Writing about Megan Fox as the modern-day Marilyn Monroe, as in, finding elaborate ways to say “people are interested in her because she’s pretty,” is already pretty passé at this point, so if you’re going to do it, you better pontificate, hard. And Esquire’s Stephen Marche doesn’t disappoint in his new profile of Fox, piling on some of the most embarrassingly flowery prose you’ll read outside of North Korea’s propaganda department. But hey, if you’re going to publish a seven-page photospread of Megan Fox in a fancy magazine, you’ll need some lorem ipsum text to go underneath, and Stephen Marche has got you covered. He starts – STARTS – by tricking Megan Fox into agreeing with his metaphor about Aztec human sacrifice.
Deep in her house, Megan Fox and I are discussing human sacrifice. I tell her about an Aztec ritual practiced five hundred years ago in ancient Mexico during the feast of Toxcatl, when the Aztecs picked a perfect youth to live among them as a god. He was a paragon, beautiful and fit and healthy, with ideal proportions.
Fox has been telling me about the toll that celebrity has taken on her, how the only way to keep from bending to the outside is to bend within. [...]
The sacrifice’s year was filled with constant delight, I tell her. He danced through the streets adorned in luxurious clothes given to him by the master, decked in flowers and incense, playing magical flutes that brought prosperity to the whole world. He had eight servants and four virgins to attend to his every need, and could wander wherever he pleased. But at the end of the year, when the feast of Toxcatl came around again, the perfect youth had to smash his flutes and climb the stairs of the great temple, where the priests would cut out his heart and offer it, still beating, to the sun.
Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec…
Phew, for a second there, I was worried this magazine profile was a time warp. I almost punched a Mexican dude in self defense. “WHO DOES META WORK PHOR?!”
...She’s a screen saver on a teenage boy’s laptop, a middle-aged lawyer’s shower fantasy, a sexual prop used to sell movies and jeans.
“It’s so similar. It totally is,” she says quietly.
“She sat for a moment in reverent silence, awed into a fugue state by the validity of my overwrought metaphor.”
Poor actors. Their “yes-and” improv training leaves them vulnerable to invasion by thought parasites like this, like domesticated beasts bred for their gullibility. Please, elaborate on this hokey parallel, Megan Fox, reall make it your own:
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