Coming off his awards-nominated turn as dark meat-loving abolitionist Thaddeus Stevens in Lincoln, professional Grumpy Cat Tommy Lee Jones stars as General Douglas MacArthur in Emperor, a film set during the not-depicted-often-enough period in the closing days of WWII, when we had to rush to forgive Japan for all the grimy sh*t they did during the war to pacify their people and turn our attention to fightin’ the commies. That it’s a period piece, but doesn’t involve any British royalty, is just the icing on the cake. It’s directed by Peter Webber (Girl with the Pearl Earring, Hannibal Rising) and co-stars Matthew Fox as General Bonner Fellers. Bonner Fellers! Please, General, don’t fell my boner, I just erected ‘er!

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After the jump, Tyler Perry stars as James Patterson’s famous detective/psychologist Alex Cross in Alex Cross. You may remember that the film also stars Matthew Fox as a freakishly ripped serial killer who moonlights as an MMA fighter. (Though if you ask Dominic Monaghan, Fox only got so shredded by beating women). Basically, the trailer is everything you’d expect from a movie that expects us to believe that pretty girls in cocktail dresses can just hang out by the cage drinking flirtinis and twirling their hair extensions during cage fights. Also, the cage seems to be at floor level, which would seem to make spectating difficult (though it should be said, Cliff Clavin Jr. back there doesn’t seem to mind).

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Dominic Monaghan, aka Merry Brandybuck in Lord of the Rings (hence my awful headline), aka Charlie on Lost, recently held a Twitter Q & A for fans, in which he was asked about Matthew Fox (pictured, above, in Alex Cross). Surprisingly, it wasn’t the usual ass-kiss fest we’re used to hearing whenever actors talk about people they’ve worked with.

Becca wrote: “holla at matthew fox and tell him to get a twitter i beg of you”
Monaghan’s reply?
he beats women. No thanks.

Hahahaha! You British people and your dry sense of humor! No, but seriously though, “beats” is some weird Cockney rhyming slant for “takes out for a nice gravy dinner and always picks up the check,” right? (Though there WAS that one time Matthew Fox allegedly punched a bus driver in the vagina…)

[same Becca] “I KNOW IT WAS WRONG BUT WHAT?! WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD TOGETHER?!”
Monaghan responded:
how do you know we ever did?you don’t know either of us.he beats women.not isolated incidents.often.not interested.

It’s funny that so many people are so wrapped up in their favorite shows that they think of the scenes as the actors just having fun together, rather than it being like a regular job, where you’re usually stuck in a cube next to some fake-cheerful jackass you wish would walk into traffic. The Monaghan-Fox relationship sounds closer to the latter. It continues:

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I haven’t been paying much attention to Alex Cross, mainly because it’s an adaptation of a McNovel by James Patterson being directed by xXx‘s Rob Cohen and starring Tyler Perry, but I admit this latest batch of photos with Lost‘s Matthew Fox lookin’ all shredded has me slightly intrigued. My god, he looks like Mickey Rourke’s penis. Also, I can’t tell if that’s an arm or a leg he’s holding, but no way’s he’s finishing a submission that loose. Looks like you spent too much time cutting weight and not enough time on the mats, bra.

The story finds Cross on the hunt for Michael Sullivan (Fox), a ruthless assassin who murders the Washington DC detective’s wife. Sullivan, it turns out, is an MMA fighter, and Fox has transformed himself into something that would be right at home in a fantasy adventure or possibly Hurley from Lost’s nightmares.

Ooh, a ruthless, MMA-fighting assassin. I’m sure this will be full of the kind of nuance and subtlety we’ve come to expect from the director of xXx. Ten bucks says he enters the ring drinking snake blood and breaks his opponent’s neck.

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(“I want a sandwich this big.”)

Guillermo Del Toro is so busy collecting paychecks from ten different projects that I can hardly keep track.  According to IMDB, he currently has eight projects in development, seven that he produced currently in post production, plus writing and directing two Hobbit movies, not to mention that vampire book he co-wrote for some reason.  He’s so busy that now he’s handing off projects to his ‘proteges,’ like this remake of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, which is good because I’m sure the public absolutely couldn’t wait for this gem.

Guy Pearce is in final negotiations and Bailee Madison is set to star with Katie Holmes in “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” Miramax’s supernatural thriller being directed by Guillermo del Toro protege Troy Nixey.  “Dark” is based on a 1973 ABC telefilm about a young girl who moves in with her father and his girlfriend and discovers they are sharing the house with demonic creatures.  Del Toro and Matthew Robbins wrote the script. [THR]

Yep, a TV movie about a haunted house.  Does anyone remember that or care besides Guillermo Del Toro?  It doesn’t matter, he liked it and now he gets to remake it.  Welcome to the era of cinematic karaoke.