In Passion Play, Mickey Rourke plays a down-on-his-luck trumpet tooter in a feud with a dapper thug named Happy Shannon, played by Bill Murray.  That’s when he discovers a chick with actual angel wings at a carnival.  She’s played by Megan Fox.  Based on that, I’d already be sold, even if Cam Gigandet were in it.

ROURKE: “I’m a broken down piece a meat.”

FOX:  “Have you been f*cking?  It smells like Thai food in here.”

(*plays Wrestler theme on kazoo*).  But strangely, according the Hollywood Reporter‘s account, when the film played the Toronto Film Festival, it inspired laughter at inopportune times and people walking out of the theater.

If the degree of laughter at the wrong moments and the number of walkouts at the Toronto International Film Festival are any indication, the film will appeal only to the most fondly indulgent.
Nate [Rourke] staggers through the brush and stumbles upon a carnival run by flamboyant carny boss Sam Adamo (Rhys Ifans in full voice). There, he meets a beautiful young woman  named Annie (Fox) whose abundant charms extend to a genuine pair of wings. At this point, those who don’t get it will likely begin to snigger, as many did in the press and industry audience at the Toronto.
Smitten instantly, Nate frees Annie from Adamo’s exploitive clutches but no sooner are they back in the city than he’s trying to make a deal with Happy Shannon [Murray] over rights to Annie’s potential income as a gorgeous woman with wings [well sure, that would be a gold mine]. The inevitable falling out leads to a tussle over the woman and along the way Rourke gets to mime an extraordinarily unconvincing scene of Nate’s trumpet playing, and Fox disrobes attractively.

So wait, what drove people out of the theater, exactly?  Because based on what I’ve heard so far, this movie sounds f*cking amazing.

I normally don’t post every silly email I get, because that seems a little too “inside scarf baseball” even for a site such as this.  However, this morning’s Nigerian scam email addressed to Megan Fox is probably funnier by accident than anything I’ve ever written. Sad as that is, being mistaken for Megan Fox means all the thighmastering I did for bikini season is finally starting to pay off.  Not to mention the Kegel work.  And blowing Brian Austin Green.

I swear to God I did not make any of this up (I wish I had).

To
Megan Fox

Madam.
Scuse me for the letter.I am very sorry for the letter. I am Ilias Chowdhury. I am a Bangladeshi boy. I am a orphan and poor boy.when I pass the H.S.C exeminition that time my father was died  after some days my mother was died . they was ill . I was cannot treatment my father and mother . as a result they are died one after another I live alone in the world . To day I know what is father ? what is mother ?

Manny Shyamalan’s parents are going to be so pissed when they find out he’s been screwing around on their computer.

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Call me lazy for not adding commentary to this if you must, but I thought it was pretty funny on its own.  From ThePlaylist:

Doing press rounds for “Jonah Hex,” Megan Fox said, “I don’t want people to protest this, but I would like to be (Sarah) Rainmaker in ‘Gen 13 ‘ if they ever made that into a movie.”
For those of you not familiar with the character, Sarah Rainmaker is an Apache born, bisexual superhero who can control the weather with her mind and fly.

Okay fine, just one: A bisexual Apache, huh?  Weird, I thought it was the BLACK HAWKS that were always GOING DOWN. (*RPG to the groin*)

(*puts dreamcatcher on wiener, performs rain dance*)

"Oh hello there, I didn't hear you come in."

Do yourself a favor and see Jonah Hex while you still can.  Yes, I’m serious.

A few years ago, when I finally got around to seeing the Nicolas Cage version of Wicker Man, I was equal parts delighted and pissed.  Delighted I was witnessing such a beautifully ridiculous spectacle, and pissed that no one had told me about it sooner.  All I heard about it when it came out was that “it sucked”, and it was quickly shuffled out of theaters and forgotten.  What those same people had apparently neglected to mention was that NIC CAGE PUNCHES A WOMAN WHILE DRESSED AS A GOD D*MNED BEAR. What the hell, people?  Help a brother out.

Everyone seemed hung up on the filmmaker’s intention.  Look, the filmmaker’s intention is not my concern. I just know I would trade 100 “eh it was okay I guess” films for one Wicker Man.

Today, I find it within my power to prevent at least one similar oversight.  I’m here to tell you that, short of Josh Brolin dressing like a gorilla and pushing Megan Fox down stairs,  Jonah Hex is this year’s Wicker Man.  I was disappointed when the Frotcast listeners voted that we see it.  I expected to hate it and be bored.  Instead, I laughed almost continuously from the opening credits to the closing ones (not a huge commitment considering it’s only 72 minutes long).  More incredibly, I was not stoned.

This movie has everything.  EVERYTHING CATCHES FIRE!  EVERY BAD GUY GETS KILLED TWICE! SILLY WIGS FOR EVERYONE!

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The other day I gave you all the opportunity to vote on what movie we should see for next week’s frotcast: Toy Story 3, currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, the intriguing Cyrus, or Jonah Hex, of which one reviewer wrote, “The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of BP,” — which is currently tracking worse than Killers.

Since you guys are jerks, you picked Jonah Hex, which you know turned out great because it’s only 72 minutes long. In the hopes that something good can come out of this, I thought we’d use to play the old recreate-the-plot-using-quotes-from-scathing-reviews game (expository only, no analysis!).  Here we go!

“Jonah Hex” is a Western set around the town of Stunk Crick. -Ebert

It’s about the lighthearted adventures of a gruff, wisecracking, badly scarred bounty hunter who has all sorts of cool gadgets, like a horse outfitted with Gatling guns -Onion AV Club

Stunk Crick is your standard frontier town with a wide Main Street, a saloon, and a room over the saloon occupied by Lilah, a sexy hooker. Lilah and Jonah are in love, for reasons unexplained. -Ebert

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