Okay, everyone, we’re gonna push pause on movie news for one second while I report THE MOST METAL STORY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Turns out a guy in Bakersfield got high on PCP and… wait for it… ATE HIS SON’S EYEBALLS.  And then he tried to chop his own legs off with an axe.

After attacking the child, 34-year-old Angel Vidal Mendoza Sr. quickly left his apartment in a wheelchair, entered a backyard of a nearby vacant home and attacked his own legs with an ax, severely injuring himself, Bakersfield police reported.

The child, 4-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr., later told police, “My daddy ate my eyes.”
[Bakersfield.com via BoingBoing]

Sorry for the unrelated photo, but that was probably the worst story I’ve ever heard.   I guess I just needed this picture of a dog wearing a Hello Kitty hat to remind me that there’s still goodness in the world.

AWESOMELY METAL STORY ALERT. Woman stabs rampaging chimp with butcher knife. I want that tattooed on my cock. (We may have to abbreviate).

A pet chimpanzee has been shot dead by a police officer after mauling a woman visiting its owner. The 200lb ape, who had appeared on TV commercials, attacked the woman as she got out of her car.
The woman suffered “serious blood loss” from facial injuries and was in a “very serious” condition in hospital.
The animal had been trained to ride in the family’s vehicles, had appeared on commercials for Coca-Cola and Old Navy and had also appeared in a television pilot.
“He’s been raised almost like a child by this family. He rides in a car every day, he opens doors… We have no indication of what provoked this behaviour at all,” Stamford Police captain Richard Conklin said.
Owner Sandra Herold had wrestled with Travis in an effort to stop the attack on her friend, then ran inside to make an emergency call.
“She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked,” Conklin said. [Editor’s note: HOLY SHIT!]
Paramedics then arrived to treat the woman, with police officers protecting them, but the chimp then started attacking them, AP reported. One officer was cornered in his vehicle and shot Travis in self-defence. [via BBC - thanks to Eric for the tip]

Jesus, that’s horrible. But look, people, you can’t raise a chimp like a child actor and then expect him not to act like a child actor.  I mean, look at Danny Masterson.

Brace yourselves, this may be the most metal story in history.

A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.
Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant’s death.
While in the Grayson County Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
Last month, a death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.
“”Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it,” agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.
“He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1,” said Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas’ trial attorney. “He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one.“

To recap, first he pulled out the hearts of his wife and son.  Then he pulled out one of his eyes and ate it.  Ruled sane, he was convicted and thrown in prison.  Then he pulled out his other eye and ate that.  Hooray for Texas.

At his trial, defense lawyers also argued he suffered from alcohol and drug abuse.

FAIL.

The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee.
Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.
Court documents described the three victims as having “large, gaping wounds to their chests.” [Yahoo]

That last line is my favorite.  As if there were any alternative.  “Police say Andre Thomas pulled out the intestines of his still-breathing mother and then ate them while pouring acid into her chest cavity on Thursday.  ‘At least she didn’t suffer,’ said a spokesperson.”

[Thanks to BDarbs for the tip and pic, who adds, "Holy shit they need to turn this into a Jason Statham movie."]