Break out your slide whistle, wetbacks, it looks like Mel Gibson is up to his old tricks again. This according to Joe Eszterhas, of Showgirls/Basic Instinct fame, who had been hired by Gibson to write a film about Judah Maccabee, the hero of Chanukah, who according to legend, helped sate God’s endless appetite for little boy’s foreskins. Eszterhas (who has a bit of a reputation himself – an old school Hollywood blowhard of the James Toback variety) reportedly turned in a draft back in February and never heard back from Gibson. Eszterhas has since written a nine-page letter to Gibson (obtained by TheWrap) full of explosive allegations. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say it rhymes with “schmanti-schmemitism.”

Here’s a partial excerpt:

An executive there [at WB] said the script had “no feeling” and “no sense of triumph.” (I vehemently disagree). He said you would be calling me imminently, but you haven’t.

I spent nearly two years researching and writing my script and I am deeply disappointed that you haven’t had the decency to respond to it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you never had, or have, any intention of making a film about the Maccabees. I believe you announced the project with great fanfare — “a Jewish Braveheart” — in an attempt to deflect continuing charges of anti-semitism which have dogged you.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make The Maccabees is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews.

Let me remind you of some of the things you said which appalled me. You continually called Jews “Hebes” and “oven-dodgers” and “Jewboys.” It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked ‘He’s a Hebe, isn’t he?’ You said most ‘gatekeepers’ of American companies were ‘Hebes’ who ‘controlled their bosses.’

You said the Holocaust was “mostly a lot of horseshit.” You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, … you insisted “it’s in the Torah — it’s in there!” (It isn’t).

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"Hello. Are you one of the ethnicities I've offended?"

A while back, Mel Gibson filmed a movie in Mexico titled How I Spent My Summer Vacation where he ran around shooting people and cracking wise. You know, Mel Gibson stuff. Unfortunately for the film’s financial backers (and people of many races and religions across the world), before they had a chance to release the movie, Mel went and called the mother of his child on the phone and threatened her and used a ton of racially charged language. You know, Mel Gibson stuff.

Well the movie is still kicking around, now going straight to on-demand under the title Get the Gringo, and there is a new trailer for it. Basically the trailer is two and a half minutes of Mexicans kicking the sh-t out of Mel Gibson. I like to think some producer was sitting around going “What are we gonna do with this Mel Gibson movie where he fights a million Mexicans? Everybody knows he calls them ‘wetbacks’ now. It’ll be a PR disaster,” and then a light bulb popped above another producer’s head and he was like “What if we cut the trailer so it looks like the Mexicans are kicking the crap out of him?” Then they both laughed and did a bunch of cocaine and arranged the murder of some young starlet who was threatening to go to their wives with tales of their infidelity. I’ve seen it a million times.

My sincere hope is that this movie will be a giant hit and lead to a number of sequels where Mel Gibson gets the stuffing beat out of him by groups he’s offended. Get Whitey, Get the Misogynist Pig, Get the Gentile: Tokyo Drift, etc. As long as we don’t reinstate Prohibition, it’s a franchise that will never die.

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"I know you said to turn the other cheek, but in my defense, her tits looked REALLY stupid."

Burnsy filled in for me on Friday while I was busy volunteering at the legless cat shelter, and since he did such a good job on his guide to Happy Madison, I suppose I can forgive him for not mentioning that Mel Gibson is developing a movie about Judah Maccabee, the Jewish hero of Chanukah, to be written by Powder/Showgirls screenwriter Joe Eszterhas. Working title: “One of the Good Ones.”

This story reminded someone at The Atlantic of a book he was writing (as so often happens). It turns out, Jeffrey Goldberg heard about Gibson’s interest in turning the Maccabee story into a film a few years ago. He related the story to fellow Atlantic writer Christopher Hitchens, who told Goldberg, “You must go to Los Angeles and stop him.” Goldberg did as he was instructed, because Christopher Hitchens is like a cross between Yoda and William Wallace to Atlantic writers. Clearly, Goldberg was unsuccessful in his mission (probably because Mel Gibson can recognize Jews at a thousand paces and becomes immediately suspicious), but he did get Gibson to open up on a variety of topics, including Sugartits-gate.  Here’s what Gibson told Goldberg about that:

I asked him why it happened, and he answered me directly: “I was loaded, and some stupid sh*t can come out of your mouth when you’re loaded.”
But from what dark corner of his soul did this terrible accusation — that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world — emanate? He said, “That day they were marching into Lebanon. It was one of those things. It was on the news.”
The “they” in question is the Israel Defense Forces. I found this answer to be proof, of course, of Gibson’s anti-Semitic tendencies. Most drunk people, when stopped by the police, don’t launch into tirades against Jews.

