“We should keep the part with the El Camino for sure.”

I won’t pretend like GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was the best movie that we’ve ever seen. I won’t even pretend like it was a good movie. But it was what it was – a movie about a cartoon about toys. So when you’re working with that goofy of a concept, you don’t necessarily expect the film’s writers to submit a screenplay for a modern day Citizen Kane, but David Elliot and Paul Lovett still did their jobs, along with co-writer Stuart Beattie, and $300 million later, Rise of Cobra was sort of a success*.

And in this day and age, a “sort of” success is typically good enough for a sequel, so naturally GI Joe: Retaliation was a go. But instead of Marlon Wayans and Dennis Quaid, Retaliation teamed The Rock and Bruce Willis with Channing Tatum (for a few minutes) and instead of Elliot, Lovett and Beattie, writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick were recruited. The result is $355 million and counting at the global box office.

Oh, and a huge lawsuit from Elliot and Lovett, who are accusing Paramount, MGM, Hasbro and Lorenzo Di Bonaventura of stealing their ideas.

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A few months ago, we found out that Brett Ratner would be wheezing Cheeto crumbs and leaving nacho cheese fingerprints all over the script for Hercules, with the lead role to be played by The Rock, in a “graphic-novel-based” film produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER” Berg. Now, Renny Harlin, who directed Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island, Die Hard 2, and a John Cena movie, and who was basically Michael Bay before Michael Bay was Michael Bay, has signed on for a competing project called “Hercules 3D,” which is totally gonna be supes different from that other Hercules movie, you guys. I mean, for one thing, I hear the 3D goes up to 11.

“It’s not a comic book, cartoony fantasy thing,” Harlin tells The Hollywood Reporter. “It’s closer to Gladiator than flying horses.”
On the subject of the competing Hercules project, Harlin says, “I think these are very different kinds of movies in their approach to this legendary character. Obviously, Hercules has been portrayed in many different films, such as the Disney animated movie. I wish them luck. Ancient Greek mythology is an endless source of good stories … Let’s see both movies be successful.”
Millennium has begun pre-production on the $70-million-budgeted film and expects to cast its eight leading roles in the next few weeks. The company is eyeing a May production start on its lot in Sofia, Bulgaria, and hopes to have the movie ready for a March 2014 release.
The aggressive schedule is squarely aimed to beat Paramount and MGM’s rival Hercules project, which is being directed by Brett Ratner and is to star Dwayne Johnson. That movie is set for an Aug. 8, 2014, release.

Renny Harlin’s movies are awesomely sh*tty, and Hercules is every dumb studio exec’s brilliant plan to capitalize on The 300 (at one point there were three separate Hercules movies in development, I’m not sure how many there are now). This seems like a match made in dumb movie heaven. There aren’t many people besides Renny Harlin who could ever dream of out-dumbing a Brett Ratner movie starring a pro wrestler. Paul WS Anderson, maybe. Anyway, this is great news for Jason Momoa. Stay near the phone, dude.

By now you should all be familiar with The Asylum, a company that makes direct-to-DVD mockbusters like The Day the Earth Stopped and Snakes on a Train, starring people like Billy Zane and Richard Grieco, timed to coincide with their blockbuster counterparts. Their business model was working just fine until the distributors The Hobbit (perhaps you’ve heard of it), decided to sue Asylum over its entirely separate movie, Age of the Hobbits. Even worse, Warner Bros just won a temporary restraining order against it. Aw, c’mon, baby, can’t you see Age of Hobbits only acts this way because he loves you?

Warner Bros, New Line Cinema, MGM and producer Saul Zaentz today were granted the temporary restraining order they sought against Global Asylum’s mockbuster Age Of The Hobbits (read the order here). “There is substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused by Age Of Hobbits and mistakenly purchase the film intending to purchase The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey“, said federal judge Philip Gutierrez today. “Indeed, Plaintiffs have presented evidence that Asylum’s other films have caused confusion among consumers, who mistakenly purchase Asylum films intending to purchase a different film”.

Here is Warner Bros’ statement:
“This victory underscores the importance of protecting the unique work of our industry’s creative community from companies like Asylum, whose cynical business model is designed to profit from the work of others.  Their intent to create confusion in the marketplace on the eve of release of ‘The Hobbit,’ one of the most anticipated films of the year, has met with defeat.”

Oh yeah, because The Hobbit‘s bottom line is really going to suffer at the hands of all the confused aunties trolling Blockbuster going-out-of-business sales for their sick nephews. It’s too bad “OBJECTION! The prosecution is being a total dick right now,” isn’t a valid legal defense.

