Matt Damon Loves Him Some Teachers

08.02.11 Written by Burnsy

Matt Damon’s mom is a school teacher, therefore Matt Damon loves, appreciates and respects school teachers. That’s why he flew from Vancouver – that’s in Canada – where he is currently filming Elysium, to Washington D.C., where the Million Teacher March took place this past weekend. And it seems that not many math teachers attended, because they were a few teachers away from a million, but that doesn’t matter to us. Not when Damon was kicking ass with his cool shaved head.

After Damon addressed the crowd about the importance of teachers and his mommy told everyone she loves him, the star of Dogma took a moment to chat with a local news reporter, and he got a bit testy about his stance on kids who didn’t bring enough gum for the rest of the class. In all, it was a pretty awesome exchange.

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Steven Soderberg remade Outbreak with Gwyneth Paltrow as the virus, apparently

07.14.11 Written by Vince Mancini

Jesus, how many movies did Steven Soderbergh make this year? He already has Haywire, starring my burly pretend lover Gina Carano coming out in January, and now here’s a trailer for Contagion, which opens in September. Maybe this one didn’t take as long, seeing as how it looks exactly like Outbreak (Update: It has come to my attention that our friend Mike at Screenrant has put together a mash-up on this very subject). The downside is that it has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The upshot is that she dies in the middle of the trailer. Someone must’ve finally called her bluff and gave her a choice between that or letting her kid eat Cup-O-Soup.

Also keep your eyes peeled for the “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT” scene at the 37-second mark. You know that scene. It’s where a minor character, who desperately craves clarification of something he already knows, prefaces a statement with “So let me get this straight…”, in order to deliver important exposition. It’s the fancy screenwriter way of saying, “Are you still with me here, dipsh*ts? Try to keep up.”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE’S A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING FILLED WITH A DEADLY VIRUS… AND IT’S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EIFFEL TOWER?”

“THAT’S RIGHT! …AND MY KID’S IN THERE!”

“LOOKS LIKE THIS TIME… IT’S PERSONAL.”

[next page: bonus gif]
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Tobey Maguire won “$1 million a month” playing illegal poker

06.22.11 Written by Vince Mancini

Tobey Maguire’s double life as a high-stakes poker player is coming to light as a result of an FBI investigation into a an embezzling hedge-fund manager who was also a degenerate gambler (shocking, I know).  Basically, this guy, Brad Ruderman, whose name couldn’t possibly sound more like the name of a douchey hedge-fund manager, lost $25 million of his clients’ money in secret poker games with Hollywood stars like Maguire, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Webster.  Okay, I made that last one up. Now, some of Ruderman’s clients say they’re entitled to Maguire’s winnings, because they were acquired through illegal means, and because the money Ruderman money lost was rightfully theirs.  Yeah, yeah, and America “rightfully” belongs to the Indians, here’s me playing the world’s smallest invisible dick violin with my dismissive wank hand.

As Ruderman sits in a Texas jail until 2018, convicted on two counts of wire fraud and two counts of investment adviser fraud, lawyers for the clients whose funds he embezzled are filing a series of civil suits against those who won big in the illegal poker dens, in the hope of recouping some of their lost savings.
Ruderman lost $311,300 to Maguire, including one losing hand of $110,000, on July 30, 2007, it’s claimed.
The games were “exclusive events, by invitation only, and that there was a regular roster of players consisting of wealthy celebrities, entrepreneurs, attorneys and businessmen,” according to the lawsuit.
Tinsel town A-listers Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon also played in the no-limit Texas Hold ‘em games held on a twice weekly basis in suites at the luxury Beverly Hills hotel, Four Seasons, and the Viper Room on Sunset Boulevard, which had a buy-in of $100,000, multiple members of the ring told Star.  DiCaprio, Affleck and Damon are not being sued.
Others who were part of the secret society and are facing hefty lawsuits include billionaire businessman Alex Gores, The Notebook director Nick Cassavetes, Welcome Back, Kotter star Gabe Kaplan, Paris Hilton’s infamous sex tape partner, Rick Salomon, record label owner Cody Leibel and Las Vegas nightlife entrepreneur and real-estate developer Andrew Sasson, among others.
Maguire won as much as $1 million a month over a period of three years, one source told Star, which is on newsstands Wednesday.
“That means he could have made up to $30 to $40 million from these games,” the whistle-blowing card shark predicted. [RadarOnline]

And I’m sure that’s an accurate estimate, because if there’s one thing I know about poker, it’s that your earnings from it are as constant and reliable as Old Faithful. One Hollywood A-lister whose name you WON’T find among the invitees to the games, however, is Paul Walker, who was no doubt presumed to have an unfair advantage. If you’ve seen any of his movies, you know the one thing that guy’s got going for him is an impenetrable poker face.

RELEVANT

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This Bawston compilation is bettah than those othah queah ones.

04.05.11 Written by Vince Mancini
WHEYAH'D YOU PAHK THE CAAAH, BOOBOOOOOOO!

WHEYAH'D YOU PAHK THE CAAAH, BOOBOOOOOOO!

In the past, a lawt of you quote-unquote readahs have sent me fackin’ links to various “mash-ups” that pahpaht ta make reference to owah faiyah city of Bawston.  But guess what, cawksuckah, YOU AH NAWT THE BAWSS A ME.  Yoah nawt my fawthah, yoah nawt my parole officah, and you ah most definitely nawt my caht-appointed psychologah from Southie, so I don’t gawta fackin’ do nothin’ you say.  If you don’t like it, you can go screw down to the fackin’ hahbah. GO, AND LEAVE MY OBVIOUS FACKIN’ SUPERIAWRITY IN YOAH REAHVIEW.

Irregahdless, it appeahs some jerk off has finally put togethah a hahd-working, blue-collah compilation of moments from Bawston movies that is worthy of owah sinceyah appreciation, and isn’t just a hastily-cawbbled togethah anthawlogy of questionable impahtince.  Finally, a salute to the real heroes of Sawx-town: Gloansy, Squeezbawx, Fitzy, Matt Damon, Boogah Lips O’Shea, Mahky Mahk, Jonesy’s Whowah Sistah, Casey Affleck, Christian Bale, Chris, Dahkie Chris, Wahlberg’s retahded brothah, that queah from the Hurt Lockah, Bitchtits McAllistah, Tawmmy, Wawp Tawmmy, Chris Coopah, Hawss Lips, Matt Damon, and of coahse, Matt Damon.  My only criticism is that the musical selection was nawt “Shippin’ Up to Bawston,” from the soundtrack of The Dapahted.  Oh, I’m sawrry, was that nawt on the jukebawx at yoah queah Hahvahd bah?  YOU DISRESPECT DRAWPKICK, CAWKSUCKAH? FACK YA MOTHAH!

Go Sawx.
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Matt Damon Hates Mike McCarthy

02.07.11 Written by Burnsy

Packers

In honor of my beloved* Green Bay Packers winning the Super Bowl, I thought I’d post this video from yesterday’s pregame ESPN coverage. It’s yet another addition of “Mayne Street” featuring ESPN’s resident dry humorist, Kenny Mayne.

There’s a pretty good looking redhead chick in it, so it’s got that going for it, but other than that it’s pretty… blah. However, it does feature an appearance from Matt Damon, who plays a bitter high school rival of Packers head coach Mike McCarthy. Say what you want about Damon, but I just find the guy so damn charming in completely hetero way, of course. I’m just saying that if he wanted to hang out and play Wii or go to my ex-girlfriend’s office and tell her that we’re best friends now, that would be pretty cool.

UPDATE: OK, the real video is posted. My bad.

Video after the jump…

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