Bros! Dust off your dicks and go pick up Spinach from the emergency room in Chopstick’s mom’s Benz! Unstrap your 40 hands and cancel the charity slave auction, because the Hangover 3 has a trailer! You fags better sack up and watch it right now. We didn’t haze Baloney Pete to death last spring after Anchor Slosh for you to act like a bunch of pussies! I’m serious, bro, the actives are pissed.

This time around, there’s no weddings or bachelor parties, the Wolfbros are just back in Vegas to burn it to the ground, just like fat Steve when he got us disinvited to Tri-Delt’s Robin Hood party and fingerblasted that Persian skank dressed like Will Scarlett. Ken Jeong’s back again too, even though those dudes barely knew him and this seems like a crazy coincidence. And he’s acting all crazy and causing trouble again, like Gay Malaysian Steve when he fell through the skylight at Pike Tequila Formal. I told you bros we shoulda dinged that guy, but did anyone listen? No. Anyway, remember when Snotrocket’s cousin got us that mini potbelly pig and we named him Beefcake and those Pi Phi sluts painted his hoofs pink? This is just like that, except Ken Jeong has a pet turkey or some sh*t and Alan buys a giraffe. F*cking crazy, right?! It’s like where do they even sell giraffes. First a tiger, then a monkey, now a hawk and a giraffe. It’s like they’ve got the Entourage bros writing this or something. By the way, Potato’s cousin swears he got to second base with Adrien Grenier’s sister in middle school, but he’s also the biggest coke dealer in Tucson so take that with a grain of salt. Oh wait, IMDB says it’s written by Craig Mazin, that douche from the movie with the fattie. Whatever. Anyway, I’m stoked Heather Graham is back for this one. One time Skidmark caught me knocking one out to Roller Girl after Cinco De Chi-O and he tried to get pissed but I was like “flip-flop under the door, bro, do not disturb” and he couldn’t say sh*t. Anyway, this is gonna be so sick. We should mix up a batch of grandma’s and get butthoused before we go.

Identity Thief was a movie hardly anyone liked starring an actress critic Rex Reed referred to variously as “tractor sized” and “a hippo,” but just like the mighty hippo of the thundering Zambezi, Identity Thief grossed almost $37 million at the box office this weekend. Does that simile work? Whatever, I’ll check it later.

At 3,141 locations, Identity Thief earned an estimated $36.6 million this weekend. That’s one of the best openings ever for an original R-rated comedy, and it’s director Seth Gordon’s top start ahead of Four Christmases ($31.1 million) and Horrible Bosses ($28.3 million). It’s also way up from Melissa McCarthy’s Bridesmaids ($26.2 million); all three of the aforementioned titles wound up closing with at least $117 million, which suggests a $100 million finish is within reach for Identity Thief.
The Top 12 wound up earning an estimated $89.6 million this weekend, which is off a whopping 48 percent from last year when The Vow and Safe House both opened to over $40 million.
Universal is projecting that Winter Storm Nemo knocked around 10 percent off the weekend, which lines up with what competitive studios are estimating as well. This suggests that, without the storm, Identity Thief could have debuted north of $40 million.
Universal is reporting that the audience was 58 percent female (meaning McCarthy’s fans showed up alongside date-night audiences) and 57 percent were 30 years of age or older. The movie received a middling “B” CinemaScore, which isn’t surprising given the movie’s atrocious 24 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. [BoxOfficeMojo]

$37 million on a down weekend with terrible reviews and bad word of mouth is nothing short of incredible. If studios weren’t trying to stick Melissa McCarthy in everything before, they sure as hell will be now. At some point, she and Rebel Wilson may have to fight. I’m okay with that, but it’d be nice if she picked better projects than a buddy-cop movie with Sandra Bullock with jokes broader than a Mexican soap opera. I didn’t see Identity Thief, if only because it involved someone getting hit in the face with something in the trailer, which hasn’t boded well for comedy since The Three Stooges. No thanks. If I wanted to watch someone get hit in the face in a trailer, I’d hang out with your mom.

Read the rest of this entry »

Melissa with something that she’d like Rex Reed to sit on.

Rex Reed is a 74-year old film critic who once famously wrote the following sentence about South Korean people in his review for the film Old Boy:

“What else can you expect from a nation weaned on kimchi, a mixture of raw garlic and cabbage buried underground until it rots, dug up from the grave and then served in earthenware pots sold at the Seoul airport as souvenirs?”

He also started the rumor that Marisa Tomei only won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 1992 because Jack Palance was wasted when he presented the award. So basically, Reed is a cranky, cantankerous assh*le, and he wants to remind us of that with his new review of Identity Thief in the New York Observer.

Read the rest of this entry »

From Paul Feig, director of Bridesmaids, an Apatow movie with chicks instead of dudes that was somehow hailed as the first time women had ever been funny (not that I should have to cite examples here, but Baby Mama came three years earlier and was better), comes The Heat, starring Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. They each play over-the-top, cop-movie caricatures, with Bullock as the tight-ass Joe Friday (they even call her a “tight ass” in the voice over) and McCarthy as the brash, slovenly Jack Black. She’s neat! She’s a slob! Familiar jokes! Is this equality? Where women get to do all the lame hacky crap we’re already tired of guys doing? I’m all for fairness, but there are better ways.

Read the rest of this entry »

I miss Dennis Hopper.

Sandra Bullock is putting aside changin’ peoples’ lahves to return to comedy for The Heat, as she’ll display her girl-next-door charm that she previously showed off in laughers like Miss Congeniality and The Net. Co-starring Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) and directed by Paul Feig (also Bridesmaids), The Heat is about a no-nonsense FBI agent who teams up with a goofball Boston cop to bring down the Russian mob.

But in a twist of 18-year old irony that left bloggers scrambling for Speed quotes, a production truck was struck by an MBTA bus during filming at Roxbury District Court on Monday. Fortunately, America’s sweetheart was in another building, away from the damage. Oh, and Bullock was safe, too.

Deborah Simmrin, unit publicist for “The Heat,” said the stars of the cop-buddy flick, Bullock and “Bridesmaids” funnygal Melissa McCarthy, were in a building across the street when the crash occurred.

Simmrin said the driver of the truck suffered minor injuries but returned to work after the accident. She said the crew hadn’t checked to see if any equipment was damaged.

“We just continued working,” she said. (Via the Boston Herald)

Brave. That’s what I call that. In all, a reported 11 people had to be taken to the hospital for treatment, but nobody was seriously harmed. The Herald also points out that Bullock is no stranger to accidents while filming, as she and then-husband Jesse James were hit by a drunk driver while she was filming The Proposal. Bullock and James weren’t seriously harmed in that accident, which the actress probably referred to as a relief then but a shame now.

With that, I think it’s time to revisit what I just assume was the winner of the Best Original Song at the 1995 Academy Awards…

Read the rest of this entry »