"And don't EVER, let them play with my cars."

It should come as no surprise to anyone that Legendary Pictures and Mattel want to make a Hot Wheels movie.  There’ve already been plans to adapt Candyland, Ouija Boards, Battleship (with a $200 million budget), View-Finder, Bazooka Joe, and a dump Jerry Bruckheimer once took that looked like a pigeon, so wanting to make a movie that Pixar already made twice isn’t exactly a shocker. The big question is, which moronic movie producer adjective will they use to describe it? Dark? Gritty? Edgy? Contemporary? In the vein of the 300?

Interest in a Hot Wheels movie is revving up again, with Legendary Entertainment in early negotiations with Mattel to acquire film rights to the popular toy car line.
The deal would keep the project parked at Warner Bros., where Legendary is based.
No director or writers have yet been hired, but the potential pic is not targeted at the kids who buy Hot Wheels. Instead, the plan is to produce an edgier pic along the lines of Universal’s box office success “Fast Five.” [Variety]

Collect your prize, people who had “edgy” in the idiot producer-speak poll (I probably shouldn’t have spoiled this in the headline).  Interesting that they’re targeting the Fast Five audience rather than kids who buy Hot Wheels.  I guess it makes sense.  Adults who buy Hot Wheels probably have more disposable income.  What with the disability checks and such.
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He-Man movie that had been in development at WB and since dropped, has been picked up by Columbia. The blogosphere had been really excited about the last He-Man script, because it was written by the guy who did Street Fighter: The Legend of Chris Klein’s Awful Acting and was described as “Lord of the Rings meets The Matrix meets Batman Begins”.  It’s true, bloggers are stupid.  Meanwhile, Universal and Mattel have announced plans for a movie version of Barbie.  My favorite part of that story was the opening line.

Universal Pictures has added Barbie to its star stable.

Haha, ‘stable’, get it?  Because Barbie is a whore and Universal is a pimp.  A ‘no-good pimp I wouldn’t trust to wash my car,’ specifically.  Anyway, since this news is surprising to precisely no one, let’s all have a good laugh at how they try to justify this.  Sure, I believe you, Universal, you’re just trying to pay your way through college. Now turn around so I can stick another Washington in your cooter.

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It is with swollen balls and hairy chaffed palms that I report this sad news: the entertainment agency CAA has just acquired the rights to Archie Comics Publications. As if the concept of a redheaded teen hooking up with chicks wasn’t already asinine enough on paper, Archie and his pals may soon make their way to the big screen. Per Variety:

Archie Comics Publications has signed with CAA. The agency will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.

Well, at least they’re managing to respect the integrity of the Archie franchise. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about toys here, we’re talking about…about…wait, did they just say f–king “Mattel”?

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You guys will never believe this, but Paramount is greenlighting a movie based on a Mattel toy! To be produced by the guy who directed Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise!

Max Steel revolves around a 19-year-old extreme sports junkie recruited by a secret agency after an accident infects his body with nanobots, making him superhuman.

OOO WHA-AA AA-AA!  I smell franchise potential!  Max Steel II: Double Pits to Chesty!

Although Mattel introduced the character in the U.S. in 1999 as an action figure, and soon after in an animated series that ran from 2000-2002, he’s proved more popular in Latin America, where Max Steel is the region’s No. 1 action figure. Mattel has continued to produce animated direct-to-DVD features for the region.

But Mattel wants to use movies as a way to relaunch the toy line in the U.S. and the rest of the world, [like Transformers]. Mattel was keen on pairing with [executive producer Joe Roth], considering the Max Steel character has similarities to the “XXX” franchise he launched while head of Revolution Studios. The Xander Cage character in the first film was an extreme sports athlete turned spy. [So, Mr. Roth, I can see by your resume that you have sh-tty movie experience.  That's going to be invaluable in this position].

So basically, Max Steel is like the Mexican Triple X.  Triple MexXx, say. Mira, I deed a backfleep on my lawnmower, ése!  And now I gonna paint a virgen on the side with glitter.  MEXXXTREEEME GLITTER! (*shotguns Jarritos, accordion music plays*)

In conclusion, f-ck yourself, Paramount.

In the least surprising move ever, Mattel is capitalizing on the success of Twilight by releasing Twilight-themed Barbie dolls.  Cue product description:

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Twilight has quickly become a worldwide phenomenon developing a strong core base of dedicated fans who are drawn to the story of a Romeo & Juliet style romance between mortal (Bella) and vampire (Edward). Who better to capture the young star-crossed love of these two characters than Barbie & Ken. Edward is luminescent with a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes. Bella doll sold separately. [Toys R Us]

The lion… fell in love with the lamb? Is that a line from Twilight? (it is) That only makes sense if you’re an idiot. We get it, they’re predator and prey.  But if you’re trying to write a super deep metaphor, wouldn’t you use two animals that actually share a habitat, rather than a bastardization of an old proverb about March (or an apt description of my lovemaking style)?  I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as the hero is super white, celibate, and can protect you from dangerous minorities.  Anyway, the Edward doll is genital free and comes equipped with purity ring and friendship grip.