No one knows much about “directors” Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, as they wisely keep a low profile.  The only thing certain is that their “movies”, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, are like a biblical plague.  They’re almost impressive in that it’s impossible to overstate how bad they are.  No one knows why they keep getting made, or why their financiers aren’t tarred, feathered, and sterilized.  And though everyone hates them, financially, they seem to be doing just fine.  In fact, Seltzer recently put his house on the market – for almost three million dollars.

Film writer-director-producer Aaron Seltzer has listed his Studio City home at $2,949,000. The Cape Cod-style house, built in 1951, has five bedrooms and 5 1/2 bathrooms in about 4,200 square feet. The sunroom has walls of French doors. [LATimes]

That’s right, the guy who wrote Disaster Movie was living in a $3 million house.  Game over, man, game over. I may have to cheer for the terrorists from now on.

[Thanks to 'Slowhand' for the tip]

In a perfect world, the writer/director team behind Meet the Spartans (and Epic Movie, Date Movie, etc.) would die in a fire.  But since there clearly is no God, they’re currently casting for Lionsgate’s Goodie Two Shoes.

The plot-like thrust of this one will reportedly be a group of kids who go on a life-changing adventure, a la Superbad.  The main characters will be a fat loudmouth like Jonah Hill and a mellow nerd like Michael Cera – and instead of saying funny things, they’ll just make obvious references to pop culture events from five years ago and make you want to cut your eyes out with a fish scaler.  Oh man, I love spoof movies!

According to MovieHole, it will also involve a Sex and the City parody in which a guy will play Carrie (imagine the gender confusion!), and spoofs of Hancock and The Love Guru.  None of those movies are out yet, but all these guys need to know is what the costumes look like so they can incorporate them into their glorified 3rd grade stuffed animal sketches. 

They’re also looking for:

…a ‘Jessica Simpson’, a ‘Justin Timberlake’, a ‘Prince’, a ‘Flava Flav’, a ‘Dr Phil’, an ‘Angelina Jolie’, ‘Paris Hilton’, and, of course, a ‘Michael Jackson’.  “Goodie Two Shoes” films in Louisiana April 28 through June 6.

Prince and Dr. Phil and Michale Jackson? Damn, this sounds ripped from the headlines.  I hope they find someone to do a good Johnny Carson impression.  Or a real fat guy that does a dead on President Taft – the jokes practically write themselves with that guy!  Payne-Aldrich tariff indeed, you fat fuck! 

I also like how they left out an "a" in front of Paris Hilton, as if they’re looking for the actual Paris Hilton. I don’t think it’ll happen because, and it hurts me to say this, this movie is beneath her. 

This is the trailer for Superhero Movie, written and directed by Craig Mazin, who, like those mouthbreathers behind Meet the Spartans, was a writer on Scary Movie 3 and 4.

That said, this one has Leslie Nielsen and looks more like a faithful parody of Spider-Man rather than a bunch of lame pop-culture references strung together by even lamer pop-culture references.  

I may not see this one in the theatres but when I watch it I think, "Eh, that might be funny.  Sorta." Which is an improvement from "I want to find the director of this and murder his children with a shovel."

Studio estimates of the weekend box office:

1. Meet the Spartans, $18,725,000
2. Rambo, $18,150,000
3. 27 Dresses, $13,600,000
4. Cloverfield, $12,700,00
5. Untraceable, $11,200,000

"Hey Winston," I said to my boxer puppy, “Meet the Spartans is the new number one movie in America!”

"Hmph," Winston sighed, and he put his paws over his eyes.  Here we go again!   

^[Source] 

Opening this weekend

Rambo
Well, it ain’t gonna be Citizen Kane.  But I’ve seen the trailer in the theater a few times now, and every time the crowd laughed and cheered. It might have just enough blood and guts to be worth while – maybe not Tony Jah good, but okay for a laugh, like ridiculing the blind.

Meet the Spartans
Don’t see it as a goof, don’t let someone drag you to it, just… no.  Predictably, it wasn’t screened for critics, but /Film is projecting it to make #2 at the box office and pull in close to $20 million. For all that is holy, I hope they’re wrong. These jackasses are more annoyingly unfunny and inexplicably successful than Larry the Cable guy and Ant combined. I’d love to be funny here, but this just fills me with rage. Honestly, if this movie is successful, well I just might throw a hissy fit.

Untraceable
Tracking 17% on RottenTomatoes, the critics love it.  "Just ugh." says the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.  My call? I liked it better when it was called FeardotCom. Just kidding, that sucked too. Tell you what though, Colin Hanks is part of a grand tradition of dopey mouthbreathers. 

How She Move
Yo, we savin’ the rec center, y’all. Believe it or not, this movie’s actually getting some good reviews. But I think they may just be trying to respect the memory of cousin Chad Butler, aka Pimp C.