This supercut from Film.com called “The Year’s Worst Movies Review Themselves” is pretty much exactly what it sounds like, and seems like it was fairly straightforward to put together, other than the obvious chore of having to sit through these movies. Dark Shadows sits there in my subconscious, like a repressed molestation memory. Nonetheless, it’s strangely watchable. Unlike most of these movies.
Any day now, a white van is going to pull up to my house. Men in black jump suits will jump out holding butterfly nets and they’ll drag me, kicking and screaming, inside, as the tires screech and my screams of “JOHN CARTER WASN’T THAT BAAAAAAAD….” is the last thing my neighbors hear.
Did you remember that Jennifer Aniston was in Leprechaun? That Jake Gyllenhaal played Billy Crystal’s son in City Slickers? Of course you don’t, you’re not IMDB! (you’re NOT IMDB… are you?). Luckily this supercut is here to take you on an interesting and informative trip down memory lane, where future stars starred in films you don’t remember, where you can see Natalie Portman giving herself a breast exam in “Developing,” a 1994 short film about breast cancer. Just don’t wank to it, she was 13. I mean, I’d hate to see what would happen if PERVERTS got a hold of this footage. This is why I try to offer free breast exams to all the 13-year-olds in my neighborhood. So they never have to appear in films like this. I worry about them, and they know there’s nothing but love in these hands.
Harry Hanrahan over at Pajiba (NERDS!) put together this extremely thorough mash-up video of the 100 Greatest Movie Threats, which is a nice fantasy to live out for a few minutes while you’re saying “right away, boss!” and filling out TPS reports (little do they know, one day you’ll burn that place to the ground). As far as I’m concerned, the entire video could’ve been just the first act of Full Metal Jacket. Though Ryan Phillippe threatening to “f*ck start” a “c*nt’s head” from Way of the Gun is pretty good too. It begs the question: how would one f*ck start something? And what exactly does “start” mean in reference to a head that’s been f*ck started? Can I see a before-and-after comparison of a virgin and f*ck-started head, just to see what I’m dealing with? And once it’s been f*ck started, can it be f*ck stopped? Discuss.
Today someone sent me a link to BadgetotheBone, the official site of Scout’s Honor: Badge to the Bone, a direct-to-DVD movie starring Chris Kattan and Fred Willard that promises to be the dumbest comedy of all time — “seriously, we mean it. This is the dumbest comedy of all time.”
Guys, guys, the product speaks for itself. Also included in this email was the loop clip you see above of Chris Kattan doing one of the strangest line readings I’ve ever seen or heard. I can’t. Stop watching this. I’ve watched it about 10 times now, and it inexplicably gets funnier every time. I think it’s because it raises so many questions: Did he practice that line flub? Could that be possible? Was it accidental? They just left it in the movie like that? Whose idea was this? Why am I covered sow’s blood? Who summoned this demon?
This is worse than when Danger made that Natalie Portman loop that had me grinding my teeth in time to her laugh for like three days. I think I’ve lost my mind. I’ve included the full trailer below, but trust me when I say that it will bring you no closer to understanding. THERE IS NO CONTEXT.
26-year-old former Vimeo developer Casey Pugh recently released this sneak peek at Star Wars Uncut, a 10-minute closeup of David Prowse‘s uncircumcised penis a feature-length re-enactment of Star Wars cut together from user-submitted footage. The project won Pugh and his team an Emmy, which would probably feel like even more of an accomplishment if Sherri Shepard didn’t also have one. That’d be like winning an Olympic gold medal and then seeing the barber give one to a retarded kid for sitting still.
Pugh began the online project last year that invited Star Wars fans to submit their own versions of 15-second scenes from the movie and then pieced the scenes together again. First, he divided up Star Wars into 15-second scenes, then compiled the best reenactments of each scene and combined them into a full movie remake of Stars Wars, A New Hope.
The team has a fully edited version of the movie produced, but they’re working through certain legal issues before they can release it. The Uncut Team of 7, mostly designers and developers from Brooklyn plan to make more Uncut Movies soon. One might naturally expect an Uncut Strikes Back in the near future. [FasterTimes]
I hear Montana Fishburne is hoping to work with the Uncut Team of 7 soon, but she may be a little unclear on the concept. ZING! Hey, who threw that cream pie? It hit me right in the monkey fufu. Anyway, I actually thought this was kind of lame until Han Solo dog showed up. MORE DOGGIES IN COSTUMES, PLZ.