In a move that will come as a surprise to only the most dullardly of beef-headed lumpskulls, Disney CEO Bob Iger today announced plans to develop a sequel to The Avengers. I could’ve sworn they’d already discussed plans for Avengers 2, but it could’ve just been the multiple, blatant sequel-setting, post-credits scenes, or the fact that Marvel had been teasing an Avengers movie since Iron Man 1, or maybe just ’cause I drink.

An Avengers sequel? Are you kidding? The first one made $207 million this weekend, we’ll be lucky to get less than seven of them. X-Men made $54 million in its opening weekend, and they’ve already made five of those. They’ll be making Avengers sequels for the next decade, even if they have to get Brett Ratner’s cousin to direct one.

Still, I enjoyed The Avengers quite a bit, so I’m cautiously optimistic for part two. And I’ve got my fingers crossed for a Thorgi cameo. It’s never too early to start the letter-writing campaign.

Oh, just the Hulk disemboweling a plane, nbd.

(No, There Aren’t Any Spoilers)

The first thirty minutes of The Avengers are painfully boring, but then the Hulk starts smashing stuff, and there’s a giant robot space worm that jizzes flying demon bikes and after that it was awesome! Perhaps this won’t win me any Pulitzers, but that’s my professional opinion.

“We have a Hulk!” Tony Stark yells in the previews. Yes, they do, and thank God. Without him, this wouldn’t be much of a movie. The first act is every bit the esoteric circle jerk the Whedon haters worried it would be, a mish-mash of nonsensical comic-book procedural minutiae, periodically interrupted by winky in-jokes ranging from the sorta cute-funny to the nauseatingly kitschy.

“Loki has stolen the tesseract! It looks like he’s planning to implode the hydro weapon and use gamma rays to create ion fusion!

“But if he creates ion fusion, it could….”

“That’s right! It would awaken the Chitauri and bring about terra forma!”

“SOMETHING SOMETHING MACGUFFIN, WE HAVE TO REVERSE THE POLARITY!”

(*Tony Stark looks directly into the camera*)

“…F*ck yeah we do.” (*lip bite, hip thrust, gun fingers*)

Read the rest of this entry »

Marvel just released a new short clip from The Avengers, which opens April 26th in the UK and May 4th here in North ‘Murka. I put it after the jump in case you’re trying to avoid all spoilers until it comes out. In the clip, director Joss Whedon shows that the best way to make a 120-pound girl beating up four guys while tied to a chair seem believable isn’t making her seem tougher, it’s distracting us the whole time wondering whether one of her boobs might pop out. A wise strategy, as it turns out. (*taps finger to temple, cups hands in front of chest*)

Read the rest of this entry »

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Okay, I don’t like to bore you guys with too much of the behind-the-scenes around these parts, but just to clarify, I wasn’t lying when I said that I was moving this feature to Wednesdays. It’s just that I wrote up the whole thing Wednesday, hit ‘Publish,’ and instead of actually publishing, the entire post decided to disappear. Which was super convenient, since this post takes longer than half a week’s posts combined. So that was awesome for me. But again, look for This Week in Posters and Stills on Wednesdays. I’ll do my best to grab all the latest posters, one-sheets, set photos, promo stills and the occasional trailer where applicable, in the hopes of giving you a nice overview of the films that are out there, accompanied by my usual smartass captions to help the pill go down. PHEW! We clear now? Good.

DARK SHADOWS: Here’s the first of a big new batch of character posters from Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows. The consensus seems to be that this looks terrible (and generally speaking, trying to adapt cult stuff from 50 years ago that’s already been referenced many times since is a recipe for disaster), but… if you ask me, Dark Shadows looks better than most of Burton’s other recent output. I’ll take this over Frankweenie, for instance. I mean, everyone has super pale skin and ghostly lips, but… at least they’re not desaturated with occasional pops of red this time, right? Baby steps. As long as we view all future Tim Burton projects only in the context of other Tim Burton projects, he should be fine.

Read the rest of this entry »

To be honest, I’m still on the fence about the whole Avengers thing, but with Joss Whedon directing, it turns out every new tidbit is like nerd catnip, so here’s your breathless coverage. As they say, daddy ain’t allergic to cash money, and neither is mommy’s cooter (mommy being my favorite stripper, Darla). The new trailer after the jump is in German, but it does have a couple new scenes, and Latino Review helpfully provides your translation. Wait, did you say Latino? (*locks car doors*)

First, there’s an extended dialogue between Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. Here’s the translation:

Tony: And following orders is obvious not my style.
Cap: And everyone knows that style is all you care about.
Tony: From all the people around here, who wears the most figure-hugging outfit?

The second addition is the last scene. Stark is literally prodding Bruce Banner testing his patience, trying to get Banner to Hulk out. This is the translation:

Tony: I promise a stress-free environment. No surprises.
Banner: Ow!
Cap: Hey!
Tony: You really got it under control, don’t you. What’s your secret? Relaxing Jazz, Bongo Drums?
Cap: Is everything like a joke to you?
Tony: If it’s funny!

Read the rest of this entry »