THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Alvin and the Chipmunks, more Hunger Games posters than a rational person could ever want, Mark Wahlberg, Elite Squad, and some other stuff.

This poster: Simon is dressed so bro-y in this, those glasses aren’t nearly enough to keep him from looking like he’s at a fraternity formal. “Hey, bro, you been down to the cabana bar yet? There’s so much hot tail down there, bro, I just wanna stuff it all in my cheeks and save it till next spring. After we finish these coconut shooters, I’m gonna head down there with Ox, Dozer, Mike P, and Pinkeye to meet up with those Theta skanks from the flip cup tournament if you wanna roll. Sack up, pussy! It’s gonna be sick!”

Wait, is that the plot of this? Because I would totally watch that. “ALLLLVIIINN! Wake up, bro, those DG sluts wanna invite us to their foam party!”

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The tagline underneath the green Wahlberg nutsack logo is "our family. our story. our burgers." Seriously.

Having to sit on the sidelines while Burnsy wrote up that last story about Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Whitey Bulger gave me a serious case of Boston-vernacular blue balls. BUT GUESS WHAT, CAWKSUCKAH! MAHKY MAHK JUST OPENED HIS FACKIN’ BURGAH RESTRINT, AND I’M HEAH TA COVER IT! POW! FEEL IT, FEEL IT!

Seriously though, remember “Wahlburgers?” The restaurant chain that Mark and Donny Wahlberg decided to start discovered in New York and stole for their brother, Paul (pictured, center)? Well, it had its gala opening last night in Hingham Shipyard. AND I CAN EXCLUSIVELY REPAWT THAT THEY SERVE THE BEST FACKIN BURGAHS IN MASS! RIGHT NEAH DA FACKIN’ HAHBAH! ALL THE MOVIE STAHS AND SAWX PLAYAHS WERE THEYAH! IT WIZ LIKE THE ENTOURAGE OF BURGAH JOINTS, ONLY MOAH CLASSIAH!

The brothers Wahlberg – at least a few of them – joined mom Alma at last night’s opening of Wahlburgers, the clan’s new “casual food” franchise in Hingham.

“At least a few of them?” There were four in the pictures – Mark, Donny, Paul, and Jim – how many goddamn brothers are there? These Irish, they’re like pale, drunk Mexicans. (Factual note: there are nine Wahlberg siblings).

“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing a menu that includes a Triple Decker. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)

Triple deckah, like owah house! Awl owah burgahs ah named aftah facets of owah Wahlberg childhood. WAITAH! BRING ME A DELINQUENCY MELT WITH EXTRA SHOUTING! MAHKY’S GONNA THROW IT AT AN AWRIENTAL!

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Aside from being a pretty good director, David O. Russell has two main claims to fame: calling Lily Tomlin a c*nt, and always casting Mark Wahlberg in his movies (all of them since Three Kings — Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees, and The Fighter). While he’ll always be the Lily Tomlin-c*nt guy, the latter has reportedly changed, and if TheWrap is to be believed, Marky Mark is none to pleased about it.

Hollywood heavyweight [and real-life welterweight -Ed.] Mark Wahlberg has fallen out with his buddy director David O. Russell over the director’s decision to cast someone else in the lead of his new film, “The Silver Linings Playbook,” according to two individuals with knowledge of the relationship.

What, ah you too good fa Maahk Wahlberg now, cawksuckah? I FACKIN MADE YOU!

“They went with Brad Cooper because they felt he was hungrier and would work for cheaper,” Matt Muzio, Russell’s cousin and frequent collaborator, told TheWrap.
Muzio also fell out with the director recently, but said he was with Russell this summer on Martha’s Vineyard when the decision was made. Another individual close to Wahlberg confirmed the information.

BRADLEY FACKIN’ COOPAH? YOAH GONNA BURN ME FOAH THAT PRETTY FACKIN’ BLUE-EYED MAWMMA’S BOY? …I shoulda known you’d do me just like ya done yoah cousin, Matty da Wawp.

