Mahky Mahk gawt notawriously ripped fa ris new movie, no doubt aided by the fact that he’s gawt shawt little ahms like a T-Rex – all the bettah to rip you da fack apaht wit, GO SAWX. But then at the Pain & Gain premiere (as pictured in this image, courtesy of TheSuperficial) it seems the Wahlburgers co-financier finally found a way to make his arms look longer.

Wait, there are dwarves in Pain & Gain? I wasn’t exactly surprised, but I had to know more, so I asked intern Zeke, who I sent to see the film. Here is a brief transcript of our conversation:

ZEKE: So what happens: The three dudes want to break into Tony Shaloub’s motel room. They threaten to kill the snobby teen clerk who we see reading a book, so he just gives them the key. The three are followed to the room by the dwarf dude. The Rock f*cks him up, strangles him, totally brutalizes him, and then they leave.

ME: Wait, so the hotel owner is a dwarf?

ZEKE: No, no, the clerk was reading a book and being snobby until the three threatened him. The dwarf thought he could out tough them. But they are body builders so The Rock proved him wrong instantly by picking the dwarf up by his throat and holding him there and strangling him and throwing him around.

ME Yeah, but where did the dwarf come from?

ZEKE: The dwarf has already been established as working at the motel. The dwarf comes out of nowhere in this scene though.

I’m glad I could take you all on this journey with me. Meanwhile, this scene is actually Michael Bay’s world in a nutshell. I sent my intern because after seeing a 30-second trailer for Pain & Gain, I was pretty sure I knew everything there was to know about that movie. See, once upon a time, Michael Bay was a commercial director (that Aaron Burr commercial? That was him), and he’s still a commercial director at heart. The skill of a commercial director is being able to communicate a message in as little time as possible, sometimes with a shot that lasts less than a second. That philosophy still guides Michael Bay, even when he’s making a two-hour movie. Thus, there’s nothing in a Michael Bay film that can’t be easily communicated in a few seconds. Let’s recap:

- The hotel clerk is snobby. Why is he snobby? Because he reads books. And what do snobby book readers do? They act like pussies.

- The dwarf is too big for his britches. Why is he too big for his britches? Because he’s a dwarf. And what do too-big-for-his-britches dwarves do? They pick fights with big dudes and get beat up.

- The Rock is big and tough. How do we know he’s big and tough? Because he’s a pro wrestling bodybuilder playing a bodybuilder. And what do big, tough, bodybuilders do? They scare pussies and beat up punks who challenge them to get what they want because they’re awesome.

This is how you write a Michael Bay movie.

Pain and Gain, Michael Bay’s “Point Break with bodybuilders” movie (which is actually based on a true story) starring Mark Wahlberg and The Rock, hits April 26th, and just screened at CinemaCon yesterday to, um, reviews. The big question is, does Michael Bay still remember how to shoot human beings after three straight movies about robots? The good news is, he never did!

Here’s a new clip, which in just 42 seconds manages to lay out the Michael Bay blueprint for a scene. His secret? Every minor character is just one over-the-top, skin-deep gimmick, which then becomes both comic relief and plot point. In this case, it’s a gun store clerk who turns out to be a huge Stryper fan. The Rock and the boys tell him they’re cops, and he doesn’t believe them, but The Rock sees a Stryper sticker on the register and tells the clerk that they’re actually doing security for Stryper. Pretty soon he and the clerk are singing Stryper together right there in the gun store and everything works out okay! Haha, hilarious! Good thing the Stryper sticker didn’t turn out to be from another clerk, or any number of other infinite, more interesting possibilities!

Anyway, here’s the early word on the movie, from what I can gather from my Twitter follows:

Michael bay’s $25 million pain and gain is an impeccably crafted noisy soulless depressing enterprise. Dumb male demo.#cinemacon

— Anne Thompson (@akstanwyck) April 16, 2013

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Michael Bay’s “Point Break with bodybuilders” movie, Pain and Gain, starring Mahky Mahk and The Rock, has a new red-band trailer out which you can watch below. It’s everything you’d expect from a Michael Bay movie: beautifully-shot, borderline pornographic scenery where everyone’s either a buff hero, a hot chick, or a shrill caricature. Guess which one Ken Jeong is! Ahh, the world of Michael Bay, where you can’t have so much as a bank teller or bus driver without him being an asinine attempt at comic relief. I fully believe Michael Bay moves through life instantly, silently categorizing everyone he meets. “Slut. Clown. Slut. Clown. Clown. Slut. Slut. Slut. Clown. Slut. Clown. Slut. Clown. Clown. Clown. Clown. Slut. Clown. Slut. Slut. Slut. Clown...”

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According to a ground-breaking new press release, breathtaking actor Marky Mark and incendiary producer Puff Daddy are teaming up to launch a “revolutionary” new “performance water” called, amazingly, Aquahydrate. In related news, the bar for the word “revolutionary” has never been lower. You might even say that this is the LOW-WATER MARK. Oh God I’m so lonely.

