, Mia Wasikowska’s neck looks shorter in that picture. (I kid, I kid, she’s cuter than a basket of snuggle puppies)

Fassbender’s “Jane Eyre” co-star Mia Wasikowska spoke to Movie Line about Fassbender’s maddening effect on their equine co-stars, saying his good looks helped make it nearly impossible to film.

“There was a horse on the third day of filming [when] we were shooting the scene where Jane and Rochester meet, and every time Michael hopped on the horse it got a huge erection,” Wasikowskia remembered. “And he’d get off and they’d run the poor thing around the block to try to make it go away, and he’d hop on it again and it would happen all over again, and they’d have to get him off and run it around.” [HuffPo]

Michael F. Assbender, The face that launched a thousand horse boners.  It’s magical, his ability to arouse horses.  I’d call him “The Horse Boner Fairy,” but I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen that movie.  It was good.  I think they used the same set as The King’s Speech. (…The Boner Whisperer?)

(*house band playing “Gimme Some Lovin”, enters stage left, waves to crowd*)  “So apparently Michael Fassbender gives horses boners!  Have you guys seen this?  Have you heard about this?  Yeah, every time he’d get on it, the horse would get a big boner and they’d have to spray it with cold water.  (*cut to Danger Guerrero at the keyboards, shaking his head*)  It’s true! I’m serious, I’m not making this up.  Apparently they tried to cast Sarah Jessica Parker, but no one wanted to ride her!  (*pantomimes golf swing, Danger Guerrero plays keyboard run, crowd woofs*) …But then once they had a horse boner attached, John Travolta came on as exec producer.” (*rimshot, bluesy guitar lick*)

Focus Features has released the trailer for Jane Eyre, from Sin Nombre director Cary Fukunaga and Tamara Drewe writer Moira Buffini.  The adaptation of the 1847 Charlotte Bronte tale stars Mia Wasikowska (whasikowska?), Michael F. Assbender, Judy Dench, and Imogen Poots (who is herself named for a Victorian serial about a repressed duchess who dreams of one day having a fart).

Jane Eyre flees Thornfield House, where she works as a governess for wealthy Edward Rochester. The isolated and imposing residence – and Mr. Rochester’s coldness – have sorely tested the young woman’s resilience, forged years earlier when she was orphaned. As Jane reflects upon her past and recovers her natural curiosity, she will return to Mr. Rochester – and the terrible secret that he is hiding…

Anyway, it looks about as exciting as a Jane Eyre movie could look without adding zombies or predators.  It does have ghosts.  Was that in the original?  I tend to treat books of Victorian-era British literature like they have pictures of my parents 69ing on the inside.

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Apparently working alphabetically through Urban Dictionary sex acts, Joaquin Phoenix is following up his Cleveland-steamer performance art documentary (more like performance FART *toilet flush* slow and go out there, look out for brake lights)… with a comedy in which he plays a “a footware designer with an intense foot and shoe fetish.”  Wait, Cleveland Steamer, C…. Shoe Fetish… S… HEY! Did they skip over glass-bottom boat again?  Ugh, this always happens.

Phoenix has been getting offers for movie roles and is currently attached to a project called titled Big Shoe in which he will play a footware designer that has an intense foot and shoe fetish. The script has been described as being “out there but cool” and blends the line between comedy and drama. Steven Shainberg, best known for the 2002 Maggie Gyllenhaal film Secretary, will direct. [CinemaBlend]

A meta-fetish foot-sex dramedy? I mean, that could be cool, as long as they’re treating it ironically. (*strums ukulele, throws away Keffiyah scarf for being too corporate*)  Anyway, Vulture today adds that Mia Wasikowska from Alice in Wonderland has also joined the cast.  I guess I’m not weird enough to understand the it’s-sexy-because-she-wants-to-be-his-slave angle to Secretary, but everyone with even a passing interest in S & M and bondage seems think it’s super sexy (don’t ask me how I know, dude, I’ve worked some weird places). Maggie Gyllenhaal showed her boobs a lot, so there’s that.  Hard to say if we should expect similar with Wasikowska, but I’ll be happy only when all the foot-fetish guys are rounded up and sent to camps.  Seriously, those weirdos are creepier than the human centipede guy.   Even tentacle rape makes a sick sort of sense.  But feet?  What the hell is wrong with you, man.

UPDATE: I moved the video after the jump because it kept autoplaying.

Much as I like Johnny Depp’s tranny Madonna makeup, I still can’t tell if Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is going to be good or a flaming pile.  It just seems like most of the fun of Alice in Wonderland is based on wordplay.  In any case, it opens March 5th and they just released this clip.  Alice, played by Mia Wasikowska, takes a bite of cake and instantly grows big and scary, which should teach the young ladies out there a valuable lesson.  Cakes are for baking, not for eating.  Also, as long as we’re having animals talk and wear people clothes, it seems like they could find a part for Lobster Dog.

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I couldn’t fit the whole thing in here (the above version is cropped), but JoBlo has a new panorama banner that shows most of the characters from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.  I still think this whole thing’s better if you imagine this tea party as a trailer full of speed freaks.  The rabbit on Johnny Depp’s right, he’s the grizzled veteran of the meth game, paranoid and disheveled, indulging in the drugs out of necessity, no longer able to take pleasure in them.  Then there’s the Cheshire Cat on the right.  It’s his first time, so he’s feeling euphoric, smiling ear to ear and still has all his teeth.   The other rabbit is the fiend, the one who does one line and then every five minutes for the next few days keeps saying, “Time for another line!  Time for another line!”

They should do an Alice in Wonderland reimagining of Salton Sea.  “I don’t mean to impose, but I am the ocean.”