[don't worry, this is the death metal version, and it rules]

I’m not going to lie to you folks, although entertainment news is generally trivial and boring as a rule, there were some worthy stories in the last couple days that I couldn’t fully insert myself into (UNNNNGGGH). I’m not done for the day, but here’s a rundown to bring us up to speed.

Rebecca Black is a millionaire (or not).  People were up in arms this morning after a writer at Forbes estimated that Rebecca Black had made more than $1 million for her “Friday” video. Turns out it’s more like $24,900, which is still a pretty awesome Bat Mitsvah present.  People get pissed about this stuff, but I don’t really see why. Intentionally or not, she made a video that brought me a lot of joy, and that’s more than I can say for the majority of people who more money than me.  And all irony, or whatever you want to call it aside, if you don’t honestly think “Friday” (which cost $2,000) is better than Kim Kardashian’s first single (which probably cost 50 times that and was created by a famous hip-hop producer), you should cut off your ears and stuff them in your ass.

Albert Brooks to play Paul Rudd’s father in Apatow flick.  I love everything about that sentence.  Albert Brooks is rightly revered as a comedy god, and having him play Paul Rudd’s father gives hope to poor, be-Jewfro’d souls such as myself that our children might escape our terrible affliction. Also, how did Albert Brooks (whose real name is Albert Einstein, incidentally) get a normal voice? His brother Super Dave sounds like he got throat-raped by an acid-dicked dragon. [Deadline]

José Padilha confirms Robocop rumors. YAAAAAY… for the Robocop remake. BOOOOO… for us missing whatever awesome Brazilian thing he was planning to make before this came along. Still no word on when Elite Squad 2, which just played in Miami and Berlin, will get a US theatrical release. Though it’s already on Blu-ray if you speak Portuguese.  I guess we’ll just have to wait patiently while it makes its way here, like we did with the hairless vagina. [DigitalSpy]

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Dammit, Paul Hogan, this constant one-upping has to stop.

Yep, this should be a movie.  That’s the tenuous link to movies I’m using.  Deal with it.  God help you if you complain about me reporting the story of A CROCODILE THAT KILLED 19 PEOPLE ON A PLANE.  It’s quite possibly the most metal thing ever to have happened. It didn’t happen in Florida, so that pretty much leaves Africa.

A STOWAWAY crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew.
The croc had been hidden in a passenger’s sports bag – allegedly with plans to sell it – but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic.
A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo.
The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house.
A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators.

A crocodile in a sports bag.  Yep, that’s pretty much how I imagine Africa.  BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!

Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage. [news.com.au -thanks to "EnglishPrick" for the tip]

To add further irony, my sources say the rescuer just happened to be carrying the machete in a sports bag, as he planned to sell it later that day.  Man, I hope African Alanis Morissette writes a song about this.  “It’s like AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS, on your wedd-ing daaaay….”

“He packed his suuuuuuuitcase, with a crocodie yayile…”

I know this post isn’t about movies, but this is the most metal thing I’ve seen in a while. The NY Post headline?  “H-OLÉ”.  Oh NY Post, don’t ever change.

[He lived.  Full story here]

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Legion, which won the coveted Trailer of the Year award right here on FilmDrunk, just released a new clip on Yahoo.  It features Kevin Durand as the angel Gabriel wielding a mace against Paul Bettany as Michael, who’s given up his wings in favor of a machine gun.  It’s okay, I guess.  It’s no old-lady-crawling-on-the-ceiling-like-a-crab, that’s for sure.  And I still haven’t come up with any reasons I should like Kevin Durand.

Also: isn’t a fight between two angels sort of anti-climactic?  What happens to the loser, he has to go down and party with AC/DC?  Be the muse for Old Dogs 2?  Doesn’t seem so bad.

Hope you’ll forgive the non-movie-related diversion on a Saturday, but I just walked by this at the newstand and had to post it.  The NY Post loves their aggressive headlines, but I think “WELCOME TO HELL, FIENDS!!” is a new high-water mark.  Sadly, using the postcard theme meant they had to cut the last part of the headline, which was “MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

The NY Post is so metal.