Clearly you’ve never met my Uncle Steve.

Which brings us to Goldberg’s next question, why a film about Judah Maccabee?

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Reader Paul sent in this mash-up, which he calls “Broments in Love.” Watching it, all I could think was, “Jesus, Rocky III is the gayest movie of all time.”  That is Rocky III, right? I get them confused. Also pretty gay: the fact that there was one awesomely homoerotic movie moment that would’ve ruined my day had it not been included. See if you can guess which it is.

MORNING LINKS
Kate Upton, Erin Andrews, and the Best of the MLB Celebrity Softball Game |With Leather|

Fun with GIFS: Let’s Name These TV Reporters’ O-Faces. By new Uproxx writer, Dustin Rowles, Pajiba’s chief NERD. |UPROXX|

Listen to us talk Transformers 3 and play the UFC special skills game with Pauly. |Frotcast|

Kenny Powers is the new K-Swiss CEO. I’m assuming you’ve seen this video by now.  |Warming Glow|

Live Action Cardboard Robocop? Live Action Cardboard Robocop. |Gamma Squad|

Howard Stern’s 2011 Vacation Schedule |Buzzfeed|

Here’s Mel Gibson trippin. I’m sure this won’t make it into any of my future photoshops. |WWTDD|

People Are Writing Scholarly Articles About “The Big Lebowski” |FARK|

Nerd Beats Super Mario Bros. with Lowest Score Possible |Topless Robot|

Harrison Ford and His Indiana Jones Stuntman |Unreality|

The world’s steepest roller coaster is steep. |Videogum|

Kelsey Monroe is reeeeally close to naked but not quite. |GorillaMask|

6 ridiculous animal attacks. I admit, animal attacks are kind of my favorite. |HolyTaco|

The 11 geekiest tattoos ever inked. |MentalFloss|

Lady gives birth to 16-pound baby, a new record. His name? “Ouch my Vagina.” |TheDailyWhat|

Here’s a Harry Potter review by someone who cares more than me. |ScreenJunkies|

Hillary Duff looks okay in a bikini. |TheSuperficial|

A Fleshlighting Conversation with Jenna Haze. Yep, that’s a verb now. |BroBible|

Subscribe to the Frotcast. Hell, I don’t even care if you listen. Nominate for Comments of the Week.

It’s hard to deny that before Passion of the Christ, Jim Caviezel seemed like a star on the rise (Count of Monte Cristo is a guilty pleasure of mine).  Or that these days, he seems a bit like an afterthought (Outlander, anyone?).  The question is, is his fall from prominence the result of Hollywood being run by Godless Jews, or is it just that Christians are always trying to blame everything on Jesus?

Since playing the son of God in the 2004 film he said offers had dried up and he is shunned by many within the industry. Prior to playing Jesus he was considered one of Hollywood rising stars and appeared in ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ and ‘Angel Eyes’ with Jennifer Lopez.

Ah yes, who could forget that classic, Angel Eyes with Jennifer Lopez? I have my fingers crossed for the Criterion Collection.  Any day now, I can feel it.

Caviezel, a devout Roman Catholic, said he knew playing Jesus would be risky.  ‘Jesus is as controversial now as he has ever been,’ Caviezel said. ‘Not much has changed in 2,000 years.’

Caviezel said he was warned against taking the part by Gibson who warned him he would never work in Hollywood again. ‘He said, “You’ll never work in this town again.” I told him, “We all have to embrace our crosses”.’ Caviezel told an audience of churchgoers in Orlando, Florida.

Gibson later told him, “Put your shirt back on.  You look like an Israelite in heat, and I hope you get raped by a pack of Romans.”

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