I’ve already posted a bunch of TV Spots and trailers for Stephen Sommers’ epically ill-advised G.I. Joe movie, and this new one’s only slightly different. That’s why I’ve helpfully set the video to skip the foreplay and start at the most hilarious part! Get it? Marlon Wayans fell down! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who says you can’t have laughs in an action movie?

I was also sitting here trying to figure out what song was playing during the next scene, because even though whatever it was had been thoroughly Linkin Park-ified it, the riff sounded strangely familiar. Then I realized: it’s “Crazy Train.” Because they crazily jump through a train, you see. I hope whoever came up with that one was rewarded with a red ball or a herring.

UPDATE: Commenter Bradyohnine correctly points out that the song is “Undead” by Hollywood Undead. But the riff in that song is still the opening riff from “Crazy Train.” I can demonstrate on guitar for you if you’d li– Hey! Where’s everyone going?

I haven’t covered Dance Flick that much, which is a shame because it opens today.  Here’s a new clip.  It should be a really good movie because it comes from Shawn and Marlon Wayans, and they’re the guys who launched  Seltzer-Friedberg and made White Chicks.  Their latest stars Shoshanna Bush, which is a funny name, because “Shoshanna” is the sound I imagine a bush making.  So that’s all the word-association humor I’ve got for now.  I honestly expected this to be a lot worse.

The French trailer for Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe has hit the web, and it’s pure adrenaline.  And did you know?  Adrenaline is made up of two parts CGI with three parts expository dialog. Hiring the Van Helsing director was a great idea. Here’s an actual transcript I made of the trailer:

“I want the warheads ready to launch in one hour.  When I’m finished, this world will never forget.”

“The French are pretty upset.”
“Of course they’re upset!”

“We have never faced a threat like this.  A team is being assembled.  They are the best operatives in the world.  When all else fails… we don’t.”
“I want in.”

“Standing in front of you, are Delta 6 Accelerator Suits.”
“What’s it accelerate?”
“YOU.”

“This is General Hawk.  Mission is a go.”
“Here they come.”
“GO! GO! GO!”
“We’re running out of time!  Eject!”
“This is only just begun.” [sic]

This. Is. Going. To be. Awesome. They clearly ripped a page out of the George Lucas Star-Wars-Episode-I manual of dialogue writing.  It makes things really exciting, because even if you have to look for something under your seat during the movie, you’ll still know what’s going on because the characters shout about whatever they’re doing at any given time.I’m typing as fast as I can! Look out, everyone! (*explosion*)

Marlon Wayans vs. Terrence Howard.  Hat fight.  Who ya got??

Remember when Damon and Keenan Ivory Wayans were on In Living Color and it was funny?  Well the past is gone.  Now we have Marlon, collector of hats and responsibility for some of the worst movies ever made.  If the Wayans were Belushis, they’d be in their Jim period.

Where can a brother find some clothes with no mixed fibers?  Marlon Wayans will try to answer that question as he comes on to star in and produce “The Year of Living Biblically” for Paramount. Plan B picked up rights to A.J. Jacobs’ best-selling nonfiction book in 2005, two years before it was published by Simon & Schuster.

For the book, subtitled “One Man’s Humble Quest to Obey the Bible as Literally as Possible,” Jacobs spent a year attempting to live by the rules of the Old and New Testaments, with comic and enlightening results. [THR]

The bible, eh?  Isn’t there something in there about throwing rocks at people who suck?  Or something like that?  It’s been a while and I didn’t read it all, but that was the part I remembered.

[Editor's Note: I have to give the edge to Terrence Howard on account of the Sheik's robe]

This new set of G.I. Joe posters features Duke, Ripcord, Baronness, Scarlett, and Snake Eyes, played by Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Ray Park, and Rachel Nichols, respectively.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why are they dressed like they’re going Xtreme Motorcrossing?”  To that I say: it’s a G.I. Joe movie from the guy who did Van Helsing.  I’d be surprised if there wasn’t Xtreme Motorcross.

[via AICN]