In the least surprising move ever, Mattel is capitalizing on the success of Twilight by releasing Twilight-themed Barbie dolls.  Cue product description:

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Twilight has quickly become a worldwide phenomenon developing a strong core base of dedicated fans who are drawn to the story of a Romeo & Juliet style romance between mortal (Bella) and vampire (Edward). Who better to capture the young star-crossed love of these two characters than Barbie & Ken. Edward is luminescent with a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes. Bella doll sold separately. [Toys R Us]

The lion… fell in love with the lamb? Is that a line from Twilight? (it is) That only makes sense if you’re an idiot. We get it, they’re predator and prey.  But if you’re trying to write a super deep metaphor, wouldn’t you use two animals that actually share a habitat, rather than a bastardization of an old proverb about March (or an apt description of my lovemaking style)?  I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as the hero is super white, celibate, and can protect you from dangerous minorities.  Anyway, the Edward doll is genital free and comes equipped with purity ring and friendship grip.

Back in the day, half the reason companies financed movies was so they could sell a bunch of toys based on the movies.  Today’s latest stupid trend is taking a toy and then trying to make a movie out of it. And now Tom Hanks is getting into the game!  Yay, hooray for shameless whoring!

Universal will develop “Major Matt Mason,” a live-action feature based on the vintage Mattel action figure. Pic will be developed as a star vehicle for Tom Hanks, and Graham Yost will write the script.  The toy line originated in 1966; Mason led an astronaut team that worked on the moon and lived in a space station. The toy was a hit in the buildup to the first manned moon mission. Mattel retired the line in the 1970s. [Variety]

Oh, Tom Hanks.  Remember when his talent and everyman charm made him America’s sweetheart?  I think maybe the creepy Nic Cage hairline has seeped into his brain and affected his thinking like Dr. Octopus’ robot arms in Spider-Man 2. ‘Cause when you dance with Nic Cage hair, Nic Cage hair don’t change, Nic Cage hair changes you.

A big reason that a lot of movies suck nowadays is that instead starting with a good original screenplay, some guy who markets toys or video games for a living hires a writer and says, “Make this a movie,” and then hands him the dumbest f-cking idea in the history of the world.  “I want you to do Tarzan, but if I see that f-cker swinging from trees, you’re fired.”  Furthering this tradition is Mattel’s plan to do a Hot Wheels movie, even though someone already made it and it was called, you know, CARS.

With Hot Wheels, “there’s a huge scope of what you can do,” Waldo says. “It’s a billion-dollar brand for us. We want to continue making it relevant for kids.”
Mattel has been considering everything from concepts influenced by films like “Mad Max” and “Fast and the Furious” for the actioner. Despite the fact that Hot Wheels is about cool cars, it won’t be trying to turn them into characters.
“We won’t have the cars talk,” Waldo says. “That would be off brand position for us. It won’t be another ‘Knight Rider,’ I promise that.” [Variety]

Oh, thank goodness.  Wouldn’t want to go off brand position (which is missionary anal, in case you were wondering).  Okay, so the cars don’t talk… Can they dance?  Could they rap?  Maybe they adopt a puppy?   Look, you gotta give me something to work with here, so far all we’ve got is Speed Racer.