Shirtless ethnic temptation wolf Taylor Lautner’s IMDB page is about to get even sh-ttier if the LA Times is to be believed. They say he’s “in talks” to play Max Steel, a concept which sounds like an energy drink went double pits to chesty with a Superman comic and gave birth to Vin Diesel.

“Steel” [Thanks for shortening the title, broseph! *air guitar*] traces back to the toy shelf — the Mattel line that hit stores in 2001, pulled in $100 million in worldwide business in its first year and spawned an animated series that lasted three seasons.

Lautner would play Josh McGrath, a 19-year-old extreme-sports athlete who is accidentally exposed to the unleashed power of nanotechological [sic] machines, which become part of him and give him increased strength, near-invulnerability and the ability to change his appearance.

No word on whether this would mean he wouldn’t be back for the next Twilight movie.  But if they need a new Jacob, I could totally do it.  I’d be good at playing a werewolf because growing up with my stepdad, I was always dodging Silver Bullets.

You guys will never believe this, but Paramount is greenlighting a movie based on a Mattel toy! To be produced by the guy who directed Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise!

Max Steel revolves around a 19-year-old extreme sports junkie recruited by a secret agency after an accident infects his body with nanobots, making him superhuman.

OOO WHA-AA AA-AA!  I smell franchise potential!  Max Steel II: Double Pits to Chesty!

Although Mattel introduced the character in the U.S. in 1999 as an action figure, and soon after in an animated series that ran from 2000-2002, he’s proved more popular in Latin America, where Max Steel is the region’s No. 1 action figure. Mattel has continued to produce animated direct-to-DVD features for the region.

But Mattel wants to use movies as a way to relaunch the toy line in the U.S. and the rest of the world, [like Transformers]. Mattel was keen on pairing with [executive producer Joe Roth], considering the Max Steel character has similarities to the “XXX” franchise he launched while head of Revolution Studios. The Xander Cage character in the first film was an extreme sports athlete turned spy. [So, Mr. Roth, I can see by your resume that you have sh-tty movie experience.  That's going to be invaluable in this position].

So basically, Max Steel is like the Mexican Triple X.  Triple MexXx, say. Mira, I deed a backfleep on my lawnmower, ése!  And now I gonna paint a virgen on the side with glitter.  MEXXXTREEEME GLITTER! (*shotguns Jarritos, accordion music plays*)

In conclusion, f-ck yourself, Paramount.