Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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"No, YOUR Oscah's queah."

Matt Damon was set to make his directorial debut with Gold Mist (which I assume is a love story between a queef and a golden shower), co-written by Damon from a first draft by author Dave Eggers (who also wrote Where the Wild Things Are and Away We Go). Only now, Deadline reports that Damon couldn’t commit the time for prep and pre-production, and has handed directing duties to Gus Van Sant, who directed Damon and Affleck’s Oscar-winning screenplay for Good Will Hunting.

The catalyst for the project was John Krasinski, who is making the transition to features as he wraps the final season of the NBC sitcom The Office. Krasinski had an idea for a film that had resonance in the current climate of economic hardship caused by corporate greed. Krasinski paid Eggers to write the first draft, then showed it to Damon and Producer Chris Moore while the latter were making The Adjustment Bureau, which starred Damon and Krasinski’s wife, Emily Blunt.

Gold Mist, is a Capraesque tale in which Damon and Krasinski play rival corporate executives. Damon plays a sales executive who arrives in a small town only to have his whole life called into question. [Deadline]

This is probably unfair, but when I imagine the three of them writing this together, I picture Matt Damon and Dave Eggers bouncing ideas off each other while John Krasinski just sits there making the occasional smug douche face.

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a whopping 14 years since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck became superstars with Good Will Hunting. And while they worked together again in Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (despite what some bloggers think) they’ve been neglecting us for far too long.

Well pine no longer, because they’re back together for a movie about Whitey Bulger. Hey, wasn’t The Departed already about Whitey Bulger?

“We’re doing a Whitey Bulger movie,” Damon says of the leader of South Boston’s Winter Hill Gang, who had been on the lam for 16 years and was wanted for 19 murders, among other things, when he was apprehended in Santa Monica in June. “Warner’s got it for us.”
Damon will star as Bulger, Affleck will direct, and Terence Winter, of The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire fame, is writing the script. Last year, Damon and Affleck cemented a first-look deal with Warner Bros., where their production company is now based.(Via GQ)

Damon and Affleck had earlier been rumored to be reuniting for The Trade, the true story of two New York Yankees pitchers in the 1970s who swapped wives, but according to GQ, development has been hampered by legal challenges (not to mention the obvious hurdle of two Boston guys doing a movie about the Yankees). But of course, it wouldn’t be the Hollywood way to have only one Whitey Bulger project in development. Why, this is a story hot off the presses, that has only been tackled in a wildly successful and critically-acclaimed film once before!

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As we all know, “bought a zoo” is a derogatory euphemism used to describe your dad on the day of your parents’ wedding. What most people don’t know is that We Bought a Zoo is also a new movie starring Matt Damon and famous naked chick Scarlett Johansson, from Cameron Crowe, the acclaimed director of Elizabethtown.

“The sellers say, you don’t really need any special knowledge to run a zoo. What you need is a lot of heart.”

Whoa, was that an actual line of dialog, or did Dear Abby queef? Anyway, the film is based on a memoir by Ben Mee about how he used his life savings to buy a dilapidated zoo in the English countryside. The fact that it’s based on a true story makes it a little better, because otherwise it looks like a weird hybrid of Kevin James vehicle and white Tyler Perry. But it’s Cameron Crow, so who knows. One thing is for certain, it won’t be the worst thing he’s ever done. No, I’m not talking about Elizabethtown. I mean when he made Kate Hudson famous.

Look out! He senses you're a rival!

[HD via Apple]

Academy Award-winning director Steven Soderbergh apparently got drunk with Matt Damon a while back and told him that he was going to retire soon and become a painter. So of course that chatterbox Damon went around telling everyone that Soderbergh was hanging it up, and people were like, “Oh noes, that means Magic Mike and Channing Tatum’s tale of dong flapping is the end.” But don’t worry just yet, because there will be Soderbergh beyond C-Tates.

Despite telling the New York Times that he is retiring to explore “another art form,” Soderbergh still has a full plate. His “everybody’s going to die” virus thriller Contagion opens September 9, and his action effort Haywire, starring C-Tates and Gina Carano, will debut in January. After that, Magic Mike will hit theaters and then Soderbergh will finally retire.

That is, he will retire after he films a big screen version of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and his Liberace biopic, starring Michael Douglas. Once those two projects are finished, though, he is so going to paint the f*ck out of some art. In fact, I even found a little sample of his latest work after the jump.

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