Before Mark Wahlberg was a movie star, he was a juvenile delinquent who beat old Vietnamese men with sticks and called them “slant-eyed gooks.” Somewhere in between those two things (1996, to be precise), he starred in Fear, playing the Fatal Attraction-style boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who liked her so much he tattooed “NICOLE 4 EVA” on his chest and fingered her on a roller coaster. It all would’ve worked out too, if only she hadn’t caught him raping that slut Alyssa Milano. That’s when she dumped him and he got mad and cut off her dog’s head, and the guy from CSI had to throw him him off a roof. (Sorry, you have no idea how long I’ve been dying to post that synopsis).

Well it seems Justin Bieber is obsessed with the film, which means it isn’t just making young girls squeal that we have in common. (Me more for hygiene reasons).

Our source would like to remain anonymous for now, as he is still working next to the singer, but we’ve been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas, and he is looking to build off the career model of Mark Wahlberg. And its Marky Mark’s dark R-rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

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Marky Mark offers his personal hanky to any queahs who may have been offended

When you publicly imply that passengers on the planes during 9/11 were lazy pussies and you could’ve done better like Mark Wahlberg did, people tend to complain. Who knew 9/11 was such a sensitive subject? Predictably, he’s issued a public apology, or at least his publicist has.

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with, and to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.  I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.” [Source]

Wahlberg later added, “I feel their pain. I feel it, feel it.” Anyway, that was boring and expected, and while we await his apology for also lying about not masturbating, BK has designed a shirt featuring Mark Wahlberg as a cheeseburger ordering a “numbah one cawmbo meal.” Which, as we all know, is a knuckle sangwich and medium punch. POW! DOAHCHESTA FA EVAH!

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Hopefully you haven’t already read this story in the time it took me to make this Photoshop, but in any case, let’s all try to enjoy Marky Mark being a dumbass in this brief window before his publicist makes a full retraction. Here’s what he told Men’s Journal in a recent interview:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” he tells the magazine. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

As HuffPo points out, this wasn’t the first time he’d brought it up either.

“We certainly would have tried to do something to fight,” he said in 2006. “I’ve had probably over 50 dreams about it.”

“Look, I’m a fightah. That’s why they cawlled me ‘fightah’ on the set of The Fightah. It’s just too bad that plane wasn’t pahked in Doahchestah, that camel jawckey woulda nevah gawt neah the cawkpit. Me and the hahd ons from the neighbahhood woulda been like, ‘Hey, gook! Go back ta fackin’ Afriker!’ Just like in the old days. I woulda given him the old Wahlburgah‘s numbah one cawmbo meal, a knuckle sangwich and a medium punch. POW!” Wahlberg told me, casually sipping a diet ginger ale. “I woulda given that terrahrist what fah.”

Which isn’t to say he doesn’t have a softer side. He also admitted crying “six or seven times” during The Help, and that he’s quit masturbating. Seriously:

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Opening Wide and Saying, “Ahhhhh”: Joyful Noise, Contraband, Beauty and the Beast 3D

Opening in Limited Release: The Iron Lady, We Need to Talk About Kevin

FilmDrunk Suggests: Not The Iron Lady, that’s for sure. Did you read Vince’s review? This one, right here. Man, that’s some brutal criticism. I don’t know who keeps giving that Meryl Streep lady jobs, but she needs to give up and go get her secretary’s license.

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From the very first moment we heard about Mark and Donny Wahlberg opening a Wahlburgers restaurant in the Hingham Shipyard with their brother Paul as head chef (pictured), all I could think was FACK ME STANDIN’, TAWMMY, MAHKY’S GAWT A RESTRINT? WE GAWTA GET DOWN TO THE FACKIN HAHBAH AND GET SOME THOSE HAWT BURGAHS! Sadly, I do not live in Hingham Shipyard area myself, I live in San Francisco, aka Stinky Queah Hobo Town. Luckily, loyal FilmDrunkard Johnny Lager (check out his website over at GentlemanStumbler.com – plug, plug, I’m not paying him for this) was in the area to provide our first hand report. Here’s his account from Wahlburgers, or as I like to call it, “The Emerald Nutsacks” (peep the logo).

When I arrived, I was worried I was going to look like a (f^ck!ng) idiot taking photos of myself with the logo and everything else, but I noticed I wasn’t the only jackass going sick-house with a camera. Clearly the Wahlberg name draws a lot of water in this town, so the place was packed.

The layout is kind of odd, like a “V,” or a pair of pants. You enter at the “waist,” if you will, and down the right pant leg is “cafeteria style” self serve. If you go down the left pant leg you can get wait-service, and there’s an enormous, well stocked sports bar. Both sides have a sort of upscale cafeteria look. The music was a bit loud and reminded my wife of awkward middleschool dances.

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