Brian DePalma’s 1982 version of Scarface was a remake of the 1932 Howard Hawks film, updating the original Italian gangster based on Al Capone to a Cuban drug lord in Miami, to properly reflect the specific ethnic menaces of their respective times. Now Donnie Brasco writer Paul Attanasio is doing another remake for Universal (rewriting an earlier draft by David Ayer), and while the original report said the plot was under wraps, Latino Review quotes a source close to the project saying the new Tony Montana will be Mexican. (*throws out black beans, buys pinto beans*)

[quoting the original Deadline scoop] “Scarface was first done in 1932 and then turned into the iconic 1983 film that starred Al Pacino as Cuban gangster Tony Montana. The film is not intended to be a remake or a sequel. It will take the common elements of the first two films: An outsider, an immigrant, barges his way into the criminal establishment in pursuit of a twisted version of the American dream, becoming a kingpin through a campaign of ruthlessness and violent ambition. The studio is keeping the specifics of where the new Tony character comes from under wraps at the moment, but ethnicity and geography were important in the first two versions.”

Keeping the specifics of where the new Tony character comes from under wraps at the moment?  Why so secretive?  What is the big deal?

Well, according to sources, we have discovered that the new Tony Montana is actually Mexican and the remake takes place in the world of drug cartels. [LatinoReview]

I’m not convinced the most overrated movie of our times really needs a remake, but if they are going to do it, I’d like to see an extremely outdated and borderline racist caricature of a Mexican out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, where Tony’s big drug dealer chair is now a saguaro cactus, and his big pile of cocaine is an empty tequila bottle, and when the FBI shows up to beat down his door, he just sings a sad ranchero song and falls asleep.

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Unless you spend even more time on the internet and you’re more aware of Mexican fashion trends than I am (note: DOUBTFUL), you probably haven’t heard of the Mexican pointy cowboy boots trend.  But rest assured that it is a real fashion trend, and those guys in the above picture aren’t attempting to achieve some ironic meme fame.  Their confident demeanor is an earnest expression of the knowledge that in their culture, they look really f*cking cool.  But what the I don’t even… Luckily Vice has put together a short documentary (nine minutes) you can watch at lunch or on a break or while you’re supposed to be working today, which will explain everything you ever wanted to know about Mexicans wearing pointy cowboy boots.  Okay, maybe not everything, but the most concise explanation seems to be this:

“Tribal music brought the pointy boots. In the beginning, people were wearing regular boots.  Then people started making them pointier and pointier, until it got out of control.”

Remember that old Chappelle show sketch about how the crips/bloods gang war started because someone stepped on someone else’s sneaker? Maybe these boots are the reason Mexico is such a powder keg.
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Meet Milijenko Parserisas Bukovic (that’s so weird, MY middle name is Parserisas!). The 56-year-old newspaper vendor from Mexico has 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts, and sources say he may eventually win the prison Oscar for “Most Hardcore.”  Do you think he has one above his armpit that makes it look like she has a huge 70s bush?  God that would be awesome.

He has so far spent a million Mexican pesos (just over £51,000) [$82,000] for the 82 tattoos. The newspaper vendor’s obsession with tattoos of Roberts started after he watched her in Erin Brockovich.

Time out.  You’re paying $1,000 PER Julia Roberts tattoo… in MEXICO? My God, I haven’t heard of someone getting hosed this bad since the people who bought a ticket to Eat, Pray, Love.

The American actress is tattooed all over Mr Parserisas’ body in artwork inspired by a number of scenes from the film. The Roberts fanatic has said that he has plans to get more faces inked on his chest, back and arms.
As long as he has the space on his body and the money, his tattoo tribute will continue. [MetroUK]

Oh, I wouldn’t say he’s a fanatic, just an enthusiast, really.  You think he knows she was wearing a water bra in that movie and that her boobs aren’t really that big?  I mean, I’m not trying to say breast size should be an accurate barometer for obsession… okay, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  I have a tattoo of Julianne Moore on my left testicle.  It hurt a lot, but it’s worth it because I know it will age along with her.

(Oh sure, and the fast mouse is the racist.)

Noted Mexican George Lopez is set to voice Speedy Gonzalez in an upcoming movie for New Line. The company was careful to note that this won’t be the “racist”, Looney Tunes version of Speedy that you’re used to, in which Mexicans are unfairly depicted as lightning-fast cartoon rodents.  From Reuters:

The character has often courted criticism that the ethnic characterizations of him and his compatriots (especially lazy cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez) are stereotypically racist and severely outdated.
Aware of this, New Line and the producers plan to update the brand with a modernized sensibility.
“We wanted to make sure that it was not the Speedy of the 1950s — the racist Speedy,” said the comedian’s wife Ann Lopez, who will serve alongside him as a producer. “Speedy’s going to be a misunderstood boy who comes from a family that works in a very meticulous setting, and he’s a little too fast for what they do. He makes a mess of that. So he has to go out in the world to find what he’s good at.”

Mira, Speedy, ju need to eslow down.  Ju selleen los oranges muy, muy queeckly.  Ju makeen jour cousens look bad.  Ay yay yay, we’re so esleepy.

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In this deleted scene from the Bruno movie, recently leaked to promote the DVD release on November 17th,  baseball great Pete Rose is subjected to the same here-sit-on-my-Mexican stunt that Bruno used on Paula Abdul.  To his credit, Rose doesn’t squirm or complain, he just settles in and starts talkin’ baseball.  At one point the crew tries to rattle Rose when his chair starts acting uncomfortable.  But Rose is unflappable.

“He don’t seem to understand that this is very uncomfortable for this guy.  So get another guy here, because this guy’s uncomfortable.”

And then they swap Mexicans.  See?  The first step toward a post racial society is to treat every minority as an individual.  Just because one Mexican isn’t good at being a chair, that’s no reason to assume that a different Mexican wouldn’t be better.  Well done, Pete Rose, it seems this is not your first time sitting on a Mexican.  Ahh, good times.  It’s like my junior high experience in reverse.

[via /Film]