(“Jeez, Leanahdo, didjou just faht?”  “Dat’s right.”)

Shutter Island landed atop the box office for the second week in a row with $22.2 million, a modest drop of 44% from its first weekend — the big question was whether it’d perform like a horror movie, which usually drop like a rock the second weekend.  The answer seems to be no.  Said Mark Ruffalo, “Hey Leanahdo, somthin about this island seems queah.”  “You’re right, Mahk, an I’m gonna get to da bawtum of it.  GO SAWX!”

Meanwhile, Kevin Smith, fresh off more flops than your mom’s fat titties (Zack & Miri, Jersey Girl) had his highest-grossing opening ever with Cop Out earning $18.6 million (despite largely negative reviews).  And to think, all they had to do was just not mention it was a Kevin Smith movie or let him do press or use his name in the marketing material at all.

The Crazies earned decent money with $16 million in its first weekend, and even more surprisingly, got pretty good reviews.  It’s exciting because maybe now, people can finally start making zombie movies.  They hardly ever get made and they’re always so… uh… good.  And totally not boring. *pulls crossed fingers out of ass*

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It’s always nice to start the week with good news and though I don’t have your STD test results, I can tell you that a Martin Scorsese film (Shutter Island) wiped its ass with Ashton Kutcher’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape at the box office.  Shutter Island‘s $40.2 million opening weekend was a career best for both Scorsese and DiCaprio.  Reached for comment, Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane said, “To celebrate, Me n Leanahdo n Mahty ah gonna go pahty with some hookahs and then kill the sonovabitch priest who molested my daughtah.”

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day suffered a massive 70% drop from last weekend, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but with an $87.5 million domestic gross thus far on a $52 million budget, it’s probably not enough to keep the mullahs who financed it from making another one.  And who wants to bet this kid won’t be blowing guys for heroine in a couple years?  “C’mon, man, make it $20, I was in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.”  Just what the world needs, another drug-addicted former child star.  Or worse, Danny Masterson.

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I was trying to avoid this story, but it’s all over the internet.  I think my mom even emailed it to me along with that Susan Boyle clip and the hugging lion.  Anyway, the story is, Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro are remaking Taxi Driver.  Or at least, Danish director Lars von Trier wants them to.

The idea is similar to the film “The Five Obstructions” that Von Trier and Danish helmer Jorgen Leth made in 2003. In that film, Von Trier challenged his colleague Leth to do a remake of his own 1967 film “The Perfect Human.” Von Trier gave Leth the task of remaking five times, each time with a different obstacle, such as making the film animated, or setting it in Cuba. In the new project, Von Trier will challenge Scorsese and De Niro to remake their 1976 classic “Taxi Driver.”

The story took on a life of its own after a Danish newspaper published an interview in which Peter Aalbaeck Jensen, von Trier’s business partner and executive producer, said he could neither confirm nor deny the rumors. ”There will be a statement coming shortly,” he said — although another Danish source confirmed the collaboration.

Over the weekend, when Scorsese was doing press in Berlin, he did not mention the Von Trier project, as discussion focused on features in pre-production, such as a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick’s novel “The Invention of Hugo Cabret.” [Variety]

So basically, the only one talking about this so far is Lars von Trier.  It’s all part of our ongoing segment, “Shut up, Lars von Trier.”   Oh the Danish.  ”Jä, jä, øønt zeess time, perhapz Travis Bickle isht Gayn-gger from Outer Schpace.”

UPDATE:  Ooh, big shocker here, looks like none of this is happening.

(“Matthew, I need you to change your name…and that stupid face, alright?”)

Stop working on that sh–ty Boston accent already and listen up, because I’ve got Martin Scorsese movie news to curb stomp you with. The Oscar-jerking director is currently in talks to adapt author Brian Selznick’s children’s book The Invention of Hugo Cabret.

Story centers on a 12-year-old orphan named Hugo, who lives in a train station and must finish what his late father started by solving the mystery of a broken robot.[Variety]

Okay, I’m sold. Throw the phrases “lives in a train station” with “mystery of the broken robot”* and I can’t help but just hand you my wallet. Similarly, waving a gun in my face has the same affect.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret would reunite Scorsese with Graham King, producer of The Departed, working off another script from The Aviator scribe, John Logan. Sounds like a pretty solid roster for any film, despite the fact that the screenplay comes from a guy with two first names.

-chodin

*which coincidentally is also my girlfriend’s euphemism for when I can’t get hard.

Awright, listen up ya queahs, Shuttah Island has a new trailah.  I don’t gotta tell you dat I gawt a majah fackin hahd on for this movie ’cause it’s from Mahtin Scoah Seas, the fackin’ guy who directed The Fackin’ Depahted, an it’s fackin’ set in fackin’ Bawston again. GO SAWX!  This one’s gawt Leanahdo Di Caprio, Special K, Ruffo, and that othah queah from the Watchmen — that movie was wicked queah.  It’s like, if I wanted to stayuh at fackin’ blue cawcks fa two houahs, I’d take Tawmy an’ Caspah an’ Squeezebawx down to da fackin’ hahbah an go skinny dippin’ in fackin’ wintah.  Am I fackin’ right oar am I fackin’ right?

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