The other day I gave you all the opportunity to vote on what movie we should see for next week’s frotcast: Toy Story 3, currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, the intriguing Cyrus, or Jonah Hex, of which one reviewer wrote, “The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of BP,” — which is currently tracking worse than Killers.

Since you guys are jerks, you picked Jonah Hex, which you know turned out great because it’s only 72 minutes long. In the hopes that something good can come out of this, I thought we’d use to play the old recreate-the-plot-using-quotes-from-scathing-reviews game (expository only, no analysis!).  Here we go!

“Jonah Hex” is a Western set around the town of Stunk Crick. -Ebert

It’s about the lighthearted adventures of a gruff, wisecracking, badly scarred bounty hunter who has all sorts of cool gadgets, like a horse outfitted with Gatling guns -Onion AV Club

Stunk Crick is your standard frontier town with a wide Main Street, a saloon, and a room over the saloon occupied by Lilah, a sexy hooker. Lilah and Jonah are in love, for reasons unexplained. -Ebert

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(Not pictured: Pigtails, a lollipop)

Jonah Hex opens in three weeks and WB just released this new trailer.  It’s chock fulla crossbows and gatling guns and explosions and rock music, and CGI crows climbin outta people’s mouths.  CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! I’M DEAD!  …TICK TICK TICK…. SLUTS!  Looks like Megan Fox brought out her little girl voice for this one.  I mean, I know she’s playing a whore and all, but I think she’d be sexier if she didn’t play it, you know, so whore-y.  It’s like I tell my girlfriend, you don’t have to be someone else, just cover your c-section scar, it makes it easier to pretend. I also would’ve enjoyed it if before Josh Brolin blew the f*ck outta something, he yelled to John Malkovich’s bad guy, “Hey Malkovich, think fast!”

That’s really all this one needs. (*chucks beer can at pigeon*)

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Bay kept pressing the “make boobs bigger” button. He takes that remote everywhere.

So a few days ago, Deadline‘s Nikki Finke broke the story that Paramount wasn’t picking up the option on Megan Fox’s contract for Transformers 3, and that it was “ultimately Michael Bay’s decision.”  Megan Fox’s reps quickly denied the story to People, saying it was actually Megan Fox who had quit (which is sort of the predictable thing for publicists, who to some degree lie for a living, to say about their client).

Meanwhile TheWrap, noting Nikki Finke’s close ties to Paramount CEO Brad Grey, who might’ve been trying to spin the story Paramount’s way, today said that their inside source paints a very different picture (with jizz).

Megan Fox walked away from “Transformers 3″ because director Michael Bay was “verbally abusive” toward her and “she had enough and decided to get out early,” an individual close to the actress said.
Bay has a history of demeaning his leading ladies, including “Pearl Harbor” star Kate Beckinsale; an individual close to the actress recalled that the director “wasn’t very nice” to her on the set, either.
Apparently, Fox wasn’t the only “Transformers” cast member affected by Bay’s rude behavior. TheWrap also learned that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” star Isabel Lucas chose not to join her co-stars on a publicity tour for the film because she didn’t get along with the director, who was described as being “too powerful” and “not well-liked” by the female talent community.
Another individual close to the sequel’s production told TheWrap that Bay “wants his actresses to look a certain way, and if they can’t meet his absurd standards of beauty, he gets rid of them.”
Additionally, in a recent interview with Allure magazine, Fox expressed concerns about developing skin cancer due to excessive tanning as a result of Bay’s displeasure with her skin tone.

Meanwhile, it’s important to note that TheWrap and NikkiFinke have been engaged in a long standing pissing contest over who gets the scoopiest scoops, so it’s sort of serves them to say she has a story wrong.  For their part, HitFix (who would seem to be neutral) confirm TheWrap’s account.

Which brings me to my next point: WHO F*CKING CARES.  Wondering about the plot of Transformers 3 is like wondering about the plot of the next Burger King commercial.  Actually, it’s worse. Burger King commercials are good.  But you get the point.  Was Megan Fox going to be naked in it?  No.  Great.  So let’s all move onto something a person might feasibly care about beyond the age of eight. …Like, say, sentient tires that explode people’s heads.  I mean that looks BAD ASS, amirite?

It seemed like that old Hollywood fairy tale: Boy meets 15-year-old girl, girl washes boy’s Ferrari, boy films girl writhing under a waterfall, boy casts girl in his robot movie, girl compares boy to Hitler — my grandparents tell the same story every family reunion.  But alas, ’twasn’t meant to be.  As I much as I’d hoped these crazy kids could work it out, Deadline first reported the story that Paramount wouldn’t be picking up Megan Fox’s option for Tranformers 3, and that it was “ultimately Michael Bay’s decision.”

Meanwhile, Megan Fox’s reps told People it was Megan Fox’s decision to leave, and HitFix says “sources close to the production” tell them the same thing.   For their part, Deadline is sticking by their original story that Bay did the firing.  At least this much is certain, however, (*dismissive wank mouthfart blowjob pantomime*).

Others are saying that Shia Labeouf, who recently kinda sorta criticized Steven Spielberg (who’s still a producer on Transformers), should heed this as a cautionary tale:

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WB and Legendary Pictures’ Jonah Hex has been plagued by bad buzz — rumors of another director being brought in to do reshoots (Horton Hears a Who‘s Jimmy Hayward had never done live action before), plus the general concern that, even though the movie opens in June, we hadn’t seen a trailer before today.  But now that it’s here, it looks basically like the graphic-novel western that was promised.  GRRR, RAP-ROCK AND GATLING GUNS AND AND ONE LINERS AND EXPLOSIONS!!!  Tick. Tick. Tick… SLUTS!

And what else would you expect from the screenwriters who did Crank? It’s got a pretty good cast: Josh Brolin, Will Arnett, Michael Fassbender, John Malkovich, and Megan Fox’s ridiculous accent, so who knows.  It’ll probably be really stupid, but I’m holding out hope for awesome-stupid, like a retarded kid jumping through a flaming hoop. You’d be amazed at what you can get them to do with a bullwhip and upside-down chair.