Wahlberg’s deal provided that he was to be paid an additional $900,000 if Anne Hathaway fell out of the project, according to two individuals with knowledge of the deal. Hathaway did indeed drop out, making Cooper the less expensive option to Wahlberg.
Wahlberg was paid a fee anyway, though another executive said it was because of his creative contribution to the Weinstein Co. project.
The decision to cast Cooper surprised Muzio and others because Wahlberg has been one of Russell’s most loyal friends in Hollywood, bringing him in on his pet project, “The Fighter,” after years of Russell being sidelined.
“If it weren’t for ‘The Fighter,’ ‘Silver Linings’ wouldn’t exist,” Muzio said.

Yeah, and if it weren’t for David O. Russell, The Fighter probably wouldn’t have been any good, so…

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In what sounds like the awesomest, movie-themed food truck idea we never came up with, Mark Wahlberg, along with his brother Donnie Wahlberg, will be opening a restaurant called “Wahlburgers.” Their other brother, Paul (that’s him on the left, with their mom and… uncle?), will be head chef. Also working there, I imagine, will be an assahtmint of cousins, knawckarounds, an hahd ons from the neighbahhood, such as Squeezebawx, Caspah, Tawmmy, Wawp Tawmmy, Snawtlips, Dahkie Mike, Skidmahks, Richie Three Balls, Elbows, The Gooch, Fruity Pete, Gene, and Johnny Bitchtits.

Hingham chef Paul Wahlberg, brother of actor Mark and New Kid on the Block Donnie [ouch. -Ed], has cleared a major legal hurdle in opening his new hamburger restaurant — securing the name, Wahlburgers, which had been previously trademarked.
“It just works,” said Ed St. Croix, Wahlberg’s business partner. “It’s a good-sounding brand we could put out the product with, a great name people could relate to.” [by which I mean ridicule]
St. Croix said the restaurant’s ownership approached [pelted with batteries? showered with verbal abuse?] Tom Wahl’s, a chain of burger joints based in Rochester, N.Y., a few months ago after they discovered it sold a product called the “Wahlburger.”
“We were definitely surprised,” St. Croix said. “It was a thing we had talked about for several years.”
The Wahlburgers’ group secured “full spectrum” use of the name, St. Croix said, but wouldn’t discuss financial terms of the deal, or any other details.
The group, which includes chef Paul and his famous brothers, also had some backup names, just in case it wasn’t able to secure the rights to Wahlburgers, but St. Croix wouldn’t divulge them for fear of confusing the issue.
Wahlburgers is slated to open soon at the Hingham Shipyard, across from the group’s Italian restaurant, Alma Nove, named in honor of the Wahlbergs’ mom and her nine kids. The group is also planning to open a pizza joint next spring. [BawstonGlobe via Movieline]

HEY MAHKY, SOME QUEAH’S IS SELLIN’ BUHGUHS, AN THEYUH CALLIN EM WAHLBUHGUHS!

Wahlbuhguhs? Wheyah?

In New Yawk.

New Yawk?!? Fack that cawksuckah. Let’s buy him out, and take his queah restrint back ta Mass.

Great idear, we’ll put it right neah da fackin’ hahbah.

Go Sawx?

Go Sawx.

(*shawts*)

Casting America’s most blue-eyed WASP Bradley Cooper as the mixed-race goth icon in The Crow remake is one of the dumber ideas to come out of Hollywood, a town built on terrible ideas. Now Cooper is out, supposedly because of scheduling (though I prefer to think that he finally came to his handsome senses thanks to one of those Limitless pills). Now the actors being named as possible replacements are… Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg (who was basically C-Tates before C-Tates was C-Tates). Yes, I’m sure fans of The Crow will be delighted either way…

Bradley Cooper was to have played the title character but sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that he has now exited due to scheduling conflicts. Cooper has David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook shooting this fall and then dives straight into Legendary’s Paradise Lost, which shoots first quarter next year…the exact time Relativity plans on making the high-priority Crow.
But akin to the project’s rock musician who is killed and resurrected [editor's note: no, not really like that at all...], two new names have surfaced as possible replacements: Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg. [THR]

They don’t say why those names are being mentioned or by whom, but if true, it sounds like this project has gone from WASP to whigger! And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that “From WASP to Whigger” would make an awesome reality show on VH-1 in which Channing Tatum takes a Northeastern blue blood and turns him into the white Flava-Flav of a Florida strip mall (with special guest Chet Haze!). Holy crap, thank God I’m already writing this down.