Hopefully the restraining order is the last victory for these corporate jerks, because The Asylum’s defense seems perfectly valid:

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Animal wranglers are accusing Peter Jackson and Warner Bros of negligence that caused the deaths of 27 animals during the filming of The Hobbit. The wranglers say the animals used in the film were being kept at some dangerous, Saw-esque torture farm that they actually called “a deathtrap” in the AP report. Jackson, meanwhile, says many of the deaths in question were from “natural causes.” And if boredom is considered a natural cause, being on the set of The Hobbit in New Zealand for a year definitely seems like something that would do it. Yadda yadda yadda, PETA will be protesting all the premieres.

The Associated Press spoke to four wranglers who said the farm near Wellington was unsuitable for horses because it was peppered with bluffs, sinkholes, broken-down fencing and other “death traps.”. They said they repeatedly raised concerns about the farm with their superiors and the production company, owned by Warner Bros., but it continued to be used. They say they want their story aired publicly now to prevent similar deaths in the future.

The American Humane Association, which is overseeing animal welfare on the films, says no animals were harmed during the actual filming. But it also says the wranglers’ complaints highlight shortcomings in its oversight system, which monitors film sets but not the facilities where the animals are housed and trained.

One wrangler said that over time he buried three horses, as well as about six goats, six sheep and a dozen chickens.

Because he’s crazy! He tried to bury an entire team of live oxen until we tied him to a tree, where he shouted “but the gnomes need them to plow!” until he passed out.

The wranglers say two more horses suffered severe injuries but survived.

Wrangler Chris Langridge said he was hired as a horse trainer in November 2010, overseeing 50 or so horses, but immediately became concerned that the farm was full of “death traps.” He said he tried to fill in some of the sinkholes, made by underground streams, and even brought in his own fences to keep the horses away from the most dangerous areas. Ultimately, he said, it was an impossible task.

My take away from this is that a hole in the ground can be considered a “death trap” for horses, who are incapable of watching where they’re walking. “What, you can’t just put a cliff at the end of the farm and expect the horse not to run off it, it’s a horse! They’re nothing but majesty and sawdust brains, like Maxim models! ”

He said horses run at speeds of up to 30 mph and need to be housed on flat land: “It’s just a no-brainer.”
The first horse to die, he said, was a miniature named Rainbow.

I know that’s very sad, but a mini-horse named Rainbow is hilarious. FACT. I hope the guy kept a wallet-sized picture of Rainbow frolicking in the snow, and whenever he had second thoughts about risking his job security to blow the whistle on these violations, he took out the picture, balled his hand into a fist and whispered, “This one’s for you, Rainbow.”

Swear to God, I found this picture five years ago and named it “Magical Rainbow Pony.”

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Dwayne the Rock Johnson is one of the most likable and charismatic media personalities around and Brett Ratner is Hollywood’s most successful ass-kissing social climber, so it was probably inevitable that they’d one day cross paths (artist’s conception above). Turns out Ratner will be stalking craft services’ shrimp cocktail platter on Hercules, a graphic-novel-based The Rock vehicle being produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER!” Berg.

The Brett Ratner-directed Hercules action film will be co-produced by Paramount and MGM, the companies announced today. Johnson and Ratner’s names have been attached to the project since early spring. The screenplay was adapted by Ryan Condal from Radical Studios’ graphic novel Hercules: The Thracian Wars. [Deadline]

Expected to start shooting in 2013, the project is based on a comic called Hercules: The Thracian Wars, which is described thusly:

Nearly 3,200 years ago, a tormented soul walked the Earth as neither man nor god: Hercules, powerful son of the god-king Zeus, and for this he received nothing but suffering. After 12 arduous labors and the loss of his family, this dark, world-weary soul turned his back on the gods, finding solace only in bloody battle. Over the years, he warmed to the company of six similar souls, bonded by their love of fighting and the presence of death never questioning where they go or who they fight, just how much they will be paid. Now the King of Thrace has hired these mercenaries to turn his men into the greatest army of all time, which means training them to be as bloodthirsty and ruthless as their own reputation. It is time for this band of lost souls to finally have their eyes opened to how far they have fallen and the narrow, perilous path to their own redemption. [Screenrant]

So, Conan meets Clash of the Titans, basically? Also, the mercenaries redeem themselves by training other mercenaries to become bloodthirsty and ruthless? That’s… interesting. That synopsis read like six Tapout commercials simultaneously trying to rear naked choke each other. Look, here’s what to expect: A greased-up, shirtless Rock bonks dudes on the head while Ratner throws shrimp at him, and it makes $80 million.