Shortly after I reported on Mark Wahlberg’s restaurant venture, Wahlburgers, and Hanson’s beer, MMMhop, I expressed a desire to one day be able to subsist solely on celebrity pun food. If it’s not already possible, that dream creeps even closer to becoming reality today, as GNC has announced that they’re partnering with Mark Wahlberg (seen above on the set of Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain — almost certainly taking something a lot stronger than protein powder), on a line of supplements called “MARKED.”

GNC Holdings, Inc. (NYSE: GNC), the nation’s largest specialty retailer of health and wellness products, is proud to announce a partnership with Academy Award-nominated actor/producer Mark Wahlberg to develop, market and sell MARKED, a new nutritional supplement line designed to meet the demanding lifestyles of active, results-driven fitness consumers who want to get the most out of their workout and improve overall health.

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C-Tates added for scale

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Ken Jeong has joined the cast of Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain (previously described as “Point Break with bodybuilders“) which is currently shooting in Miami. Jeong will reportedly play a character named “Johnny Wu,” whom I have little doubt will be hilariously Asian. (As the commenters pointed out, Jeong previously played “Jerry Wang” in Transformers 3; it’s nice to see Michael Bay branching out).

Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson are starring in the pic alongside Ed Harris, Tony Shaloub, Rob Corddry, Anthony Mackie and Bar Paly. The project is based on the true story of body builders in Miami Beach who headed a kidnapping and extortion ring that went awry.

It was big of Ken Jeong to agree to this movie, even after Mark Wahlberg said all those horrible things about his grandpa (I know, I know, Jeong is Korean, it’s still funny if you’re racist). As you can see by the banner pic, Mark Wahlberg and his tiny little T-Rex arms have already been photographed on the set alongside The Rock. (I’d make fun of him for being short, but I’m pretty sure The Rock is like 12 feet tall). Wahlberg’s muscle mass is impressive, but it’s also probably a lot easier to get thick arms when they’re only two apples long. He can barely reach his pockets! He looks like he’d have to tie his silverware to the ends of sticks. “Hey, Dawnny, help me connect these fackin’ strawrs tagethah so I kin drink this wicked mass gainah. I gawt the chawclit flavah this time. The vaniller tastes like fahts.”

“What, does this jokah wanna spah? Don’t he know I wiz in The Bawxah? Bettah hold me back, Da Rawk. If this cawksuckah gets within range I’m gonna knawck his blawk off. POW!”

[pics via Starpulse]

At long last, we have the first trailer for Ted, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane’s directawrial debut, starring Wahlburger’s co-founder Mark Wahlberg as a guy whose Teddy Bear came to life as a result of a childhood wish and hasn’t left his side since. In a strange twist, Seth MacFarlane was originally supposed to be on the 9/11 flight that Mark Wahlberg would’ve stopped.

Anyway, I’m a little torn on this movie. The bear sounds exactly like Peter Griffin, which is weak, but at the same time I’m powerless to resist bad Boston accents (it’s basically The Town if Jeremy Renner had been a teddy bear). It also looks like it follows the Family Guy formula of being equal parts jokes that make me laugh and bits that are so over-the-top campy and weird that they make me cringe. DAMN YOU, SETH MACFARLANE! JUST TELL ME WHETHER I SHOULD LIKE YOU ALREADY!
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Before Mark Wahlberg was a movie star, he was a juvenile delinquent who beat old Vietnamese men with sticks and called them “slant-eyed gooks.” Somewhere in between those two things (1996, to be precise), he starred in Fear, playing the Fatal Attraction-style boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who liked her so much he tattooed “NICOLE 4 EVA” on his chest and fingered her on a roller coaster. It all would’ve worked out too, if only she hadn’t caught him raping that slut Alyssa Milano. That’s when she dumped him and he got mad and cut off her dog’s head, and the guy from CSI had to throw him him off a roof. (Sorry, you have no idea how long I’ve been dying to post that synopsis).

Well it seems Justin Bieber is obsessed with the film, which means it isn’t just making young girls squeal that we have in common. (Me more for hygiene reasons).

Our source would like to remain anonymous for now, as he is still working next to the singer, but we’ve been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas, and he is looking to build off the career model of Mark Wahlberg. And its Marky Mark’s dark R-rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

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Marky Mark offers his personal hanky to any queahs who may have been offended

When you publicly imply that passengers on the planes during 9/11 were lazy pussies and you could’ve done better like Mark Wahlberg did, people tend to complain. Who knew 9/11 was such a sensitive subject? Predictably, he’s issued a public apology, or at least his publicist has.

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with, and to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.  I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.” [Source]

Wahlberg later added, “I feel their pain. I feel it, feel it.” Anyway, that was boring and expected, and while we await his apology for also lying about not masturbating, BK has designed a shirt featuring Mark Wahlberg as a cheeseburger ordering a “numbah one cawmbo meal.” Which, as we all know, is a knuckle sangwich and medium punch. POW! DOAHCHESTA FA EVAH!

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