Entertainment powerhouse [!!!!!] Sean “Diddy” Combs and actor/producer Mark Wahlberg today announced a joint venture with Southern California-based fitness and wellness water brand, AQUAhydrate.   Per the arrangement, Combs and Wahlberg will oversee business strategy along with CEO John Cochran, formerly President of Fiji Water.  Together they will help drive the AQUAhydrate vision and be instrumental in helping secure retail partnerships for the water brand, such as their recently signed deals with Safeway, Kroger and GNC.

It’s a “fitness and wellness brand” and the name translates roughly to “Water Watered.” And for a consultant, they wisely chose a guy from the water business. What does a business strategy meeting for this look like? It has to be just a guy holding a thesaurus, right?

Already voted BevNET’s Best of 2012 award for Best Product Revamp, AQUAhydrate is a high performance water without the sugar and calories found in traditional sports drinks or vitamin enhanced beverages. The product’s combination of performance-grade electrolytes and a higher pH level of 9+ has caught the attention of elite athletes, active health-conscious consumers, and celebrities looking to perform at the top of their game, in every aspect of their life.  In addition to the brand’s existing athlete roster, AQUAhydrate recently inked an official partnership with the Los Angeles Clippers wherein the product will be distributed to the team on and off the court.

That’s right, these are PERFORMANCE-GRADE electrolytes. You don’t want to be caught in the middle of a tough workout trying to drink some back-alley, prison-grade water and salt. I mean if you want some prison-toilet, zero-cal sports drink, be my guest, I can introduce you to Pookie. But if it were me, I’d want water and salt combined in a SPORTS HYDRATION LAB by BEVERAGE SCIENTISTS. Electrolytes! It’s what plants crave!

“This is a truly innovative company, and I’m thrilled to be part of it,” says Wahlberg.  “We all strive to do the best we can for our bodies but sometimes schedules, stress and other factors get in the way.  AQUAhydrate helps me achieve the balance my body needs, no matter what.  I enjoy being involved in every aspect of the AQUAhydrate brand and I’m looking forward to a very successful partnership.” [PremiumUltra]

More from WAHLBERG:

You evah loogit yahelf in the mirrah in the middle of a trainin session an think to yoahself, ‘Fack me sideways, Mahky, those ah some fackin rawck hahd pythawns you ah spawtin. You ah the veritable fackin awbject of sexual obsession fa evry hawt brawd an half a queah from heah ta Pahkasberg. Those veiny fackin monstahs yoah packin coulda stawpped 9/11.‘ But I will tell you this, smaht guy: if you think the only thing standin between yoah fackin pythawns and Flabsville USA is the foahteen grams of chawklit flavahed mass gainah you suck out of a strawr evry mawnin, you ah soahly mistaken. Every propah regimen should include at least 12 ta fawteen litahs of watah every day. And that is why I, Mahky Mahk Wahlberg, am suppawtin this new revolutionary fackin watah prawduct, AquerHydrate. I always keep my pythawns rawk hahd to stawp the next the next 9/11, and propah pefawmince-grade hydration is fackin instramental in that regahd. Trust me, Mahk Wahlberg and my new friend Black Sean. Eithah you ah drinkin owah revolutionary new watah prawduct, owah you ah helpin ta create the next Osamer.

Bros, I feel like I’ve been dreaming about this day ever since Andrea Fingerblast ski-poled Flapjacks and me after the Chi O slave auction in the back of Steve L’s mom’s beamer on the way to pledge retreat, and now it’s finally here: Entourage is getting a movie. It’s a pretty personal story for me. I still remember I was wearing the limited edition And 1 kicks Turtle designed the day I found out we hazed Spinach to death after Kamikaze. I’m pretty emotional right now. RIP, Spinach.

From Deadline:

Warner Bros has tonight given the green light on a movie version of Entourage. The film will be directed by series creator Doug Ellin, who wrote the screenplay and who exec produced the series with Mark Wahlberg and Stephen Levinson. Deals are starting to be made with Adrian Grenier, who played Chase, Kevin Connolly, who played his manager Eric “E” Murphy, Kevin Dillon, who played the actor’s brother Johnny Drama, Jerry Ferrara, who played their entrepreneurial driver Turtle, and Jeremy Piven,

That’s about as far as the studio has gotten at this point, and there is no start date. I for one loved the series ending, in which Ari finally gave up his career and pledged his devotion to his long suffering gorgeous wife (Perry Reeves), only to get a last minute phone call offering him his dream job of running a film studio, knowing he’ll lose her if he says yes. Love to see how Ari negotiates himself out of that hell. Did I mention that I watched that show from start to finish, and miss it terribly?

While some naysayers might start in that an HBO transfer to film has no shot, the first Sex And The City did pretty well. For me, I can only think of one word to describe this development. Victory!!!!

See, bros? I’m glad Mike Fleming got a job at Deadline, but this is why he didn’t get a bid and Underpants Tony did. I mean we all know there’s a difference between being a down-ass bro and being a lurky creepenstein who makes all the clam slam shut. As Fat Dave my grand big always said, we need pledges, not stalkers – no homo. Anyway, I was all ready to take a grandma’s funnel to the dome after hearing this news like Stinkeye before he got tazed by the cops after Paddy’s, but then my bro Burnsy was all, “slow down, bro: are we sure this is really a good thing?”

At first I thought Burnsy was just being a f*g, but then it really got me to thinking, and he was holding the hookah so I thought we should hear him out:

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