So this clip comes from WhitePrideTV, calling itself “The Andrew Show, a Show for White Kids.”  I saw the intro and I was all, “Hey, I’m a white kid!”  But then I watched it, and all Lights Camera Jackson‘s cousin over here (Andrew Pendergraft) could talk about was how Marmaduke is racist.  He sounded British at first, and I thought, “A British racist kid on TV?  That seems weird.  Maybe he’s South African.”  (Is that racist?  To think racist kids could only come from certain countries?)  But then I found out he’s just a kid from Arkansas with a speech impediment (he’s actually the grandson of the national Klan leader).  (*sigh*) The truth is always so much more banal.

“Then the dog and his family moves to California.  So the dad takes his dog to the dog park to meet his boss.  So there is this one spot where only certain dogs can be at.  So the one dog at the end of the movie, goes up to the dogs at their tewwitowwy and says that the dogs’ tewwitowwy shouldn’t be they-ows, and that all dogs should be they-ow.  So it’s like different races come and say that white people shouldn’t have their own land, and that other races should have it.  Now, before I go, if you have anything you want to tell me… [gives out his email address..]“

And then he just sort of trails off and plays a CCR song like a stoned substitute teacher I once had. I don’t know what offends me more, that his parents indoctrinated him with this silly, racist world view that keeps him from enjoying a modern classic such as Marmaduke, or that they managed to do it without also teaching him how to talk.  This is America, kid.  Speak English or get out.

Aww, baby's first cross burning

[via videogum]

(“Put the stems over my ears, you f*cking amateurs.”)

If you’re new to Filmdrunk, there’s this game we like to play: take an awful movie we’ll never see, and recreate the plot using only expository quotes (no analysis!) from other people’s reviews.  It tends to be… enlightening.  For today’s edition, it was a toss up between Killers and Marmaduke.  I went with Marmaduke (we’ll save Killers for Monday, perhaps).  The trouble is, a Great Dane farting on stuff isn’t very, shall we say, plot heavy.  It’s more fart heavy.  As such, the reviews tend more towards dog puns (“Between this assignment and “Marley and Me,’’ Owen Wilson should be checked for fleas”) than actual exposition.  Basically, I’m saying I did my best, but I had to cheat a little, like your parents’ marriage.

Like “Sex and the City 2,” “Marmaduke” features well-coifed bitches in heat, nonstop puns and its very own Mr. Big. [NYPost]

A few minutes into the movie, Marmaduke releases an explosive bit of flatulence in his owners’ bed.  [WashingtonPost]

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The guy who wrote “Marmaduke Explained,” who goes by Joe Mathlete, recently wrote a piece about people always asking him about the Marmaduke movie.  It’s really long and covers a lot of ground, but I thought a couple of points were particularly interesting.  For instance:

“If there exists a finer metaphor for the creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film system than a movie based on a half-century old comic strip that has been recycling the same five gags since blacks and whites had separate drinking fountains, I cannot imagine it.”

He goes on to do a run down of what movies are coming out this summer that, like Marmaduke Explained, is little more than a deadpan statement of obvious facts, and yet incredible.  I added the bullet points.

• Sex and the City 2 (sequel to a movie based on a TV show based on a book based on newspaper articles)
• Iron Man 2 (sequel to a movie based on a 2nd-tier comic book)
• Jonah Hex (based on a 5th-tier comic book)
• The A-Team (based on a campy 80s TV action show)
• Macgruber (based on a series of TV comedy skits based on a campy 80s TV action show)
• Robin Hood (beyond being basically a Bible story in terms of freshness, it’s also for all intents and purposes a sequel to the film Gladiator)
• Step Up 3D (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!)
• Toy Story 3 (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!)

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Marmaduke has a new poster out, and as you can see, it’s a shot across the bow of all other family comedies.  The days of your half-assed, one-animal-in-sunglasses poster designs are numbered.  Marmaduke has changed the game.  Upped the ante.  Raised the bar. Put MORE SUNGLASSES on MORE ANIMALS! (*air guitar*) The world demands it.  This makes the Fonz jumping a shark on waterskis look like the PC guy from the PC and Mac commercials filling out a census form.  TWO ANIMALS IN SUNGLASSES?!?!  THIS JUST ISN’T DONE!  IT’S TOO IN MY FACE!  It’s like if Slash and Eddie Van Halen were both in the same band and both shredding double-necked guitars while doing wheelies on motorcycles and frotting. BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY AND ALL OF YOUR CATS, DOGS, AND LLAMAS!

(*hyperventilates from too many animals in sunglasses*)

Oh man.  I feel like I’ve died and gone to AWESOME RADICAL DOG MOVIE HEAVEN!  (*air guitar*) That’s because Yahoo just released a full trailer for Marmaduke, starring that guy from The Fall, Owen Wilson as Marmaduke, George Lopez as Carlos the Cat, Fergie as some bitch, and playing himself, Academy Award nominee William H. Macy (*cocks dog head to the side quizzically*) .  Talking animals?  Check.  Popular songs?  You know it.  Elaborate animal dance numbers in CGI?  Duh. A great Dane surfing??  CHECK AND MATE, MOTHERF*CKER!

WHY IS THIS NOT IN 3D?  I DEMAND TO HAVE MY OPTICAL NERVE F*CKED DOGGYSTYLE BY SURFING DOGS IN SUNGLASSES!   Sorry.  Sorry.  I’ll calm down.  Dog movies just get me really fired up is all.  When I die, I want “Ron Perlman as Chupadogra” on my tombstone.

Five years from now, William H. Macy is going to be really tired of answering, “I’ve always wanted to know… did you do your own stunts in Marmaduke?”