Universal has released the first pictures and teaser (which consists of a series of still pictures – watch it below) for American Reunion. Which, for the record, is a semi-reboot/sequel which picks up the storyline of the third movie and ignores the last four direct-to-DVD sequels (here’s a handy chart). As you can see, the gang’s all back together: Sh*tbrick, Pie F*cker, Flute Pussy, Jizz Drinker, Beardy, Whatsherface… pretty much everyone except Natasha Lyonne. But TooFab does report that both she and Shannon Elizabeth are confirmed for the sequel. So I have to assume she’s either passed out behind a dumpster like a raccoon, or threatening to have sex with someone’s dog again.

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Alyson Hannigan: Communist

We’ve known for a while now that as part of Obama’s public works package to keep Tara Reid and Natasha Lyonne out of gutters, that Universal was “rebooting” the American Pie franchise (sort of — they’re ignoring the direct-to-DVD sequels).  The new film, American Reunion, now has some (potentially spoilery I guess) plot details:

The whole gang are returning to East Great Falls for their ten-year Highschool reunion (made possible thanks to Facebook). They’ll come near and far to remember the good times – only to be faced with the frightening realization that they’re no longer young teenagers.

Because God knows high school reunions never existed before Facebook.  Our parents had it so good.

Oz [Chris Klein] has hit the big time as a contestant on a Dancing with the Stars-type show. He also lives in a pricey Malibu mansion. He returns home a big-shot.

A big shot, eh?  Would you go so far as to say that this guy. Walks. Through. The rain drops.?

Stifler isn’t doing well – he’s working as a temp for a rude boss that refers to him as ‘his bitch’. He’s also not having a lot of luck with the ladies. Still, he’s excited to get back home and do some partying.

Jim’s next-door neighbor Kara, now all grown-up (!), develops a crush on the married man. Can Jim resist her? Can he keep his marriage to Michelle in one piece?

Jim is of course pie f*cker Jason Biggs, while Michelle is flute-pussy Allison Hannigan.  I have no idea who Kara is.

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So Mena Suvari is in a movie called Stuck, based on the true story of a woman who hit a homeless man with her car, then left the man, still wedged in her windshield to die and later disposed of the body.  Naturally it’s a comedy. (red-band trailer after the jump)

Mena Suvari stars as Brandi, a cornrowed retirement-home caregiver who washes asses for a living and has a cheating boyfriend to contend with at home. She suddenly finds herself on top of the world when she is offered a promotion at work, which means she will no longer have to clean up feces for rent and food money. After a hard night of celebrating this new turn in her life, Brandi hits a homeless man and he becomes wedged in the windshield of her car. Afraid to go to the authorities, the girl’s life comes crashing down around her.

Wait, did you say cornrows? 

Mena Suvari: The cornrows? That was about establishing Brandi as this girl from a particular society and neighborhood. The real story took place in Fort Worth, Texas. We felt that maybe our story was taking place in Rhode Island. Maybe Providence. So the hair was about establishing her in this particular world.

Seems like the setting would be something you’d know for sure, but… I totally get Rhode Island – after all, that’s the White-people-in-cornrows State.

Suvari: My intent was to make Brandi look realistic [... -Ed.]. She needed to be involved in this particular world. She’s not a model. She’s not an actress or a beauty queen. That was her life. So if she is living in this particular world, and she has this particular boyfriend, and these are her surroundings, then yeah, she would absolutely incorporate a hairstyle like this. Despite the fact that certain people in society wouldn’t find it that attractive.  [Source]

Waaait, a second, the story this is based on, it didn’t happen to be a black girl, did it?  I think I understand now.  Casting the whitest girl on the planet aside from those guys from Nelson and giving her cornrows makes much more sense than casting a black girl.  I mean, that would just be retarded.  In other news, I hear Tyler Perry’s next movie is about a white chick, played by Angela Bassett in a Blink 182 hoodie.   

Pictured at left is Mena Suvari in a simpler time, before a series of awful hairstyles and tattoos made her go insane.

The red band trailer for Stuck is below the jump.  Based on a true story, Stuck stars Mena Suvari in cornrow braids (hale to the naw!) as a nurse who runs over a homeless bum played by actual homeless bum Stephen Rea.  He’s stuck in her car’s windshield, and she decides it would be easier to leave him to die in her garage.

To tell you the truth, I think he already died on the inside when he saw a white girl with cornrows.  – RoboPanda

[source: bloody-disgusting]