Matthew McConaughey’s snub for his work in Magic Mike was the biggest Oscar snub of the century, if not all time, but here on FilmDrunk, you can rest easy knowing that tales of Matthew McConaughey’s awesomeness will never go untold. Yesterday, Reddit hosted a wildly entertaining thread where redditors submitted their celebrity encounters for “whose [sic] the biggest asshole celebrity you’ve ever met?” Of course, not every story was about a celebrity being an asshole, because there are only so many Dustin Diamonds in the world. In fact, some are ridiculously nice, like Hugh Jackman. And then there’s Matthew McConaughey, cruising around a Whole Foods in Austin with no shirt on, alright alright alright.

FilmDrunk readers, we’re usually pretty factual around here, so I hope you’ll enjoy this break from reading the news. It’s time to read some exquisite literature I have written for you. Please enjoy semi-erotic fan fiction about my two favorite Hollywood hunks, Keanu Reeves and Matthew McConaughey. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be super horned up! Trust me, you’ll want to read this to the end.

Oscar voters are out of touch, milquetoast, hopelessly middlebrow, and so old that they couldn’t even figure out how to e-vote, but it’s always been this way, and we still argue about it anyway. Even after Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction, The English Patient over Fargo, Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan, etc. The list goes on, and we should know better. In 2013, no one should be surprised that the Academy’s choices are two parts wrong and ten parts boring, but if we’re going to bitch somewhere, it might as well be here. I may be a lot of things, but allergic to money isn’t one of them. And hey, as bad as the Oscars are, they’re still a thousand times better than the Grammys and the Emmys put together. So here they are, the best and worst of this year’s Oscar nominations. KNIVES OUT, SHITHEADS! IT’S TIME TO END SOME FRIENDSHIPS!

(FYI, you can find my reviews and best-of list and Burnsy’s Worst list at these links. The full list of nominations is at the bottom below).

BEST PICTURE:

Best:
Django Unchained. After getting snubbed at the DGAs and WGAs, it’s nice to see Tarantino’s latest get some love from the Academy, even though the very things that make me love it instead of just like it – that it’s so gleefully vulgar and deliberately lowbrow – are the same reasons it won’t win and didn’t receive more nominations.

Worst:
Beasts of the Southern Wild, Les Misérables. I’ve already gone over in great detail why Beasts isn’t a great movie.  Even in terms of movies that appeal hard to pedantic white liberal fantasies, Life of Pi did it better, and in a much nicer way (not to mention, it had a carnivorous island full of meerkats).

Les Mis is just… God, it’s so predictable. You had the choice of nominating less than 10 (you’ll notice there are only nine nominees this year – here’s a refresher course on why), and Les Mis still made the list? I think of it like this: There are times in my life when I’ll be riding my fixed gear down to my local San Fran latte shop listening to This American Life on my iPhone; and other times when I’ll be eating chicken wings with my bros while we watch football and trash talk each other’s fantasy teams down at the sports bar. In both instances, I’ll think to myself, “God, I feel like such a stereotype right now,” and try to change something up. Oscar voters… never seem to have that thought. “A movie full of famous actors with dirty faces singing French songs about poverty and trying to f*ck each other? Oh hell yeah, more of that plz.” Les Mis would be insulting to Academy voters if they weren’t so dumb. Les Mis can derelicte my balls, capitan.

Snubbed:
No Magic Mike? Are you kidding me? But I’m not surprised. It was inevitable that the Academy voters would only see the guy pumping up his blurry dick in the foreground, and not the nuanced, melancholy story about trying to find a place in the modern economy that those blurry dicks were framing. Looper? The Master? Again, not surprised, but the fact that Les Mis got in but not the best original sci-fi in years and Joaquin Phoenix’s most watchable performance isn’t going to go unmentioned here.

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View more at NextMovie.

MORNING LINKS
Drunk kid from Twilight pees all over airport
|Film Drunk|

Frotcast 133: Holiday Movies, Laremy’s Movie Marathon |Frotcast|

10 Of The Coolest Musicians To Guest Star On An Animated Show |UPROXX|

Vince Gilligan Offers 9 Clues On The Ending Of ‘Breaking Bad’ |Warming Glow|

The Hit Heard ‘Round The World: The Internet Sure Does Love Jadeveon Clowney |With Leather|

Playboy Playmate Crystal McCahill Shares Pictures From The ‘Sin City 2′ Set |Gamma Squad|

8 Realistic Expectations For Eminem’s 8th Album |Smoking Section|

20 Great Reasons to Hate the Redskins
|Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Boy, that escalated quickly |theChive|

Jose Canseco And Dane Cook Bring You The Greatest Tweet Of 2013 |Buzzfeed|

Year in Preview: 2013′s 3-D Movies |Film.com|

Husband’s Cringe-Worthy Vibrator Prank |HuffPost Comedy|

7 Television Shows Saved By Their Fans |Mental Floss|

Jackie Chan’s 10 Craziest Stunts |Clip Nation|

God Pitches Winter |College Humor|

Yes, This Is Sofia Vergara. How Could You Tell? |IDLYITW|

Awesome on the Set Pictures of Freaks and Geeks |Unreality|

TV Flashback: ‘Django Unchained’ |Screen Junkies|

The 10 Most Rewatchable Films of 2012 |Pajiba|

Principal’s Office |Holy Taco|

Women Who Inspire My TiVO |Hypervocal|

The Kim Kardashian/Paparazzi Truce Has Ended. Begin The Ass Wars! |The Superficial|

22 Unintentionally Hilarious Album Covers |Smosh|

Why do so many villains get caught on purpose? |Fark|

The 5 States of Text Grief |Brobible|

Post-Interaction Smile Reduction Quantifier |High Definite|

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At times it can be nearly impossible to squeeze your reactions to a film into the narrow rubric of A through F, or on-a-scale-of-one-to-ten grades. What if I love the first 110 minutes of a film but despise the next 15? Do I try to score it round by round like the unified rules used by the UFC and Bellator, or just try to get a sense of it as a whole, like the Japanese model from the Pride days? Who knows, maybe I shouldn’t even try to apply MMA rules. Maybe diving or figure skating judging would be more applicable. But if so, how do I calculate degree of difficulty? Do I use the old Ukranian model, or apply the Bellman-Krzewszewski toe-loop differential? So many questions, friends, so many questions.

But in the end, we all know that questioning the end-of-the-year ranking system is what sissies do. We live in a hard world that demands hard quantification and I’m just the hard man to hammer you with my hard on. I’m going to make some bold choices here, because that’s what men do. I just tore a Chipotle burrito in half and screamed at it like it was a dead wildebeast. LET ME HEAR YOUR WAR CRY! KEEEIAAAIIIAAA! Which is to say, I’m not here to justify the existence of rankings, I’m manning up and offering rankings because the universe demands rankings. Besides, what’s the point of writing about movies if it’s not to start heated, unresolvable arguments over subjective, unquantifiable perceptions of make-believe? KNIVES OUT, SH*THEADS! IT’S TIME TO END SOME FRIENDSHIPS! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

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