Welcome To ‘Fat Hollywood’, Deviant ART’s Huge Obsession With Obese Actresses

Written by Ashley Burns / 02.15.13

If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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Esquire’s Megan Fox Profile is Hilariously Overwrought Journo-Porn

Written by Vince Mancini / 01.15.13

Writing about Megan Fox as the modern-day Marilyn Monroe, as in, finding elaborate ways to say “people are interested in her because she’s pretty,” is already pretty passé at this point, so if you’re going to do it, you better pontificate, hard. And Esquire’s Stephen Marche doesn’t disappoint in his new profile of Fox, piling on some of the most embarrassingly flowery prose you’ll read outside of North Korea’s propaganda department. But hey, if you’re going to publish a seven-page photospread of Megan Fox in a fancy magazine, you’ll need some lorem ipsum text to go underneath, and Stephen Marche has got you covered. He starts – STARTS – by tricking Megan Fox into agreeing with his metaphor about Aztec human sacrifice.

Deep in her house, Megan Fox and I are discussing human sacrifice. I tell her about an Aztec ritual practiced five hundred years ago in ancient Mexico during the feast of Toxcatl, when the Aztecs picked a perfect youth to live among them as a god. He was a paragon, beautiful and fit and healthy, with ideal proportions.

Fox has been telling me about the toll that celebrity has taken on her, how the only way to keep from bending to the outside is to bend within. [...]

The sacrifice’s year was filled with constant delight, I tell her. He danced through the streets adorned in luxurious clothes given to him by the master, decked in flowers and incense, playing magical flutes that brought prosperity to the whole world. He had eight servants and four virgins to attend to his every need, and could wander wherever he pleased. But at the end of the year, when the feast of Toxcatl came around again, the perfect youth had to smash his flutes and climb the stairs of the great temple, where the priests would cut out his heart and offer it, still beating, to the sun.

Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec…

Phew, for a second there, I was worried this magazine profile was a time warp. I almost punched a Mexican dude in self defense. “WHO DOES META WORK PHOR?!”

...She’s a screen saver on a teenage boy’s laptop, a middle-aged lawyer’s shower fantasy, a sexual prop used to sell movies and jeans.

“It’s so similar. It totally is,” she says quietly.

“She sat for a moment in reverent silence, awed into a fugue state by the validity of my overwrought metaphor.”

Poor actors. Their “yes-and” improv training leaves them vulnerable to invasion by thought parasites like this, like domesticated beasts bred for their gullibility. Please, elaborate on this hokey parallel, Megan Fox, reall make it your own:

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Judd Apatow’s This is 40, now with MEGAN FOX IN BRA AND PANTIES!

Written by Vince Mancini / 08.07.12

Universal just released the full-length trailer for Judd Apatow’s This is 40 (opening December 21st), and obviously, since this is a website dedicated to the serious discussion of cinema-films and their place in the annals of celluloid museums art, I tried to pick a screencap that was central to the plot, which just so happens to deal with MEGAN FOX BRA AND PANTIES TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF UPSKIRT LESBIAN KITTENS GOOGLE! and has nothing whatsoever to do with cheap, callow traffic whoring. So as long as we’re clear on that, you can go ahead and click through to see the trailer below, which, just to reiterate, involves Megan Fox taking her clothes off, ie, Megan Fox in her bra and panties getting almost naked, with pictures included of Megan Fox in her underpants probably about to do lesbian stuff.

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The Washed Ferrari Scale: Rating Michael Bay’s Leading Ladies

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.01.12

As we’ve discussed plenty in recent years, Michael Bay is a man of extravagant taste. The Academy Award-watching director and producer has a legendary fondness for making things go KA-BLAMMY as the hot action star of the moment rolls on the ground in slow motion while wearing an open button-down shirt, before he pops up to shoot a bad guy in between the eyes and rescue the smoking hot model-actress that very few people have ever heard of. Or something like that.

The latest super duper smoking hottie hot hot hot lady joining Bay’s stable is Israeli supermodel Bar Paly, who will star alongside Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Mark Wahlberg in Bay’s “passion project” Pain and Gain. The film is about two bodybuilders who get caught up in some serious crime stuff, but the whole time you’re going to sit there thinking, “Dude, what’s up with the hottie, bro?”

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Hey, you got Megan Fox in my Bridesmaids!

Written by Vince Mancini / 01.12.12

*ahem* MEGAN FOX NAKED MEGAN FOX NAKED MEGAN FOX NAKED! …Sorry, I have to do that for Google search purposes. I hope you understand. Anyway, after the jump I’ve got the trailer for Friends with Kids, the unofficial Bridesmaids reunion starring Kristin Wiig, Jon Hamm, Chris O’Dowd, and Maya Rudolph, with Adam Scott, Megan Fox, Ed Burns, and Jennifer Westfeldt (who also wrote and directs) along for the ride. The plot? “We’ve replaced their ‘Benefits’ with ‘Kids.’ Let’s see if anyone notices!”

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