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Marvel just released two new big character banners for The Avengers, aka The Great Joss Whedon Experiment, and they look great, though I wish they would’ve put the Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) frame and the Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner) frame right next to each other. That way it’d look like he’s trying to listen to her ass with a stethoscope. Oh, Ruffles, you cheeky ass listener. Can you hear it now? The creak of its supple pert tautness? Oh you better believe he’d science you. He’d science you hard. (With his disheveled penis).

Meanwhile, I still can’t figure out what the hell Hawkeye’s job is going to be on this team. (Yes, I know, “Hawkeye is the surgeon,” hilarious MASH reference.) I’m already taking a pretty big leap of faith with the whole iron jetpack suit, magic shield, hot girl who beats up dudes, and mystical viking who can propel himself through the air by swinging a hammer, but a guy who shoots arrows? I don’t doubt that he’s very good at it, I just want to know one situation in which a bow and arrow would be preferable to a gun. Hmm, let’s see, so it holds half as many projectiles, which take twice as long to shoot, go half as fast, and are made of wood? Sorry, Hawkeye, we’re going to have to replace you. We had to go with “Redneck Man.” He owns two shotguns.

[Yahoo. Opens May 4th]

For Thor, Marvel made the somewhat inspired choice of Kenneth Branagh for director, a guy known mostly for making Shakespeare movies. I thought it mostly paid off, and Branagh ended up making a movie that didn’t blow anyone’s mind, but was well acted and mostly entertaining. It was… cute. Considering the Fantastic Four movies and Schumacher’s Batmen, a movie as watchable as Thor about a second-tier character like Thor is an achievement. With that in mind, Marvel’s choice for the director of Thor 2 is Patty Jenkins. …Wait, who? Is that Leroy’s daughter?

Jenkins is an interesting choice. The director’s 2003 drama “Monster,” which she also wrote, yielded the Academy Award for Best Actress for star Charlize Theron.
Of course, the movie, about serial killer Aileen Wournos, had a budget of $8 million. The first “Thor” picture had a budget about 19 times larger — $150 million.
Jenkins was nominated for an Emmy for directing the pilot of AMC’s “The Killing,” and has directed “Entourage” and “Arrested Development.”
More recently, she directed “Pearl,” one of five vignettes that make up Lifetime’s original film “Five.”
Jenkins’s take on [Thor] is scheduled for a November 13, 2013 release. [Yahoo]

Monster was about a prostitute-turned-serial killer, The Killing was about detectives investigating the murder of a teenage girl, and “Five” was a TV movie about the impact of breast cancer on a series of women (Jennifer Aniston directed one of the vignettes). If I was Natalie Portman’s character, I’d be investing in a rape whistle right about now.

Said Marvel chief Kevin Feige, “We wanted someone that the fans would be completely indifferent to.”

Probably.

The first trailer for The Avengers is here and you know it’s a big deal because iTunes finally offered an embeddable video player (seriously, we’ve been waiting for this for like four years). Marvel’s great experiment in turning over their biggest project to Joss Whedon, a guy known mainly for cult shows that get cancelled before the mainstream ever sees them, stars Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, and Mark “Ruffalo Bill” Ruffalo. I’ve never actually seen a Joss Whedon show, so this is particularly exciting for me.

First impressions: It looks like Loki from Thor is the villain, which is… odd. And the lighting looks really bright and even in every scene, like they’re shooting a superhero sitcom.

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Disney’s second D23 Expo took place in Anaheim over the weekend, and I’m sad I missed it because I love self-congratulatory industry circle jerks run by the marketing department (especially when they serve sliders!). Luckily, there’s this thing called the internet where the people who did go can SHARE THE NEWS FOR ALL! What an incredible time it is to be alive. Here’s your rundown:

Hot on the heels of the set pictures that hit over the weekend, The Avengers cast was on hand for a sneak peek. One thing is certain: Chris Hemsworth is still tall and handsome with piercing blue eyes and oh god can’t stop imagining what he smells like. So… do these people actually get to film a movie between attending conventions? |Hitfix|

Up co-director Pete Docter is set to direct “The Untitled Pixar Movie That Takes You Inside The Mind.” ThePlaylist reports taht Little Miss Sunshine/Toy Story 3 writer Michael Arnt is writing the script. I’m expecting Inception with less (*braaaahm*)s, and more talking dogs. |/Film|

Up‘s OTHER co-director, Bob Peterson (who also voiced Dug the Dog), will direct a film that takes place in a modern world where dinosaurs never went extinct. It’d be cool if the dinosaurs stomped around wrecking sh*t, but knowing Pixar, they’ll probably just be super cute. |USAToday|

John C. Reilly to voice “Wreck-It Ralph”, a CG-animated feature about an 8-bit arcade game villain desperate to change his image who invades other arcade games trying to become a hero. John C. Reilly is pretty much the best, and if you disagree I’m duty bound to fight you. I also have my fingers crossed for a Billy Mitchell cameo. His hot sauce tastes like America. |CinemaBlend|

Details about Brave, Pixar’s next release, which is still almost a year away. It’s definitely about a “tough girl badass”, but hopefully Pixar will do a better job with it than Salt, Hanna, Colombiana, Haywire, and the other six thousand movies with that same plot. |/Film|

Footage screened from Frankenweenie, Tim Burton’s stop-motion, 3D-animated, black-and-white film about a zombie dog. I love dogs, but I think wiener dogs are my least favorite. Is that racist? Discuss. |ComingSoon|

All along, my hopes for Captain America haven’t been too high because they hired Joe Johnston to direct it, but this newly-released fight scene clip (aptly titled “Shield Fight”) might be enough to give us false hope for another day. The music is cheesy and overdone and ridiculous, and the Nazis seem to be shooting plasma guns for some reason, but the lack of shaky-cam is promising. And if you’re some kind of bullsh*t liberal arts major, there’s probably a thesis to be written about the symbolism of the personifaction of America running around kicking the sh*t out of everyone with a shield. “WHAT? I’M JUST DEFENDING MYSELF!”

Oh, and what was up with the guy who gets hit in the chest with the shield who falls forward? That thing must be made out of the same material as the bullet that killed Kennedy. And by Kennedy I mean JFK, not the MTV VJ. She of course died of dysentery.

[More clips available at IGN]