UPDATE: Picture now with 100% more Schadenfreude Sloth 

Bestweekever recently did a feature called "50 Movies That Out-Grossed Meet Dave In Their Opening Weekends".  The top ten?

1. Soul Plane – $ 5,648,486
2. Good Burger – $7,058,333
3. Corky Romano – $9,023,173
4. Ballistic: Ecks VS Sever – $7,010,474
5. Son Of The Mask – $7,511,675
6. The Master of Disguise – $12,554,650
7. Juwanna Man – $5,474,270
8. Battlefield Earth – $11,548,898
9. Taxi – $12,029,832
10. Fear Dot Com – $5,710,128

Damn, that list is more embarrassing than getting pulled over with a trannie prostitute in your car.  (Sorry, Eddie, it was an easy joke).

[See the other 40 here]

Hellboy 2 claimed the top spot in a weak field at the box office this weekend, pulling in a modest $35.9 million dollars.  In other not surprising news, Meet Dave, the Eddie Murphy vehicle for which the star skipped his own premiere, was a complete failure, opening in the seventh spot and earning just $5.3 million.  The movie looked horrible.  But knowing these industry analysts, I’m sure there’s a more science-y sounding reason for its failure…

Science-fiction comedy has not been a kind genre for Murphy. His biggest bomb ever was the sci-fi tale "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," which cost about $90 million and took in just $4.4 million during its entire run.  "It was a tough concept to get across," 20th Century Fox distribution executive Bert Livingston said of "Meet Dave," which cost about $55 million to make. "It’s upsetting for all of us and for Eddie. He’s very funny in this. Just not enough people came."

If only some of that money had gone towards fat suits. Full top 10 after the jump.

1. "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," $35.9 million.
2. "Hancock," $33 million.
3. "Journey to the Center of the Earth," $20.6 million.
4. "Wall-E," $18.5 million.
5. "Wanted," $11.6 million.
6. "Get Smart," $7.1 million.
7. "Meet Dave," $5.3 million.
8. "Kung Fu Panda," $7.5 4.3 million. [Sorry, CNN's error, not mine]
9. "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl," $2.5 million.
10. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," $2.3 million.

[CNN] 

Sorry this is going up a little late, folks.  I fell asleep.  A natural response to this week’s releases, I’m afraid.

Opening this week: 

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Consensus on this one seems to be that it’s pretty badass, and it’s easily the only new movie out worth seeing.  I dunno though, I can’t seem to get excited about it.  Maybe I should do some more coke.

Journey to the Center of the Earth
Looks like the kind of half-assed, uninspired crap we’ve come to expect from Brendan Fraser.  The critics say it’s good if you see it in 3-D.  Like cheese in a can, it seems like something I’d recommend not going near unless you’re really, really high. 

Meet Dave
I would literally rather be raped by a man.

Hollywood is abuzz with rumors after Eddie Murphy skipped the premiere of his own movie, Meet Dave.

One of the producers told the press that it’s because he was busy shooting his next film, A Thousand Words. The only problem with that explanation is that A Thousand Words is being directed by Brian Robbins … and Brian Robbins spent Tuesday evening at — you guessed it — the Meet Dave premiere. (He directed it, too.) [Cinematical]

Wow, what an asshole.  Not because he missed the premiere, which is understandable, but because he’s doing another movie with same director.  That’s like marrying the hooker who gave you the clap.  Oh, but that’s not all.  It seems Murphy cancelled only 90 minutes before show time.  AND, according to Nikki Finke, the only reason Fox did a premiere was because Murphy insisted on one.  Says an anonymous post by someone claiming to be a publicist on DataLounge:

It’s 4:45pm, his "Meet Dave" premiere – which he is the one and only star – is an hour and a half away. And he JUST CANCELLED.  Yep, all that time, money, work by everyone and dickhead Eddie just informed us he decided he’s not going to show up. To his own premiere. To promote his own movie.  This is why he lost for Dreamgirls. This is why Hollywood loves to see him fail. Cause even by Hollywood standards, he’s an asshole among assholes.

Those other assholes being publicists, presumably. Damn, who would’ve thought a guy playing the guy controlling a guy who looks just like him would have such a big head?  Look, unless it involves fatsuits or trannies, or trannies in fatsuits (hey, there’s an idea!) Eddie’s got better things to do, okay?

Eddie Murphy is daring Hollywood to stop putting him in movies (I can’t even put "practically" in front of that anymore, he honestly walks into a producer’s office and slams a couple $100 bills on the table, thrusts his finger in thier face and says "I dare ya nottah put me in movies!" And they laugh like Sam Jackson at the beginning of Eddie Murphy Raw before greenlighting The Klumps 6). He’s following last year’s Norbit with Meet Dave, which is likely to be the worst movie of a summer that features The Love Guru and The Happening. That’s no small feat. It’s so bad even he won’t watch it.

In this sitdown with MTV, he comes off as bizarre as you’d think someone who goes after tranny hookers would be. Besides pretending not to be aware that a giant disembodied version of his head is being trucked around America, Eddie is most concerned that photos of said head with comminge with strangers’ shit and piss in the garbage. No reason that photo should get all of his fun. 

-Christmas Ape

That’s it for me, folks. Vince will return tomorrow and break down once he realizes I drove off half his readership. Shouldn’t've taken that vacation with Two-Face.